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The Week That Perished

May 25, 2015

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The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Daunting, Haunting, and Taunting Headlines

ERIN GO GAY
The arc of the moral universe bent over, grabbed its ankles, and accepted “justice” into its rectum on Saturday as 62% of voters in Ireland approved of a gay-marriage referendum. The vote was historic, with the Emerald Isle becoming the world’s first country to approve of gay marriage by a popular vote.

Like a horde of pink leprechauns, Irish gays and their straight “allies” flooded Dublin’s streets in celebration, exchanging kisses and bodily fluids, chanting, screaming, crying, laughing, and both crying and laughing at the same time. According to reports, some even managed to scream and chant while they were laughing and crying.

As votes were being counted on Saturday morning, rainbows appeared over Dublin. No, really—they did. And yes, of course, many people saw divine significance in this fact, as if Jesus himself were giving a thumbs-up to the idea of two guys getting hitched.

The big loser in this landmark referendum is Ireland’s Catholic Church. Jubilantly triumphalist gays thumbed their noses and wagged their tongues at the Church’s loss, claiming that priests rape babies and sell unwed mothers into sex slavery, so who the hell are they to tell HIV-positive sodomites what’s right and wrong?

Expect other countries to quickly fall into the gay-marriage camp like a row of pink dominoes.

“Like a horde of pink leprechauns, Irish gays and their straight ‘allies’ flooded Dublin’s streets in celebration.”

But don’t expect The Gambia to follow suit. The small, predictably impoverished African nation DOES NOT LIKE THE HOMOS. At a recent speech, President Yahya Jammeh—nice name, dude—promised to slit homosexuals’ throats. Back in 2008, he’d threatened to decapitate them. He’s stated publicly that he’s never seen a homosexual chicken or turkey and he’s never personally witnessed two buffalo of the same sex dating one another.

But enough about Ireland and all those other countries. A recent poll of Americans finds that they grossly overestimate the quotient of the population that identifies as gay or lesbian. Gallup released a poll last week finding that Americans estimated their country’s gay population to be around 23%, but a Gallup poll from 2012 found that only 3.4% of Americans actually self-identified as gay or lesbians.

Similar things happen when people are questioned about the percentage of blacks and Hispanics in the US—both Americans and Europeans overestimate these groups’ representation by about a factor of two.

It’s speculated that people grossly overestimate these groups’ numbers due to the fact that the media grossly over-represents them in movies, TV shows, and commercials. Not a bad explanation, really.

50 JEWS (AND 5 PIECES OF PORK)
The Jerusalem Post has released its annual list of the 50 Most Influential Jews. Jowly warmonger Benjamin Netanyahu tops the list, with birdlike moneylender Janet Yellen coming in second. Sheldon Adelson—casino owner, Republican financial enabler, and the man with the worst combover in geopolitical history—came in fifth. Jewish comics Jon Stewart and Amy Schumer came in 18th and 49th, respectively.

On Friday while wearing a yarmulke and speaking at a synagogue, Barack Obama referred to himself as “an honorary member of the tribe” and noted that he’d hosted seven seders at the White House.

But of course some Nazi killjoy has to come along and bum everyone’s high. Police in the town of Lynn, MA are investigating an incident in which anonymous hatemongers “desecrated a Holocaust memorial in eastern Massachusetts with chunks of pork.” Outraged by the unexpected pork, local Jews held a peace rally on Friday. The incident (the hate-porking, not the peace rally) is being investigated as a hate crime.

FRENCH FEMINISTS: OUT WITH THE “RIGHTS OF MAN”
French feminists are known around the world for not shaving their armpits and refusing to bathe regularly.

Now comes word that a “collective” of French feminists calling themselves “Droits Humains” (Human Rights) is demanding a rewording of France’s 1789 “Rights of Man” declaration so that it includes chicks as well. In a petition the group plans to send to the French government, these harpies squawk thusly:

It is past the time to be debating or arguing about the relevance of this change of terminology, which is self-evident. This group will disband once the institutions of the French republic have made tangible changes. Otherwise, it will remain active for as long as necessary.

“The expression ‘Rights of Man’ makes women, their issues and their battles invisible and we become more and more isolated,” a member of the Droits Humains collective with the silly made-up name of NoE Le Blanc told a reporter. Ms. Le Blanc apparently never considered that it might be her personality that was causing her to become more and more isolated.


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