Louis C.K.

Source: Wikimedia Commons

DOSSIER REVEALS M.L.K. TO BE A SLOW-THINKING COMMUNIST PERVERT
One of the hidden golden nuggets in the recent partial dump of JFK files has nothing to do with JFK but instead with the far more sainted assassination victim MLK. A 20-page document compiled only weeks before MLK was murdered contains the following delightful passages:

King is such a slow thinker he is usually not prepared to make statements without help from someone….King is a whole-hearted Marxist who has studied it (Marxism), believes in it and agrees with it, but because of his being a minister of religion, does no dare to espouse it publicly….One Negro minister in attendance later expressed his disgust with the behind-the scene drinking, fornication, and homosexuality that went on at the [1968 urban leadership] conference….When one of the females shied away from engaging in an unnatural act, King and other of the males present discussed how she was to be taught and initiated in this respect.

Perhaps most shocking of all is that King allegedly was able to achieve an erection and have sex with folk singer Joan Baez, whom we have always suspected of having body odor strong enough to make flowers wilt.

TAKING SELFIES WITH HITLER
A museum in Yogyakarta, Indonesia is facing heat from the LA-based Simon Wiesenthal Center—which, being a mere 8,853 miles from Yogyakarta, is basically in the same neighborhood—for featuring a wax likeness of Super Evil Racist Nazi Dictator Adolf Hitler.

Rabbi Abraham Cooper—who’s not exactly Clark Gable or Cary Grant, if you catch our drift—is in a full-blown shvitz over the fact that not only has the Hitler figurine been allowed to stand since 2014, but that many teenagers take “selfies” with Wax Hitler and that the museum which hosts the Fuhrer figurine describes this as a “fun” activity.

“Everything about it is wrong. It’s hard to find words for how contemptible it is,” kvetches Rabbi Cooper. However, a marketing officer for the museum defends Waxen Hitler as “one of the favorite figures for our visitors to take selfies with….No visitors complained about it. Most of our visitors are having fun because they know this is just an entertainment museum.”

We look forward to a day in the future—the distant future, of course—where 24 hours can pass without some fabricated furor over Der Führer. If you don’t let him rest in peace, sooner or later he’s going to wake up.

BLACK MEN AND THE HATE CRIMES THEY COMMIT AGAINST THEMSELVES
As everyone knows but only white racists are afraid to admit, we live in a culture that is so deeply rooted in white supremacy, it sometimes forces black males to commit hate crimes against themselves.

Witness a recent incident in the state of Kansas, which, to its shame, is only 5.9% black. That’s where 21-year-old Dauntarius Williams was driven so insane by the white racism that constantly pulsates around him that he defaced his own car in washable yellow paint with phrases such as GO HOME NIGGER BOY, DATE YOUR OWN KIND, and FUCK YOU DIE DUMB NIGGER.

Riddle us this—if he was so dumb, why did he use washable paint? Huh? I don’t see any of you “supreme” white racists having an answer for that, do you?

Once it was revealed that Williams committed the hate crime against himself, he dismissed it all as “a Halloween prank that got out of hand.” Authorities declined to press charges against him for filing a false police report, explaining that it would “not be in the best interests” of the community.

Back in September our fragile nation was rocked and shocked to hear allegations that five black cadets at the Air Force Academy were forced to endure the words GO HOME as well as an “accompanying racial slur” scrawled outside their dorm room. (We are only speculating, but we suspect this slur was either “coon doggies,” “gator bait,” or “obsolete farm equipment.”)

Now comes news that it was one of the black cadets who wrote the offending slogans, but Lt. General Jay Silveria—who originally made a name for himself back in September for being duped by the hoax and railing against racism and white supremacy and racist whites and supremely white racists—is encouraging us to learn the message from all this. The “message,” apparently, is that there is so little actual racial animosity toward blacks in modern America that many blacks are forced to fabricate it, but that we must remain ever vigilant—hopeful, even—that one day a white person will commit an anti-black hate crime and validate everyone’s rampaging paranoia. For it is only when we can indulge our worst suspicions, however baseless and counterfactual they are, that we can begin to heal as a nation.