News

The Week That Perished

May 07, 2017

Multiple Pages
The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Mannish, Spanish, and Klannish Headlines

BATTLE OF NEW ORLEANS: THE SEQUEL
As you read this, there may be blood flowing in the streets of New Orleans.

Two years ago after the Charleston Massacre was exploited as an excuse to start razing all Confederate monuments and symbols across the South, it took New Orleans Mayor Mitch Landrieu only a week to jump on the bandwagon and order the removal of landmark Confederate monuments from public spaces in the city. The four monuments targeted were one commemorating the Battle of Liberty Place—an 1874 clash wherein the Crescent City White League attempted to overthrow the city’s occupying Reconstructionist government—and statues honoring Confederate heroes Jefferson Davis, Robert E. Lee, and P. G. T. Beauregard.

In the middle of the night this past April 24, Mayor Landrieu finally sent in crews of masked construction workers who received protection from armed snipers perched in a nearby parking deck to remove the Liberty Place monument. It is now gone.

Ever since then, tension has heated up between Confederate sympathizers and totalitarian anti-fascists who won’t seem to rest until every white person is hanging from a tree—except white anti-fascists, of course. While neo-Confederates have generally held vigils around the statues, Antifa creeps have done the only thing they know how to do—assault people, deface property, and call everyone “Nazis.”

The day after Donald Trump was elected president, Lee Circle monument in New Orleans was defaced with graffiti that read DIE WHITES DIE and BLACK POWER, yet there were no murmurs about “racism” in the mainstream media.

“As you read this, there may be blood flowing in the streets of New Orleans.”

Last Monday night, a military assault vehicle toting Antifa members rolled into New Orleans with a banner that read FUCK OFF NAZI SCUM! They allegedly assaulted a black neo-Confederate and maced a white woman in a wheelchair. Unconfirmed reports allege that New Orleans Deputy Mayor Ryan Berni was gleefully along for the violent joyride and that the vehicle was an ROTC “deuce and a half” on loan from Tulane University.


So today—Sunday, May 7, 2017—pro-Confederate and anti-white groups plan to amass near the three remaining statues in New Orleans. It would be unreasonable to think that some sort of clash isn’t inevitable.

The attempt to purge every last symbolic vestige of a defeated enemy is nothing new. This type of symbolic erasure of an entire people’s past has a history extending all the way back to the Old Testament. In the 34th chapter of the Book of Exodus, God tells Moses he will drive out several competing tribes from the Promised Land and instructs the Israelites to “destroy their altars, break their images, and cut down their groves.” When the Bolsheviks seized control of Russia, they eagerly smashed sacred Orthodox icons to dust in the course of slaughtering an estimated 12-20 million Christians. And Muslim conquerors have a long history of violent iconoclasm.

It remains illegal to publicly display Nazi symbols in Germany. And many would love to see the same thing happen to the Confederate flag.

The events today in New Orleans may determine whether that flag goes the way of the swastika.

CHURCH ORGANIST ADMITS TO “HEIL TRUMP” HATE CRIME HOAX
To the surprise of no one who has been awake for the past generation, yet another one of those evil pro-Trump hate crimes that allegedly spread across the nation like wildfire after his election has turned out to be a hoax. Back in November, an Indiana church was defaced with “HEIL TRUMP” graffiti and an anti-gay slur. Now it turns out that church organist Nathan Stang—whose sexuality we cannot confirm at press time, thus cheating you out of a really funny “organist” joke—was behind the graffiti. Stang said his intention was to “mobilize a movement”; again, since we cannot confirm whether or not he’s gay, we will refrain from making jokes about bowel movements.

MOTORIST PLOWS THROUGH BRAZILIAN “PROTESTERS”
One of the most emotionally refreshing videos we’ve seen all year comes to us from the highly multicultural nation of Brazil. On Friday, a group of “protesters” blocked lanes on a Sao Paulo highway, which is an asshole thing to do no matter your political leanings. A motorist—who later told police that he was trying to get to the hospital to visit his grandmother—decided he’d had enough of the “shut it down” shenanigans and decided to plow through the crowd en route to visiting his sick grandma. To our dismay, the motorist is being charged with attempted murder, while the protesters who illegally detained him aren’t being charged with anything. It’s almost as if the government is in cahoots with the street creeps who are trying to destroy civil order—just like in America!

SLATE MAGAZINE CALLS SOROS “A LIBERAL JEW DESTROYING AMERICA”
The impenitently liberal online magazine Slate.com has never been right about anything since being founded in 1996. Last week it turned quite a few heads on its Twitter feed when it linked an article purporting to show deep ties between Evil Scaly Flying Pterodactyl George Soros and Donald Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner. But the article’s description on Twitter read thusly:

George Soros, the liberal Jew destroying America, is also a Jared Kushner business partner.

It appears their intention was to mock the notion that Soros is a “liberal Jew destroying America,” but one usually denotes this by putting it in scare quotes as we’ve just done here. Even after having it called to their attention, the manager of Slate’s Twitter feed kept the phrasing up for at least 24 hours.

TRAYVON MARTIN AWARDED POSTHUMOUS AERONAUTICS DEGREE
Trayvon Martin—the cherubic and innocent young black teenager who was unfairly gunned down and stripped of his tremendous life potential merely because he decided to start bashing George Zimmerman’s head into the ground one night—is posthumously being awarded a bachelor’s degree in aeronautical science from world-renowned Florida Memorial University. It was noted that if he were not brutally gunned down while attempting to give George Zimmerman permanent brain damage, Trayvon would be 22 years old—which, as luck would have it, is also the same age as many college graduates. It is, however, a pyrrhic victory at best—as everyone knows, in this racist society of ours, it is extremely difficult for dead black men to find jobs, even with a college degree.

SUPERMAN V. KKK MOVIE PLANNED
Screenwriter Katherine Lindberg and film producer Marc Rosen are teaming together to give the world what it’s been screaming for: a film where Superman battles and defeats the Ku Klux Klan. Tentatively titled Superman Vs. The KKK, it’s described by Rosen as “a real case of truth being cooler than fiction.”

We were unable to procure a comment from a real-life Klansman because we couldn’t find any real-life Klansmen. They only seem to exist in movies these days.

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