News

The Week That Perished

June 17, 2018

Albert Einstein

The Week’s Brainiest, Grainiest, and Zaniest Headlines

EINSTEIN: NO FRIEND OF THE CHINAMAN
Albert Einstein was an extremely smart mathematician whose theories helped lead to the atomic bomb, a terrifying weapon which has only been dropped on human populations twice, leading to the deaths of an estimated 200,000 slant-eyed Japs.

Einstein also once said that racism was “a disease of white people,” which sounds kind of racist against white people.

Still, it comes as a shock to the entire world that the man whose theories led to the nuking of nearly a quarter-million Asians would have had some less-than-kind things to say about Chinese people.

Einstein’s travel diaries reveal ‘shocking’ xenophobia,” screams the headline in the Guardian. (In case you were unaware, people have become much more easily shocked since Einstein’s heyday.)

The Travel Diaries of Albert Einstein have recently been published, and they contain the following sweet verbal nectar drops regarding that exotic and faraway race that country singer George Jones once referred to as “The Poor Chinee”:

A peculiar herd-like nation…[an] industrious, filthy, obtuse people…often more like automatons than people….Even the children are spiritless and look obtuse….I noticed how little difference there is between men and women; I don’t understand what kind of fatal attraction Chinese women possess which enthrals [sic] the corresponding men to such an extent that they are incapable of defending themselves against the formidable blessing of offspring….It would be a pity if these Chinese supplant all other races. For the likes of us the mere thought is unspeakably dreary.

“Einstein once said that racism was ‘a disease of white people,’ which sounds kind of racist against white people.”

Excuse us, Mr. Einstein, but if you think there are more than five or six Chinese women among the half-billion currently on this planet who’d want to bang you, you are sadly mistaken, wherever you may be in the post-nuclear afterlife.

Ze’ev Rosenkranz, a director of the Einstein Papers Project who apparently doesn’t think it’s annoying as hell to have an apostrophe in your name, was quick to condemn Einstein as a racist and a xenophobe and a man who was deeply prejudiced, even though Einstein’s comments came after exposure to the Chinese and thus qualify instead as firmly postjudiced.

GUN FAGS RISING: MEET THE “PINK PISTOLS”
Even though a Muslim named Omar Mateen slaughtered 49 people in a gay club two years ago declaring that he did it on behalf of the Islamic State, America’s gaylords and fag-a-trons still want to blame the only president in recent history who says that shlepping more Muslims into the country might not be a good idea.

A group which calls itself the Human Rights Center but focuses entirely on the rights of sodomites claims that last year, 52 gay Americans were murdered because of their sexuality.

As a result of such atrocities, homos across the nation are allegedly taking up arms and fighting for their goddamned lives.

In the hyperbolic drama-queen fashion that is typical of The Gays, a tiny lesbian tells The New York Post that “I don’t want to get beaten to death, stabbed and burnt alive. I want a gun to feel equal.”

Where are gay people getting beaten to death, stabbed, and burnt alive? Oh, right—in Muslim countries. They’re getting thrown off buildings there, too. But when was the last time that an American man who lieth with a man as he would lieth with a woman was burnt alive? (More importantly, is it on YouTube?)

Because 52 homos among America’s population of 10 million or so homos were murdered for being homos last year, Americas 9,999,948 still-living homos are in a tizzy. They are joining gay gun groups such as the Pink Pistols, AKA the “gay NRA.” The Pistols allegedly boast 10,000 “mostly queer” members in 45 regional chapters. Piper Smith, a lezzie who heads the San Diego chapter, says that she decided to arm herself two days after Omar Mateen’s massacre in Orlando.

“Gays that are armed and trained don’t get bashed and killed,” explains Pink Pistol “poster boy” Jeff Bloovman, who to our knowledge has never shot anyone for attempting to gay-bash him, although we suspect he’d enjoy it.

Gay and bisexual men in America acquire 26,000 new HIV infections every year. At least 5,200 gay men died of AIDS last year, which means that easily avoidable HIV infections kill gay men at a clip of at least 100-1 compared to anti-gay murder. Homophobic homicide is hardly the biggest threat to the gay community—the gay lifestyle itself is.

MEXICO: OVER 100 POLITICIANS KILLED SINCE LAST SEPTEMBER
When Donald Trump infamously said that Mexico is not sending its best people to the USA, one of the many reasons he may have been wrong is that there are still a whole lotta crappy people in Mexico.

Fernando Purón, a congressional candidate in the nation’s upcoming elections on July 1, was posing for a post-debate selfie on June 8 when a bearded gunman walked up behind him and shot out his brains. Purón is thought to be the 112th politician killed since the country’s election cycle began last September.

Earlier in June, three female Mexican politicians were killed within a 24-hour period.

Several more politicians are expected to bite the bullet in the days leading up to the July 1 election.

Oh, and Mexico had a record number of homicides last year.

And there were 852 train robberies in Mexico in the first three months of this year alone.

So if you’re thinking about taking a vacation, just go to that tourist trap in South Carolina called South of the Border and pretend it’s Mexico. At least you’ll leave with your head intact—not to mention some adorable knickknacks.

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