The Week’s Most Segregated, Agitated, and Constipated Headlines
CHURCH OF SWEDEN TELLS GOD THE FATHER TO TAKE A HIKE
Sweden is a beautiful nation in Northern Europe that once was the home of vikings but is now saddled with a low-T population of she-wolves and geldings. To be accused of rape in this country where everything is rape, a man has to do little more than be a man.
Until the year 2000, the national Evangelical Lutheran Church was Sweden’s state religion. In this country of 10 million, over 60% of Swedish citizens are still baptized members of the church. Because Sweden is “progressive,” its national church allowed females to become ordained priests all the way back in 1960. Women now account for 45% of all clergy and “an even greater share among the leadership.” In 2013 a beast of a woman named Antje Jackelen became the Church of Sweden’s first female archbishop, a title she still holds in the grip of her cold, steely, unforgiving vagina. Jackelen has gone on record to state that those who see the virginity of Mary, Mother of God as “a biological issue have completely missed the point.” She has also stated unequivocally that “God is beyond our gender determinations.”
In other words, this shrew-like Phil Donahue doppelgänger insists that, despite everything the Bible says, God is not a dude.
On Thursday, the Church of Sweden’s female-heavy upper crust updated their official handbook with guidelines urging clergy to refer to God as simply “God” rather than “he” or “the Lord.” In place of referring to the “Father, Son, and Holy Ghost,” cuckolded clergymen and those irascible clergywomen are advised to instead pay homage to “God and the Holy Trinity,” which sort of implies a fourth member whom we’ll assume is named Ringo.
Apparently, they still haven’t figured out a way to castrate Jesus. According to Church of Sweden spokesbabe Sofija Pederson, “We talk about Jesus Christ, but in a few places we have changed [the liturgy] to say ‘God’ instead of ‘he.’ We have some prayer options that are more gender-neutral than others.”
While the Church of Sweden was quibbling over gender pronouns for deities, Muslim refugees were gang-raping indigenous women all over Sweden.
Priorities, people. Priorities!
MS-13 VICTIM STABBED 100 TIMES, DECAPITATED, HEART RIPPED OUT AND TOSSED IN GRAVE
Mara Salvatrucha, AKA MS-13, is a gang that originated in El Salvador but has firmly established a reputation in America as the most insanely brutal of all street gangs.
On Wednesday, court documents in Maryland revealed that this past spring, around eight to ten MS-13 members plotted for weeks to murder a man in Wheaton Regional Park. According to NBC News, 19-year-old member Miguel Angel Lopez-Abrego has been arrested and charged with first-degree murder in connection with the killing. He stands accused of helping to dig a grave for the victim and using a walkie-talkie to help other gang members pull off the spectacularly grisly homicide:
[After the victim arrived in the park], the gang members choked him, stabbed him more than 100 times, decapitated him and dismembered him, the informant said. They ripped his heart from his chest and threw it into the grave they dug for him.
Diversity, people. Diversity!
PENNSYLVANIA TEACHERS RESIGN OVER STUDENT VIOLENCE
According to the Harrisburg [PA] Education Association, at least 45 teachers resigned between July and October, and they have continued resigning ever since.
The main problem appears to be rampant student violence at a minority of schools. According to Association President Jody Barksdale:
Teachers and students are being hit, kicked, slapped, scratched, cussed at…and observing other students flip over tables, desks and chairs. Teachers have had to take the rest of their class into the hallway to protect them during these outbursts.
A teacher named Amanda Sheaffer publicly testified about the abuse she’d received at the hands of students:
I have been kicked, punched, hit, scratched. I’ve had a student physically restraining me in front of my other students….And many of the personal things that I have bought for my classroom have been broken or destroyed….Many minutes are spent each day dealing with violence that is happening in the classroom.
It bears noting that these ultra-violent students are first-graders.
First America had a violence problem with “teens” and “youths.” But now that children as young as six are getting violent, the preferred noun to describe them is “students.”
COMMUNITY UPSET AFTER NONWHITE STUDENT WRITES “WHITE LIVES MATTER” IN HIGH-SCHOOL BATHROOM
The predominantly white St. Louis suburb of Chesterton, MO was wracked with shame, guilt, self-loathing, and even a wee bit of self-flagellation when it was reported that some anonymous hateful bastard had scrawled “WHITE LIVES MATTER” and “the N-WORD” on a local high-school bathroom mirror.
Now officials at Parkway Central High School have identified the perpetrator of this sick and dastardly deed of derring-do as “nonwhite.” However, Principal Timothy McCarthy—who is both white and chubby—refuses to let this opportunity to engage in racial self-hatred slip through his little ham-colored fingers:
This incident caused significant harm to and within our school community by provoking feelings of hurt and distrust. The use of the N-word, in the context of the message on the bathroom mirror, provoked feelings of hate, not love.
We suggest a different path toward racial healing: Everyone—young and old, rich and poor, black and white, red state and blue state—should liberally use the N-word in a spirit of humor, not hate.