The Week That Perished

March 25, 2018

The Week’s Most Coercive, Discursive, and Subversive Headlines

On Saturday in Washington, DC, hundreds of bajillions of angry American students—their frothy rage whipped up and financed by the likes of Planned Parenthood and George Soros’s Move On—descended like neutered cicada to announce that they were “fed up” and “had enough” of all these gun murders plaguing our country.

Instant Celeb David Hogg—a Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School who was not fired upon nor in the direct vicinity of a gun during the mass shooting at the school yet seems dead-set on milking the tragedy for all it’s worth to him and those who are pulling his strings—rallied the gun-grabbing teen hordes with this stirring oratory:

The cold grasp of corruption shackles the District of Columbia. The winter is over. Change is here. The sun shines on a new day. And the day is ours. First time voters show up 18% of the time in midterm elections. Not any more. (applause) Now who here is going to vote in the 2018 election. If you listen real close you hear the people in power shaking.

(Actually, we listened really close to the audio, and what we heard seemed to be students’ teeth chattering from all that Adderall.)

Just to show that he’s down with “the people,” Hogg ended his speech with a black power salute. How more authentic can a white boy get?

But who are these “people in power”? What is the government, if not, you know, the “people in power”? And not only does the government have warehouses stacked with fully automatic guns that none of you silly little fools are demanding they be divested of, they have tanks and jets and battleships and chemical weapons and nuclear bombs.

The “people in power” aren’t shaking at all. They’re gleefully rubbing their hands.

By the way, has anyone else noticed the resemblance between David Hogg and mass shooter Elliot Rodger?

“The ‘people in power’ aren’t shaking at all. They’re gleefully rubbing their hands.”

In 2016 a Scottish man with unattractive facial piercings and self-professed leftist political sympathies posted a video on YouTube of his dog Sieg-Heiling and watching Hitler speeches.

As a result, Mark Meechan—who calles himself “Count Dankula”—has been convicted of a hate crime and will be sentenced next month. His crime was being “grossly offensive,” which violates Section 127 of the UK Communications Act by prohibiting “grossly offensive, indecent, obscene, or menacing” electronic communications.

Meechan claimed that he filmed the video to annoy his girlfriend, who fawned over the dog, because the “least cute” thing he could think of was to be a Nazi. But experts on “hate” and the court—both of whom knew Meechan’s motivations better than he does, or are at least acting like they do—disagreed, insisting that if we don’t stop pugs from Sieg Heiling, the world will become engulfed in flames yet again, leading to another 70 years of guilt-inducing documentaries. We can all agree that no one—neither pugs nor Nazis—wants that.

“I think it is a very dark day in regards to freedom of speech and freedom of expression,” Meechan told reporters after his conviction, adding that British comedians should be “very, very worried about making jokes in the future.”

Because it is impolite to mock the mentally disabled, we will refrain from intimating that only the mentally handicapped would think that socialism makes any economic sense.

Democratic National Committee vice chair and former Nation of Islam member Keith Ellison says that raising the minimum wage to $15 isn’t enough and that workers actually need to be paid a “maximum wage.” He bemoaned the fact that McDonald’s CEO makes far more than their burger-flippers do, yet he didn’t seem to pause to consider whether the work the CEO does generates far more income than, you know, flipping burgers.

In Venezuela—which has been burning and collapsing for quite a while now—President Nicolás Maduro suggested a brilliant cure for the socialist nation’s hyperinflation crisis—just whip out an invisible axe and chop three zeroes off the currency. That’s right—if a dozen eggs currently cost 250,000 bolivars, just pretend they only cost 250 and your hyperinflation crisis is solved.

Several economic experts referred to Maduro’s plan as “retarded.” OK, they didn’t, but we suspect that at least they were thinking it.

Although factually correct, it is considered insensitive—bad tennis, if you will—to state that when the English colonized Australia, the aboriginals were doing little more than eating worms and playing with sticks.

Due to a deep-seated sense of guilt for coming from a culture that invented more things in a day than Australian aborigines did throughout all of Dreamtime, Australian’s politicians are forcing white nurses to announce their “white privilege” before treating aboriginal or Torres Strait Island patients. Although it is not currently required, we suspect that authorities would be perfectly happy to see the white nurses ceremonially wash their patients’ brown feet while apologizing for being white.

We fail to see the privilege in being forced to apologize for either your success or your very existence. Can someone explain this to us?

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