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The Week That Perished

June 10, 2018

TRANNY PARENT: DON’T CALL ME MY BABY’S MOTHER
An unidentified “transgender man” who just had a baby, which actually means it’s a woman who claims she’s a man for some wacky mental reason, wishes to be identified as either this poor child’s “parent” or “father” on legal paperwork, but no way in hell does she want the official documents to call her what she really is, which is the kid’s “mother.” The “man” was born a woman and remains a woman but “realized he was a man” a few years ago, possibly after eating some moldy rye bread. If this wacky broad’s lawsuit is successful, it will mean the end of the legal definition of gender and motherhood in British law and probably the ultimate triumph of sharia law eleven to fourteen months later, because power always fills a vacuum.

AUSTRIA STARTS SHUTTERING MOSQUES
In December, Austrian voters elected 31-year-old Sebastian Kurz—a hardline nationalist with a passing resemblance to Patrick Bateman in American Psycho—as the nation’s new Chancellor. In 2015 Kurz had pushed through a law that banned foreign funding of religious institutions in Austria. At a news conference last week, Kurz announced plans to shut down seven mosques and to possibly expel three dozen or more imams back to their dirty, stinky nations of origin, using the 2015 law as a pretext for the bans. Worshipers who showed up at the seven mosques on Friday were greeted with a sign that said “CLOSED.”

“Parallel societies, political Islam and radicalization have no place in our country,” Kurz told reporters. “This is just the beginning,” Vice Chancellor Heinz-Christian Strache added, we imagine with a loud, sinister cackle while feverishly rubbing his hands together.

WHITE PEOPLE: MORE FED UP WITH THEMSELVES THAN EVER
Rutgers University history professor James Livingston has the smarmy, smackable smirk that besmirches the faces of white guys who hate themselves for being white guys and take a perverse sort of pride in their public declarations of shame.

He apparently lives in Harlem, likely because it helps him pretend he’s black, and he was recently eating at a burger joint when his nose was put out of joint at the sight of white children eating there, too. Highly upset and possibly even nauseous at the specter of such unhinged whiteness, he posted the following on Facebook:

OK, officially, I now hate white people. I am a white people [sic], for God’s sake, but can we keep them - us - out of my neighborhood? I just went to Harlem Shake on 124 and Lenox for a Classic burger to go, that would [be] my dinner, and the place is overrun with little Caucasian assholes who know their parents will approve of anything they do. Slide around the floor, you little shithead, sing loudly, you moron. Do what you want, nobody here is gonna restrict your right to be white. I hereby resign from my race. Fuck these people. Yeah, I know, it’s about access to my dinner. Fuck you, too.

Facing criticism for his comments, this white man who colonized Harlem doubled down and accused the white children of trying to colonize Harlem:

I just don’t want little Caucasians overrunning my life, as they did last night. Please God, remand them to the suburbs, where they and their parents can colonize every restaurant, all the while pretending that the idiotic indulgence of their privilege signifies cosmopolitan—you know, as in sophisticated “European”—commitments.

It would be immoral to wish that James Livingston were to get robbed by a roving pack of black youths, so we will not do that.

Melinda Gates, a homely woman who is married to mega-kazillionaire computer nerd Bill Gates, is launching out on some venture capital project that we suspect was designed by her husband to keep her busy and prevent her from banging other guys. In a recent speech announcing her vanity project, she promises to favor “women and minorities” over “the white guy.” In one sense, it’s understandable—if we had to sleep next to Bill Gates, we might favor women and minorities, too.

In Surfer magazine—where surfers who are actually able to read go to read about all things surfy—a white man named Justin Housman claims, without a shred of scientific evidence, that “Surf Culture Desperately Needs More Diversity.” He laments the fact that surfboards are expensive and it’s hard for inner-city youths to get to the beach and that the surfing community is a “mostly homogenous pack of white people”:

It’s clear that surf culture does have a problem, and that problem stems from a lack of diversity within our ranks…surfing today, at least in the world’s two most globally influential surfing nations—the USA and Australia—is overwhelmingly white and upper middle class.

Would it be wrong to hope this guy gets bitten by a shark?


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Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.

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