The Week That Perished

March 11, 2018

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The Week That Perished

The Week’s Loopiest, Droopiest, and Poopiest Headlines

Born Louis Eugene Walcott 84 years ago in the Bronx, the man known and beloved by millions of Americans as Louis Farrakhan just can’t keep his hi-yella yap shut about Jews. You’d figure that after blaming them for the slave trade, he would’ve taken a Xanax, curled up to a TV dinner, and watched the Winter Olympics, but no—he’s got the Jew Fever and he wants you to have it, too.

Since 1977, the former pioneer of transphobic calypso music has led the Nation of Islam, a wacky Islamic cult founded by an apparently transracial white man named Wallace Fard Muhammad. Among other things, the NOI teaches its embarrassingly gullible followers that whites were created by an evil black scientist named Yakub and that there’s a giant black-operated spaceship hovering over Earth that is poised to one day wipe out the crackers forever.

In his sassy, fiery oratorical style, Farrakhan relentlessly slams whites and Jews, but for reasons that remain unclear at press time, the media only seem to care about the latter.

At a recent shindig in Chicago honoring the Nation of Islam’s hilarious legacy, Farrakhan spared neither the whites nor the Jews from his wrath:

White folks are going down. And Satan is going down. And Farrakhan, by God’s grace, has pulled the cover off of that Satanic Jew and I’m here to say your time is up, your world is through.

“The” Satanic Jew? Only one?

Farrakhan also praised dead white men Richard Nixon and Billy Graham for attacking Jews’ “grip on the media” and for realizing “how the Jews were responsible for all of this filth and degenerate behavior that Hollywood is putting out turning men into women and women into men.” He said the Jews were “the mother and father of apartheid” and also chided former Nation of Islam member and current Democratic Party mover and shaker Keith Ellison for renouncing him by warning Ellison: “let me tell you something, when you want something in this world, the Jew holds the door.”

Again—only one Jew? And while we’re at it, only one door, too?

“At a recent shindig in Chicago honoring the Nation of Islam’s hilarious legacy, Farrakhan spared neither the whites nor the Jews from his wrath.”

After briefly recoiling at Farrakhan’s statements, members of a certain special-interest group scurried around trying to get people to denounce him. When asked to distance himself even further from Farrakhan, Keith Ellison shrugged his chocolatey shoulders and said that people don’t give a fig about his associations with him.

Likewise, South Carolina Rep. James Clyburn—the third-highest-ranking Hosue Democrat—refused to disavow the bow tie-wearing anti-Semite. And Indiana Rep. Andre Carson—who sort of resembles George Foreman after a 400-day angel-dust binge—also refused to besmirch Louis the Charmer. And longtime Farrakhan chum Maxine Waters has never condemned him, neither then nor now.

We’ll bet you weren’t aware that three of the four founders of that idiotic Women’s March thing—the three who aren’t white—are firm and eager Farrakhan supporters. When asked to disavow him in the wake of his recent spate of unbridled Jew-baiting, Tamika Mallory turned the tables and said Farrakhan has “the same enemies as Jesus,” while Linda Sarsour claimed that he was “too blessed” for her to criticize.

Even Twitter—which is kicking off people leftright and right—still not only allows Farrakhan a forum, they give him the coveted blue checkmark that signifies official approval. This, despite the fact that he’s Tweeted that the “Jews have control over” the FBI and wield this power to make black people miserable.

Despite all that, Farrakhan recently tweeted the following…

What have I done to make Jewish people hate me?

…the moxie!

Did you hear about the white serial killer who publicly stated he wanted to kill all black people and now has been charged with murdering six of them?

No, we haven’t, either.

But it’s also likely that you haven’t heard about 22-year-old Fredrick Demond Scott, who is charged with killing five men and one woman—all of them white and in their 50s and 60s—mostly along the Indian Creek hiking trail on the south side of Kansas City, MO in a series of slayings from August 2016 to August 2017.

According to court documents, in 2014 Scott was disciplined as a high schooler for threatening to “shoot the school up, Columbine-style” as well as threatening to kill himself and “all white people.”

Alas, he didn’t kill himself. Sometimes these people can’t be trusted to keep their promises.

To our innumerable Christian readers we would like to apologize for what’s happening to your religion on several fronts. Even though we aren’t responsible for it, you have our sympathy, because they’re mutating your belief system beyond recognition.

Last week the Church of Scotland distributed a 30-page booklet to every wee bonnie church across the red-haired, freckle-faced land. Titled Diverse Gender Identities and Pastoral Care, it beseeches the flock to accept dudes who think they’re chicks and every other skeevy manifestation of that gross delusion:

Instruct the Council (Mission and Discipleship Council) working with the Church and Society Council and others, where appropriate, to promote congregational learning and awareness of the issues transgender and gender non-conforming people experience, in order to better facilitate pastoral care to and inclusion of transgender and gender non-conforming people at a local level.

The booklet also includes several heartwarming testimonials from TransChristians, including this gleaming little copper nugget from some dude who’s now calling himself “Iona”:

I have always had a strong sense of ‘me’ but it was always alongside a deep puzzlement about how I felt and what I saw in the mirror. I remember looking in the mirror one day and I was dressed as woman, with a wig and full makeup and I thought—yes, this is me. This is who I am. I felt great joy. Some people only feel that contentment after full surgery but I feel that contentment now even though I still have my little penis. Some men have vaginas and some women have penises.

You are incorrect, Iona.

What’s being described as a “racist sign” spotted at a New Jersey post office caused ripples of “outrage” and even a full-blown “outcry.”

Put up at some unspecified time last Thursday morning before being taken down that afternoon, the sign said:

March is national stop blaming white people month! Accept responsibility for your own bad choices. Hug a white person!

Does that joker even know what year it is? Anyone who’s not wearing a tinfoil hat realizes that our entire civilization, as it stands in the current year, is founded on blaming white people.

A local councilwoman named Betsy Driver—who looks as if she hasn’t seen a penis since high-school biology class—expressed her very public outrage in a Facebook post:

This is disturbing. And sadder is that the poster posted it…as an ‘lmao’ item. Racism in our town exists, and the racists have been emboldened in the past year to fly their hateful flags a bit higher and yell a bit louder.

Saddest and most disturbing at all is trying to picture Ms. Driver attempting to explain to her dozen or so cats why she has no male suitors.

Since Hollywood and academia won’t seem to rest until they’ve normalized penetrative sex between humans and baby animals, this year’s Academy Award winner for Best Picture was The Shape of Water, a love story about a lonely woman who gets banged by The Creature From The Black Lagoon.

Someone at the Huffington Post thought it would be a good idea to seize the day and strike while the iron was hot and offer a man who is mostly known for having sex with a female dolphin in the 1970s to give his opinions on the film and what it all means for social justice, a concept which has apparently expanded to embracing carnal relations between humans and cetaceans.

Back in 1970, Malcolm J. Brenner—who claims that extensive abuse at the hands of a psychologist gave him weird sexual proclivities such as, oh, masturbating alongside his pet poodle as a teen—was allowed access to a theme park called Floridaland near Sarasota to snap photos of a dolphin show. It was here that he met “Dolly”—a randy girl dolphin who sexually harassed him:

She would rub her genital slit against me. And if I tried to push her away, she would get very angry with me. One time, when she wanted to masturbate on my foot and I wouldn’t let her, she threw herself on top of me and pushed me down to the 12-foot bottom of the pool….

Eventually, Brenner threw caution to the wind and succumbed to the horny lady dolphin’s rude advances:

When she would open her mouth and run her teeth very lightly along my arms and my legs, the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I mean, it was amazing. And to have gone through this whole process of where she started out expecting me to respond like a male dolphin would, until it finally had somehow gotten through to her that she had to be more gentle with me, and to see her respond in that way was haunting.

“Haunting” doesn’t even begin to describe it, sir. You’ve apparently described things in repulsively graphic detail in your 2010 memoir, Wet Goddess.

Regarding The Shape of Water, Brenner says he still finds dolphins sexier than “that thing” in the movie, although he holds out hope that the film will serve as positive propaganda for his lifelong quest to remold society’s bigoted attitudes to the point where sex between humans and sea creatures “will be no more regarded as controversial or harmful than interracial sex is today.”

To all men who fantasize about having sex with dolphins, as well as all women who masturbate to the idea of being forcibly taken by scaly green men with gills, may none of your dreams ever come true.

Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.

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