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The Week That Perished

March 11, 2018

“STOP BLAMING WHITE PEOPLE” SIGN CAUSES PAIN AND WAILING
What’s being described as a “racist sign” spotted at a New Jersey post office caused ripples of “outrage” and even a full-blown “outcry.”

Put up at some unspecified time last Thursday morning before being taken down that afternoon, the sign said:

March is national stop blaming white people month! Accept responsibility for your own bad choices. Hug a white person!

Does that joker even know what year it is? Anyone who’s not wearing a tinfoil hat realizes that our entire civilization, as it stands in the current year, is founded on blaming white people.

A local councilwoman named Betsy Driver—who looks as if she hasn’t seen a penis since high-school biology class—expressed her very public outrage in a Facebook post:

This is disturbing. And sadder is that the poster posted it…as an ‘lmao’ item. Racism in our town exists, and the racists have been emboldened in the past year to fly their hateful flags a bit higher and yell a bit louder.

Saddest and most disturbing at all is trying to picture Ms. Driver attempting to explain to her dozen or so cats why she has no male suitors.

MAN WHO HAD SEX WITH A DOLPHIN REVIEWS “THE SHAPE OF WATER”
Since Hollywood and academia won’t seem to rest until they’ve normalized penetrative sex between humans and baby animals, this year’s Academy Award winner for Best Picture was The Shape of Water, a love story about a lonely woman who gets banged by The Creature From The Black Lagoon.

Someone at the Huffington Post thought it would be a good idea to seize the day and strike while the iron was hot and offer a man who is mostly known for having sex with a female dolphin in the 1970s to give his opinions on the film and what it all means for social justice, a concept which has apparently expanded to embracing carnal relations between humans and cetaceans.

Back in 1970, Malcolm J. Brenner—who claims that extensive abuse at the hands of a psychologist gave him weird sexual proclivities such as, oh, masturbating alongside his pet poodle as a teen—was allowed access to a theme park called Floridaland near Sarasota to snap photos of a dolphin show. It was here that he met “Dolly”—a randy girl dolphin who sexually harassed him:

She would rub her genital slit against me. And if I tried to push her away, she would get very angry with me. One time, when she wanted to masturbate on my foot and I wouldn’t let her, she threw herself on top of me and pushed me down to the 12-foot bottom of the pool….

Eventually, Brenner threw caution to the wind and succumbed to the horny lady dolphin’s rude advances:

When she would open her mouth and run her teeth very lightly along my arms and my legs, the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I mean, it was amazing. And to have gone through this whole process of where she started out expecting me to respond like a male dolphin would, until it finally had somehow gotten through to her that she had to be more gentle with me, and to see her respond in that way was haunting.

“Haunting” doesn’t even begin to describe it, sir. You’ve apparently described things in repulsively graphic detail in your 2010 memoir, Wet Goddess.

Regarding The Shape of Water, Brenner says he still finds dolphins sexier than “that thing” in the movie, although he holds out hope that the film will serve as positive propaganda for his lifelong quest to remold society’s bigoted attitudes to the point where sex between humans and sea creatures “will be no more regarded as controversial or harmful than interracial sex is today.”

To all men who fantasize about having sex with dolphins, as well as all women who masturbate to the idea of being forcibly taken by scaly green men with gills, may none of your dreams ever come true.


Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.

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