The Week That Perished

July 08, 2018

Multiple Pages
The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Hispanic, Volcanic, and Satanic Headlines

As the telegenic fist-puppet of the global elite, Justin Trudeau does everything his string-pullers tell him to do: He pretends that Muslims are human, that trannies are women, that white people need to be eliminated, and that women never lie about rape.

Earlier this year, Trudeau threw his support behind the castration-crazy witch hunt known as #MeToo, a vanity project in which women receive love, cash, interview requests, and the sweet taste of revenge by boasting that they were sexually assaulted by powerful men. He called it “a movement whose time has come”:

Sexual harassment is a systemic problem. It is unacceptable. When women speak up, it is our duty to listen to them and to believe them.

Yeah, that’s going to be problematic for the boyish man whom many suspect is the bastard love child of Fidel Castro and Trudeau’s schlong-gobbling whore of a mother.

Way, way, WAY back in 2000, an unsigned editorial appeared in a small-town British Columbia newspaper called The Creston Valley Advance. It claimed that while attending a music festival, Trudeau—who was 28 at the time and not yet a politician—was guilty of “inappropriately handling” one of two female reporters assigned to cover his appearance at the event:

Didn’t he learn through his vast experiences in public life, that groping a strange young woman isn’t the handbook of proper etiquette?

The story also says that the day after groping the reporter, Trudeau apologized, saying, “I never would have been so forward” if he’d known she had media access.

The story has recently resurfaced, with the added gut-punch of the unnamed reporter finally identifying herself.

Rose Knight contacted the CBC last week to issue the following statement:

I was the reporter who was the subject of the Open Eyes editorial, published in the Creston Valley Advance in August of 2000….The incident referred to in the editorial did occur, as reported. Mr Trudeau did apologize the next day.

Forced to respond, Trudeau claims that although “I do not feel I acted inappropriately in any way,” he concedes that maybe Rose Knight experienced things differently.

When asked why he apologized to her if he hadn’t misbehaved, he said:

It was because I saw that she had been made uncomfortable and I did not want her to be uncomfortable regardless of whether I knew why she was uncomfortable or not.

That’s the most uncomfortable attempt at mansplaining we’ve ever heard.

“Beware of anyone who insists they know what you really mean. They rarely have your best interests in mind.”

In an obvious attempt to starve Trump supporters to death, restaurants are denying them service and abusing them with a sadistic ferocity not witnessed since Romans fed Christians to lions.

In Vancouver—which is in Canada, whose prime minister publicly apologized for groping a woman in 2000—a man has been fired for refusing to serve a customer who sashayed into the Teahouse in Stanley Park foolishly wearing a “Make America Great Again” cap. Daniel Hodge, former manager, says that when he looked at the hat, he actually didn’t see “Make America Great Again” —instead, he saw “racism, bigotry, Islamophobia, misogyny, white supremacy, [and] homophobia.”

That’s a lotta words to fit on a baseball cap!

Despite being fired, Hodge remains impenitent and for some reason saw the need to announce to the world that he is an intensely good person:

As a person with a strong moral backbone, I had to take a stand against this guest’s choice of headwear while in my former place of work. Absolutely no regrets.

In Texas—which will likely be forced to soon change its name to El Texas—a beefy 30-year-old Hispanic man with the adorable name of Kino Jimenez has been arrested for snatching a skinny 16-year-old white kid’s MAGA hat and throwing a soft drink on him at 2AM at a Whataburger franchise. The victim, Hunter Richard, says that Jimenez ambled up to his table, ripped the hat from his head, and asked him what it meant. When Richard said it symbolized his support for the president, Jimenez threw a drink on him, said, “You ain’t supportin’ shit, nigga,” and walked out of the restaurant, MAGA hat in hand.

On Twitter, one user hallucinated that Richard had been wearing a Nazi baseball cap:

Wish I could take the high road. But your MAGA hat reads like a swastika to me. So ummm … hmmm. Yeah. Maybe I’m no longer a decent person.

This tweet was “liked” by “hip hop professor” Marc Lamont Hill, who added that MAGA hats “deliberately” send a message of “racism, homophobia, xenophobia, etc.,” rather than, oh, “Make America Great Again.”

Beware of anyone who insists they know what you really mean. They rarely have your best interests in mind.

Rippling waves of anti-homophobic panic roiled the bleak and underwhelming California capital city of Sacramento last week after a white man was spotted placing flyers around a neighborhood claiming there is a medical link between lesbian sex and cancer:

There is no other reason (for higher rates of cancer) than the activity involving the genitals that is solely peculiar to lesbianism. Lesbians’ lifestyle is the same as everybody else except for their lovemaking activity that is exclusive to them, therefore it must be that activity which results in a higher incidence of cancer because everything else they do is the same as everybody else…their way of lovemaking is what causes high estrogen which causes cancer.

Since a Bible verse was included in the leaflet, there is speculation that the man is a “Christian extremist.”

Whether or not Sapphic shenanigans lead to cancer, there is undeniable scientific proof of a link between lesbianism and pantsuits.

For the first time in the history of the universe, Miss Universe may be a biological mister.

A dude who thinks he’s a chick named Jenna Talackova was barred from competing as Canada’s representative for Miss Universe in 2012, despite the fact that he’s a dead ringer for Ivanka Trump and our allegedly fag-hating president supported Talacklova’s bid back when he owned the pageant.

But finally—to the joy of people who gain moral succor from cheering the advancements of dudes who think they’re chicks—the Miss Universe pageant will have a delusional male as a contestant—Angela Ponce will take his male chromosomes with him to represent Spain in this year’s contest. Hopefully he’ll be able to tape down his hairy balls long enough to snatch the prize to the delight of men who wish they were born with snatches.

Sure, Congressman Maxine Waters is dumb, corrupt, and seemingly devoid of any redeeming characteristics, but that doesn’t give anyone the right to insult her.

An interracial catfight has emerged between Waters and that plastic-surgery disaster named Nancy Pelosi.

It all started after Waters’s infamous recent comment encouraging public harassment against Trump’s Cabinet members that bore an uncomfortable resemblance in sentiment to “Don’t let the sun set on you in this town, boy”: 

…anybody from that Cabinet in a restaurant, in a department store, at a gasoline station, you get out and you create a crowd. And you push back on them. And you tell them they’re not welcome anymore, anywhere.

Possibly sensing that this level of Trial of Billy Jack insane leftist street violence that has infected the Democrat Party lately may be bad for the brand, Pelosi handed Waters a meek reprimand:

In the crucial months ahead, we must strive to make America beautiful again. Trump’s daily lack of civility has provoked responses that are predictable but unacceptable.

Shocked and horrified by what they saw as essentially a slave whipping, a group of “nearly 200 black female leaders” that magically included “some men” sent an open letter to Pelosi demanding that she kneel and kiss Waters’s black ass:

Disparaging or failing to support Congresswoman Waters is an affront to her and Black women across the country and telegraphs a message that the Democratic Party can ill afford: that it does not respect Black women’s leadership and political power and discounts the impact of Black women and millennial voters.

Not to be outdone, a group of over 3,700 white women have sent their own letter to Pelosi, urging her to peel off her own white skin and burn it:

We, like you, are white women who care deeply about the direction in which our country is headed, and who believe that inaction in the face of oppression is unacceptable…When you attack a Black woman for speaking out about injustice, and when you call for “civility” in the face of blatant racism, you invoke a long history of white supremacist power….White women have been culpable throughout history for acting—or, just as shamefully, not acting—in ways that support white supremacy….To our great discredit, white women continue to act far too often in ways that support white supremacy, even when it is to our detriment.

Never to be outdone by anybody, our glorious president referred to the perpetually angry black Congresswoman as “Crazy Maxine Waters” and called her “an extraordinarily low IQ person.”

How can anyone not love this man?

Twenty-eight-year-old Democratic Socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is being pimped as the future of the Democrat Party after her upset win against a long-entrenched incumbent in a recent NYC primary.

Since she is a brown woman, people are projecting the same sort of delusional hopes onto Cortez that they projected onto a brown woman named Barack Obama back in 2008.

And since she is all about wealth inequality, she has made very clear that she’s street smart and had to scrimp and scrap and squirm and save to get to where she is today.

Lodging what appears to be a veiled threat at Donald Trump, she has noted that since he’s from Queens, he probably doesn’t know “how to deal with a girl from the Bronx.” She also protested too much to the Washington Post that she “wasn’t born to a wealthy or powerful family” but instead was “born in a place where your zip code determines your destiny.”

That’s technically, true, if you focus on the “born” part. But by age five, her family was living in the notoriously upper-crust Westchester County town of Yorktown Heights, which is still 81% white and whose residents enjoy a per-capita income twice the national average.

Scratch a socialist and you’ll find a prep-school kid. It never fails.

UN human-rights experts—not that we trust them, nor that we even necessarily believe in or support human rights—have released a 126-page report detailing the grisly atrocities perpetrated between government forces and rebels in the Congo starting in late 2016.

You think Roots was bad? Listen to this:

• Young boys were forced to rape their mothers (which assumes they had to be forced)
• Soldiers ate victims’ flesh AS they died, not after they died
• Soldiers “sported female genitals as medals”
• Penises were cut from living men
• Little girls were convinced that witchcraft would enable them to catch bullets without harm
• Lots of blood-drinking
• 186 men and boys from one village were decapitated in one fell swoop

Suddenly there isn’t a single ghetto in America that doesn’t look good.

It is a scientific fact that no one likes male feminists, especially female feminists.

A recent study from the University of Kent and Iowa State University has found what all of us in our right, natural, God-given, red-blooded, hard-working, hard-playing, righteous minds have always known—women don’t like weak men. They like assholes. We didn’t make the rules, so don’t kill us for noticing them.

The term “benevolent sexist” applies to men who are kind to women in a way that the shrieking harpies of Fifth Wave Post-Feminism are likely to find condescending and patriarchal. Rather than slugging and raping women, they flex their misogyny muscles by offering to protect them from harm and provide for them.

Scientists Pelin Gul and Tom Kupfer note that women, even ones who identify as feminists, are more likely to express sexual attraction for so-called “benevolent sexists” than for “male feminist allies” who are gullible enough to treat women as their equals:

Evidence shows that many women – even those who desire [equal] relationships – want a man to be chivalrous, by, for example, paying for dates and opening doors for them….Furthermore, the finding that high feminist women, and not only low feminist women, rated a [sexist] potential romantic partner as more attractive despite being more aware of the detrimental effects, suggests that the attraction may be a mate preference for women in general, and not just for women who endorse traditional gender roles.

Gul and Kupfer speculate that there is an evolutionary underpinning to their test results—biologically, women may find “benevolent sexists” more likely to provide food and shelter for them and their children than some chicken-chested Starbucks-sipper who wants to attend Roxane Gay lectures with them.

In short, everything they’re telling you on TV is a lie, and women still prefer men.

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Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.

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