The Week That Perished

May 20, 2018

Multiple Pages
The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Alien, Mammalian, and Sesquipedalian Headlines

Michael Harriot is a black man who writes for The Root, a site where black people get together to talk about being black in a world that’s constantly seeking to harm and hassle and heckle and harass black people.

But sometimes, much to the dismay of black people who make everything about being black, non-blacks don’t always have the time or interest to persecute them. Real, down-to-earth, honest-to-goodness violent hate crimes against blacks are so rare these days, it almost makes some blacks nostalgic for the days of lynch mobs and Jim Crow, if only for the thrill that comes with actually being persecuted.

Despite all you hear about Donald Trump being a racist, we fail to recall a single time of him ever using a racial slur, a sad fact which is likely to disappoint racists and non-racists alike. “When Will Donald Trump Say the N-Word?” Michael Harriot recently asked with a fair splash of anguish in a recent column for The Root:

Donald Trump is going to say “nigger.”

This is not an opinion or a guess. It will happen. As the dim-witted racist in chief slips further into senility, the odds of him blurting out the king of all racial slurs increases tenfold with each passing day.

Harriot goes on to set odds for when exactly our fearless leader will finally drop an N-bomb: halfway through debates for his tax bill, if quarterback Tom Brady gets hurt, during a State of the Union address when the teleprompter goes on the fritz, or in the midst of a friendly golf round with black Republican Uncle Toms, but especially if either Michelle Obama or Kamala Harris declare their candidacy for president in 2020. Whatever the trigger, Harriot pegs the odds of Trump eventually saying the “N-word” at 99 percent.

It’s almost like he hopes it happens.

Alas, ’twas a week where hostile blacks were morally scolding cowering whites wherever they turned.

“Women! They can never decide on a restaurant, and they’re always changing their minds on whether or not they were raped.”

At Evergreen State College in Olympia, WA—a city where 100% of the population, including all the men, are lesbians—students decided to forge ahead with yet another “Day of Absence” that actually lasts three days wherein Students of Color decide to not show up for school in order to protest their low test scores that can only be explained by institutional racism. Last year’s “Day of Absence,” in which white students were requested to stay away, ended in a near-riot when teacher Bret Weinstein suggested that maybe, just maybe, this was a racially discriminatory policy.

This year, organizers want it known that white students aren’t entirely banned from the off-campus activities so long as they attend morale-crushing “antiracist workshops for white folks” and bring their own food. But they want it made clear that violent racists are not welcome:

No one who’s [sic] intentions are to cause harm are [sic] allowed.

In Birmingham, AL, a black pastor recently made headlines by placing a sign outside his church that read, BLACK FOLKS NEED TO STAY OUT OF WHITE CHURCHES.

Duly noted, pastor.

And The Guardian flogs its white readers over the head with a piece by an Egyptian American called “What do you say to a four-year-old white supremacist?

Everyone knows the punchline to this one, right? “Nothing you didn’t already make clear to him when he was three.”

Apparently the only way to cure Muslims is to turn them into communists.

A story that has largely been suppressed in the West due to the fact that our media mandarins shy away from depicting communists as humanity-squashing slave-masters is the fact that over the past year or so, Chinese authorities in the nation’s Xinjiang region have rounded up countless Muslims—at press time we weren’t able to do a head count, but estimates vary from a few thousand to a hundred thousand to over a million, if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all—and sent them to communist indoctrination camps.

It is there that they are whipped and beaten and starved and tortured and “made to eat pork and drink alcohol,” which, as all students of Islam know, pisses Allah off somethin’ fierce.

According to concentration-camp ex-con Omar Bekali as he reportedly choked back tears:

The psychological pressure is enormous, when you have to criticize yourself, denounce your thinking—your own ethnic group. I still think about it every night, until the sun rises. I can’t sleep. The thoughts are with me all the time.

Hmm, where else on Earth these days are you forced to criticize yourself and your ethnic group while denouncing your own thinking? We’re drawing blanks right now, but we’re sure it’ll come to us.

It has been speculated that the first great racial purge in world history was the mass continental expulsion of those weird-ass-lookin’ albino people by proud black Africans.

Actually, if you want us to be frank, we’re the ones who are speculating this—and without a scintilla of proof, we might add.

But anyone with a heart and a cable-TV connection knows that albinos continue to be imperiled on the Dark Continent. Certain African traditions—and, as Franz Boas taught us, all cultural traditions across the world are objectively and quantitatively equal, so shut your bigoted mouth before you even THINK of making a peep—dictate that the body parts of murdered albinos have magical powers that can bring you wealth, health, and the booties of every village maiden into your hut.

In the beautiful West African Republic of Mali—where the nominal per-capita GDP is less than three dollars a day and average life expectancy for both sexes is just a hair over 50—there was a brief outcry recently over the ritual beheading of a five-year-old albino girl, whose decapitated body was found outside a mosque.

Every year, dozens of albinos are captured, tortured, and hacked to pieces in countries such as Mali, Malawi (anyone know the difference?), Tanzania, and Mozambique. Yahoo! News solemnly reminds us that albinos face “a heightened risk of skin cancer and that “protective suntan creams are hard to find and expensive” in Africa.

As Georgia Republicans square off to secure the nomination for governor of this Southern state that is rich in both peanuts and melanin, State Senator Michael Williams has gained attention by attempting to traverse the state in a big gray “deportation bus” designed to round up all peach-pickin’ illegal aliens and, we don’t know, dump them in the Okefenokee Swamp or something. Among other slogans garishly emblazoned on the bus are the following words:

Danger! Murderers, rapists, kidnappers, child molesters, and other criminals on board.

“We’re not just going to track them and watch them roam around the state,” Williams, who calls himself “the most outspoken anti-illegal candidate in Georgia’s history,” has bragged to reporters. “We’re going to put them on this bus and send them home.”
However, the digital-video megalodon YouTube recently yanked Williams’s “Deportation Bus” video, describing it as “hate speech” because it’s hateful to state the documented fact that illegal aliens—who willfully break the law simply by being in the country—often go on to commit other crimes as well.

Doesn’t matter whether it’s true—it’s hateful, and we as a society are going to whip ourselves into an unimpeachably righteous collective psychosis and murder everything in our paths so long as we stamp out hate.

As if our nation’s hallowed illegal aliens didn’t already catch enough static from ignorant Anglo Southerners and their stupid Deportation Buses, “a Latino man named Peter” recently caused a volcanic eruption of racial rage after a California Starbucks gave him a cup of coffee with the word BEANER scrawled on the side.

(In case you didn’t know, “beaner” is an anti-Mexican slur based on the hateful and totally debunked idea that Mexicans sometimes eat, and often even enjoy, beans.)

Peter’s friend Miguel explains the caffeinated hate crime:

He went to Starbucks, and they asked for his name, and his name is ‘Peter,’ and they wrote this ‘beaner.’

Hmm…“Peter” and “beaner” sound awfully similar. Maybe it was a case of a barista mishearing an order?

Nah—HAD to be a hate crime. Starbucks needs to be put out of business immediately.

Sexists, rapists, misogynists, purse-snatchers, and all men in general frequently peddle the myth what women sometimes lie about rape, but we all know this is a discredited patriarchal trope designed to enable men to continue raping women with impunity while expecting us not to call them out on their bullshit.

Now comes a story from Connecticut alleging that not only may a woman have lied about being raped, she now appears to be lying about whether she ever lied about it in the first place.

Nineteen-year-old Nikki Yovino—who is impressively curvy for her age but will undoubtedly be a big fat bucket of dripping suet by the time she hits 30—was in court last week on charges that she lied to police about a 2016 encounter with two college football players in a bathroom at a party.

Now she’s saying that she never said she was sexually assaulted. This conversation actually happened last week in court between Yovino and a local DA:

DA: You never told law enforcement you were sexually assaulted?’

Yovino: No. I never said I was sexually assaulted.

DA: Well then why were they investigating a sexual assault?’

Yovino: I don’t know.

Women! They can never decide on a restaurant, and they’re always changing their minds on whether or not they were raped. But as we were all taught while growing up, changing her mind on whether or not she was raped is a woman’s prerogative.

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