The Week That Perished

May 14, 2017

Multiple Pages
The Week That Perished

The Week’s Choppiest, Floppiest, and Sloppiest Headlines

On May 2 of this year, Hillary Clinton—the sorest loser in political history—blamed FBI Director Jim Comey’s letter to Congress last October 28th for her devastating and hilarious loss to Donald J. Trump. “If the election had been on October 27, I would be your president,” she declared without a shred of insight or introspection.

Only a week later, Trump fired Comey, causing Clinton’s defenders to fall all over one another in a race to contradict previous calls for Comey’s head.

Two days before the election, transgender lesbian blobfish filmmaker Michael Moore, apparently confident that Clinton would win, called for Comey to be imprisoned without trial:

After this election is over, I say skip the show trial for Comey & just send him to Alcatraz. (he can feed the birds)

Mere hours after Trump fired Comey, Moore unleashed a loud thought-queef from deep within his mental bowels:

COMEY FIRED! Dirty, corrupt things afoot. The truth will all come out. The unraveling continues… Hold the election over. Dirty. Corrupt.

Last Tuesday morning, John Podesta—who, whether or not he’s actually running a Satanic child-prostitution ring at least looks like he’s capable of running one—expressed a sniffing disdain for Comey:

The American public is getting mildly nauseous listening to Jim Comey

Less than four hours later, Podesta abruptly switched gears and implied that the only reason Trump fired Comey was because Comey was leading an investigation into the idiotic idea that the Russians, rather than Democratic corruption, incompetence, and contempt for middle America, are what handed the election to Trump:

@realDonaldTrump Didn’t you know you’re supposed to wait til Saturday night to massacre people investigating you?

For his part, the president—who enjoys being a dick and whose supporters greatly enjoy the fact that he enjoys being a dick—retweeted lesbian ham-planet Rosie O’Donnell’s former demand to FIRE COMEY and added,

We finally agree on something Rosie.

Pepe the Frog was created as a benign and lovable cartoon character in 2005 by artist Matt Furie, but somewhere along the line Pepe fell in with the wrong crowd and became a racist. He metastasized into such an emblem of Jew-hatred and white nationalism that last September the Anti-Defamation League added him to their database of “hate symbols.”

“If you try to raise a baby cheetah in a Park Avenue penthouse, it will likely wind up destroying your belongings and killing you, no matter how nicely you treat it.”

Seeking to save Pepe from the racists who’d hijacked him and filled his tiny amphibian heart with hatred, Matt Furie recently killed him in a comic strip. Or at least he tried to. As Furie will eventually learn, Pepe cannot be killed.

If the formerly golden state of California had decided to secede any time before last November, Donald Trump would have easily won both the Electoral College and the popular vote. Ever since the election, California has also proved itself to be the state most prone to throwing violent anti-Trump tantrums. Now, in an apparent effort to let the “liberal” mask slip completely off its face, the State Assembly passed an amendment that would repeal part of a 1953 law that forbade communists from working openly within California state government, enabling the state’s overwhelming Democratic majority to finally admit what they really are.

As everyone knows, American campuses are unfair to black students, even though universities such as Harvard spot them a handicap of a robust 450 SAT points compared to Asian applicants and 290 points compared to white students.

Clearly ungrateful at being offered such a generous (if humiliating) leg up on the competition, black students at Harvard have announced they’re holding a “black-only” graduation event later this month. Black student Courtney Woods says there “is a legacy of slavery, epistemic racism and colonization at Harvard, which was an institution founded to train rising imperialist leaders.”

But not only do black college students have to struggle with epistemic racism that ignores their needs in favor of the needs of rising imperialist leaders, they also must endure the pain and humiliation of observing bananas hanging from lampposts and trees along with the words “HARAMBE BAIT” in a painful reminder that many racist Americans used to claim that black people are apes who enjoy eating bananas. This shocking incident happened last week at DC’s American University, where the prank bananas were hung all over campus in an apparent protest over the fact that a black girl was elected president of the school government. In a gesture of reconciliation and healing, minority students at the school were informed on Friday that they can postpone taking their final exams until they have emotionally recovered from the banana incident.

A racist note containing the actual “N” word that was found at Minnesota’s St. Olaf College led to hysterical cries of rage and a school shutdown. It turned out to be a hoax, but the school president reminded everyone that it at least focused attention on the endless racism and hatred and bullying that the perennially underachieving “N” words at the school must face on a daily—and sometimes even hourly—basis.

And because everyone knows that blacks on college campuses endure pain on a level it’s impossible to know unless you’re black, a black professor of Critical Race Theory at Texas A&M was not fired when it was recently revealed that in 2011 he gave an interview in which he made the following statement:

In order to be equal, in order to be liberated, some white people might have to die.

In his own defense, Dr. Tommy Curry said that his statement needs to be understood in its historical context—a historical context which apparently justifies the killing of whites in the name of black liberation.

For a brief period last week, the University of Arizona was offering students part-time jobs as “Social Justice Advocates.” At a hefty pay rate of $10 an hour, students were tasked with “instituting monthly programmatic efforts within the residence halls that focus specifically on social justice issues” and are encouraged to “report any bias incidents or claims to appropriate Residence Life staff,” effectively making them Soviet-style commissars of policing thoughtcrimes. After an initial outcry, the university reneged on the job offer.

For 24 years, Corrine Brown represented a district in northern Florida as a member of the United States Congress despite being so dumb she could make a pocket watch stop merely by looking at it. When corruption charges were brought against her for misappropriating charitable contributions totaling nearly a million dollars, she said she was being persecuted just like crack-smoking former DC Mayor Marion Barry. Brown also shrugged the 22 counts against her as meaningless and empty charges, adding that she could easily charge any of the reporters who asked her about it with being pedophiles. When the boundaries of her gerrymandered political district were recently redrawn, she compared it to slavery.

Now she has been convicted of 18 counts of tax fraud, mail and wire fraud, and conspiracy. She faces a potential 277 years in prison, which as everyone knows is the average length of sentences unjustly doled out to pedophile slaves accused of smoking crack.

Even though cities have burned and countless people have been beaten and murdered over the narrative that white cops are hunting down and murdering innocent black people at random, a recent study published in the Journal of Criminal Justice finds that all the violent, hysterical hyperbole is not based in reality:

Although the data are limited, the patterns are not consistent with the national rhetoric that the police are killing Blacks, particularly unarmed Black men, more than others because of their race and that officer-involved shooting fatalities are increasing; fatalities are generally stable….

A meta-analysis of studies from nearly 3,000 publications and including nearly 15 million sets of twins will come as a bitter pill to all the blinkered fanatics who believe that environment rather than genetics determines a human’s destiny:

For a majority (69%) of traits, the observed twin correlations are consistent with a simple and parsimonious model where twin resemblance is solely due to additive genetic variation….Our results provide compelling evidence that all human traits are heritable: not one trait had a weighted heritability estimate of zero.

In other words, if you try to raise a baby cheetah in a Park Avenue penthouse, it will likely wind up destroying your belongings and killing you, no matter how nicely you treat it.

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