The Week That Perished

May 13, 2018

Online streaming mega-monster Spotify is rolling out a new policy against “Hate Content & Hateful Conduct” designed to protect all those people who want to sit back, sip on some gin and juice, and hear rappers talk about shooting prostitutes in the head without the risk of being exposed to disturbing words and insensitive ideas.

Here is how their official policy—which was lovingly crafted with the assistance of the ADL and SPLC—describes “hate content”:

Hate content is content that expressly and principally promotes, advocates, or incites hatred or violence against a group or individual based on characteristics, including, race, religion, gender identity, sex, ethnicity, nationality, sexual orientation, veteran status, or disability….

Sure, why don’t you take all the fun out of music while you’re at it?

First on their chopping block is R&B singer R. Kelly, who despite a net worth estimated at approximately $150 million is perhaps best known for allegedly having sex with underage girls on camera and urinating on groupies. Even though Kelly has never been convicted of any sex crimes, it is the persistent stench of the rumors surrounding him and his alleged “sex cult” that have led the musical school marms at Spotify to deem him a hateful person who should be removed from their editorial and algorithmic playlists.

Spotify spokesdude Jonathan Prince explains that although they do not censor artists, they simply don’t want to endorse those that may possibly be hateful, because then the ADL and SPLC would hate them for it.

Scott Purdy is a 23-year-old Englishman who, if we are to be painfully blunt, isn’t very purdy, at least not in the looks department.

After breaking his foot in what we will presume was not a sexual mishap, Purdy was prescribed the brand-name painkiller Lyrica, which he says turned him from a well-adjusted heterosexual into a raving faygeleh seemingly overnight:

I noticed my libido for women had gone and I was wanting male attention. I was with a girlfriend I had been with for around six months. I had never been interested in men. When I was younger I was a little bit curious but a couple of weeks after I started taking it I turned around and said I didn’t find her physically attractive anymore…I had been taking it for a few weeks and I have come to the realization that when I take it I want males.

Scott gushes that he’s met a man on the dating site Plenty of Fish and hopes to hook up with him sometime soon.

Barbera Aimes is a pretentious 59-year-old Colorado woman who just couldn’t be content spelling her name “Barbara Ames.” A self-described former punk rocker and wild child back in the 1980s, she decided it would be a good idea to marry a black man in the early 1990s.

Only months after their marital union, the black man—who insists he’s not gay—began frequenting gay bathhouses, where he was eventually bitten in the ass by a nasty little bug known as HIV. Being a generous man, he also gave the virus to his wife.

In the winter of 2011, Barbera came down with what she thought was a “pesky cold,” but the “next thing I know I was throwing up everywhere.” Doctors soon determined that she was HIV-positive, and if there’s one thing you don’t want to be positive about, it’s HIV.

Her husband eventually confessed that he’d been having his helmet polished for years at gay bathhouses even though, as he already told us all, he isn’t gay. At first, Barbera says she was taken aback by his skeevy confession: “I thought I was an astronaut in space and someone had cut my cord. I was screaming and angry and hurt.”

Then, however, she decided to be a tolerant grownup and forgive her husband for infecting her with the deadly virus—which she now views as a “gift”—since she wasn’t tossing him the booty as often as he needed it:

It’s not uncommon for straight men to go to a gay bathhouse. He loved the attention. He was not getting anything from me.

What the world needs now are more white women who marry black men out of guilt feelings and then willingly submit to a viral death sentence out of additional guilt feelings that weren’t assuaged by marrying the black guy in the first place. Then, and only then, will our culture be halfway on the path back to sanity.

Daily updates with TM’s latest