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The Week That Perished

November 05, 2017

Multiple Pages
The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Putrescent, Pubescent, and Adolescent Headlines

CELEBRATING THE COMMUNIST CENTURY
One thing all good students of history know is that despite the passage of time, people never get smarter.

This week will mark the hundredth anniversary of the Bolshevik Revolution. You may have heard of it—it paved the way for the Holodomor, the Red Terror, the Great Purge, the Katyn Forest Massacre, the Great Leap Forward, the gulags, the Khmer Rouge, and the utter humiliation, silencing, torture, and destruction of anyone who dared utter a dissident or “reactionary” thought. Lowball estimates claim that communist regimes led to the deaths of at least 60 million people, most of whom were slaughtered by their own leaders rather than by enemy combatants. Other estimates peg the communist death toll at 100 million or higher.

The New York Times—which stubbornly denied the Holodomor while millions of Ukrainians were dropping like flies in the streets—apparently doesn’t see the fact that communists stacked up far more bodies than the Nazis did to be the least bit troublesome. Instead, it ran an article last week called “How To Parent Like a Bolshevik,” reminiscing fondly of “Communist happiness…[and] truth.” The Washington Post burps up a warm encomium to the Indian state of Kerala, “One of the few places on earth where a communist can still dream.”

And now comes a new Harvard University poll that finds 51% of millennials reject capitalism. There’s a new wave of historically illiterate, pop-culture-addled, fat and hideous communist fetishists who poop their diapers at the merest hint of “racism” and “wealth inequality” yet seem to have convinced themselves they could emotionally handle five minutes under a communist regime.

Send them all to North Korea and be done with their putrid taint.

“IT’S OK TO BE WHITE” FLYERS CAUSE PANIC AND RAGE
Since generations of propaganda have convinced all decent people who want desperately to fit in and who’ve had any vestigial traces of individuality shamed and/or beaten out of them that it’s evil to swim against the tide, we can all agree that the worst thing in world history is to be a white person who doesn’t wish they could crawl out of their own filthy skin.

This is why it is with great horror that we report a group of racists white supremacists fascists genocidal Nazis thought it’d be a cute idea to start papering college campuses across the country with a flyer bearing the following unforgivable sentiment:

IT’S OKAY TO BE WHITE

Seriously? What planet do they live on? Not this one—that’s for sure!

“Send them all to North Korea and be done with their putrid taint.”

Thankfully, college presidents have stepped up and are unequivocally condemning the divisive and deeply racist idea that there’s anything at all OK with being white.

William Craft, president of Concordia College in Minnesota, offered the following heartfelt condemnation which, it must be pointed out, does not in the least consist of newspeak or doublethink—in fact, he said it’s sort of okay to be white so long as you don’t, you know, come right out and state it:

In that sense, it is indeed okay to be white—and to be black, to be brown, to be Christian, to be Muslim, to be straight, to be gay, to be conservative, to be liberal, and so on….We must reject silences that demean and exclude, and we must engage open conversation about the experience of race on this campus and beyond.

In other words, so long as the curriculum consists of 2% math, 3% reading, and 95% indoctrination that the worst possible thing for a human being to do is be white without apologizing, there’s technically nothing wrong with being white.

At a Maryland high school where a shocking total of ten “IT’S OKAY TO BE WHITE” flyers were found, one disgusted father called whoever posted them “evil” and instructed them to “go back into your hole.”

At the University of Alberta, students and faculty were sent into an emotional tailspin after discovering the flyers, coming as they did on the heels of a “racist pumpkin incident.”

Why are these white racists so paranoid?

Why, it’s not as if students in Minnesota are being clubbed over the head like albino baby seals with relentless propaganda about how it’s NOT OK to be white to the point where test scores among all races are falling.

It’s not as if a female photographer in Canada was recently accused of being “aggressive and racist” when she refused to abdicate her position in the crowd after an onstage performer encouraged “brown” women to come to the front.

It’s not as if college sociology professors are claiming that maintaining a nuclear family is the keystone of “white supremacy” and that people who have white children are “part of the problem.”

So why are they so paranoid about losing power? I mean, sure, they’re losing power and will eventually go extinct when all the world’s babies are brown or darker, but why are they complaining? The answer is easy: It’s because they’re racists white supremacists fascists genocidal Nazis, and genocidal Nazis don’t deserve to live.

TERROR TRUCKS, REAL AND IMAGINED
The leftist mind inhabits a sick dream world that thrives on delusion and runs screaming from facts.

A group called Latino Victory Fund—who, it must be noted, is not racist even though they are a racial advocacy group, whereas Donald Trump and all his supporters are clearly racist despite the fact that he has never once addressed “white people” by name—says its goal is to build “Latino political power by electing progressive Latino candidates to all levels of government.” Last week they ran a political ad in Virginia showing humble black, brown, and Muslim children being terrorized by a truck-driving redneck hell-bent on running them all down, because, as we all know, that’s something that happens every day.

Then, on Tuesday, a Muslim immigrant from Uzbekistan used a rented Home Depot truck to run over and kill eight pedestrians in Lower Manhattan.

Latino Victory Fund abruptly pulled their truck-terror ad while still insisting that black, brown, and Muslim children coast to coast live in the constant legitimate fear that beer-bellied rednecks are seeking to murder them with trucks. In what is now known as deliberately sculpting a “frontlash,” NBC News focused on the idea that now Muslims—not the people they run over with trucks—will have to live in fear.

THE GAY LIONS OF KENYA
Since homosexuality leads to early death and excessive narcissism, it is illegal in Kenya and 75 other countries.

When two male lions were photographed in the midst of anal intercourse at Kenya’s Maasai Mara game preserve, the head of the nation’s Film Classification Board sought explanations for this horrifying and clearly unacceptable sodomitical act. According to Ezekiel Mutua—who looks like a nice guy—the rump-wranglin’ Kings of the Jungle must have learned to debase themselves and pollute their souls thusly after observing safari tourists “behaving badly,” adding that he doubts the “lion love birds” learned about anal sex from watching movies. He also said the only other possible explanation is that the lions fell victim to demonic possession. Mutua is also demanding hard (see what I did there?) evidence that both lions were male, since such behavior “is not normal.” Mutua recommends that officials “isolate the crazy gay animals” and put them through “counseling.”

It is stories such as this one that prove Africa was, is, and always will be the funniest place on earth.


Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.

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