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The Week That Perished

October 01, 2017

WAS DR. SEUSS REALLY ANY BETTER THAN DR. MENGELE?
Unlike many Americans, we are unsure whether or not First Lady Melania Trump is a robot. She inhabits that uncanny valley somewhere between human and not quite fully human. This isn’t necessarily a good or a bad thing, just an observation, so no need to go getting upset.

Slavic sex cyborg or not, Mrs. Trump has our warmest sympathy after she was hectored by some pissed-off-looking two-bit low-rent California librarian named Liz Phipps Soeiro. (There’s that name again!) After Mrs. Trump’s handlers directed her to sign her name to some document attesting that she’d sent ten Dr. Seuss books to Soeiro’s library in Cambridge, MA, the lowly and bitter librarian seized the opportunity to give the Slovenian-born supermodel whom vulgarians refer to as “Mr. Trump’s cum dumpster” a venomous verbal tongue-lashing:

Thank you for the ten Dr. Seuss titles that you sent my school library in recognition of this year’s National Read a Book Day. (Sent second-day air, no less! That must have been expensive.)…we still struggle to close the achievement gap, retain teachers of color, and dismantle the systemic white supremacy in our institution….Another fact that many people are unaware of is that Dr. Seuss’s illustrations are steeped in racist propaganda, caricatures, and harmful stereotypes.

Melania Trump’s office offered the following statement…

To turn the gesture of sending young students some books into something divisive is unfortunate.

…which Mrs. Trump was unable to read because it was printed in English.

NBA COACH: WHITE PEOPLE DON’T EXIST BUT NEED TO FEEL “UNCOMFORTABLE” ANYWAY
As it turns out, the fact that San Antonio Spurs head coach Gregg Popovich spells his name with two g’s isn’t the most annoying thing about him.

Whereas Popovich has been quite successful at leading groups of young black men who otherwise may have become aspiring rappers or toothless crackheads into multimillionaires, last week he revealed himself as a willful enabler of the black-power/white-privilege rhetorical turd-fest that threatens to destroy American popular sports forever:

Whether it’s the LGBT movement, women’s suffrage, race, it doesn’t matter. People have to be made to feel uncomfortable, and especially white people because we’re comfortable. We still have no clue of what being born white means….If you read some of the recent literature, you’ll realize there really is no such thing as whiteness, but we kind of made that up. That’s not my original thought, but it’s true….Because you were born white, you have advantages that are systemically, culturally, psychologically there. And they have been built up and cemented for hundreds of years. But many people can’t look at it. It’s too difficult.

Or maybe the coach can’t tell the difference between being “difficult” and being a “pain in the ass”? Speaking of “difficult,” how proficient are NBA players at calculus?

Maybe it’s time to make petulant pro athletes uncomfortable by turning to more wholesome sports such as NHL hockey, NASCAR, and Olympic curling.

MMA FIGHTERS CALL EACH OTHER “FAGGOTS”
Speaking of wholesome sports, last week a pair of UFC fighters—and that stands for Ultimate Fighting Championship, not U Fucking Cocksucker—called one another “faggot” at a press conference. Using “a mixture of Portuguese and Spanish,” Fabricio Werdum told Tony Ferguson to “Shut your fucking mouth, you faggot.” Ferguson later referred to Werdum as este maricon (“this faggot”).

We’re only reporting on this story to illustrate that there are some sports where athletes still know how to have a good time. Men have been calling one another faggots for tens of thousands of years, and now they want to take that away from us, too.

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