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The Week That Perished

July 30, 2017

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The Week That Perished

The Week’s Rowdiest, Dowdiest, and Cloudiest Headlines


SPERM COUNTS PLUMMET ACROSS THE WEST
It should come as no laughing matter to those who fret about the demographic decline of “The West”—a place that is synonymous with “white people”—that a recent meta-study finds that over the past four decades, total sperm counts have fallen by nearly 60% “among men in North America, Europe, Australia and New Zealand.”

In an academic paper published in the journal Human Reproduction Update, researchers at the (cough) Hebrew University-Hadassah Braun School of Public Health and Community Medicine at Mount Sinai examined over 7,500 studies from 1973-2011 and concluded that total sperm counts fell 59.3% and sperm concentration plummeted 52.4%.

Kelton Tremellon, a Professor of Reproductive Medicine at Flinders University, reviewed the study and said he was unaware of any similar patterns occurring in Asia, South America, and Sub-Saharan Africa. “This suggests an environmental or lifestyle issue specific to Western society,” he told an Australian newspaper. He suggested obesity as the main culprit.

According to study co-author Shanna H. Swan:

This definitive study shows, for the first time, that this decline is strong and continuing. The fact that the decline is seen in Western countries strongly suggests that chemicals in commerce are playing a causal role in this trend.

Naturally, this news was cause for people who hate “The West”—AKA “nonwhite people”—to scream with glee. Particularly noxious were the comments of one Mohamed Elmouelhy, head of Australia’s Halal Certification Authority, who posted the following delightful comments on Facebook:

According to the Hebrew University, Australian men [sic] sperm count has declined by 52 per cent over the last 40 years so your men are a dying breed, Australian women need us to fertilise them and keep them surrounded by Muslim babies while beer swilling, cigarette smoking, drug injecting can only dream of what Muslim men are capable of….If the country is left to the bigots the white race will be extinct in another 40 years. Muslims have a duty to make your women happy because you are declining, better go chose [sic] a plot for yourself at your local cemetery. If you can’t afford it, commit suicide it is a cheaper alternative for bigots.

Men of the West, if you don’t find your imminent extinction to be a particularly pleasant concept, it’s time to get off the couch, quit microwaving things in plastic containers, put down the donuts, begin pumping iron, and start fuckin’!

BLACK COLLEGIANS: “ALL WHITE PEOPLE ARE RACIST”
At some murky point a generation or two ago when most white people were convinced by the endless bludgeoning of propaganda to stop being racist, did they ever suspect that this well-intentioned but ill-conceived decision would only amplify and multiply the accusation that they were irredeemably racist?

“Only a fool would deny that Trump’s presidency is easily the most dramatic in American history.”

Preston Mitchum—who is so black that sometimes you can only see his teeth in pictures—works at Georgetown Law’s Center for Health and Gender Equity (CHANGE), which is a better gig than, say, swatting at flies and eating cow dung somewhere in the Central African Republic. He took to Twitter last week to express his bottomless gratitude for living in a First World country:

If you are black/brown and your activism and advocacy is heavily supported by white people, you’re likely doing it wrong….Yes, ALL white people are racist. Yes, ALL men are sexist. Yes, ALL cis people are transphobic. We have to unpack that. That’s the work!

(By the way, the nominal yearly per-capita GDP in the Central African Republic is $400, and the average life expectancy for a male at birth is 45 years.)

At England’s once-prestigious Cambridge University, a black male student with an aggressively unpronounceable name and who heads the school’s Black and Minority Ethnic Society said that it was “absolutely delicious” to see blacks riot on London’s East End and how he gobbled up “middle-class white despair” over the sad spectacle. He, too, insisted that all white people are bigoted demon-monsters:

ALL white people are racist. White middle class, white working class, white men, white women, white gays, white children they can ALL geddit.

Oh, we’re starting to “geddit”—maybe not all of us, and maybe not in the way that you think.

TRUMP BANS THE TRANS
Only a fool would deny that Trump’s presidency is easily the most dramatic in American history, and we’re barely past the six-month mark, so grab the popcorn and oil your guns. Last week saw senile warmongering old coot John McCain diagnosed with brain cancer just in time to return to Congress and block a repeal of Obamacare. It also saw the president finally send suspected leaker Pee Wee Herman packing.

But Trump triggered the most outrage by banning dudes who think they’re chicks from the armed forces, leading a writer for salon.com to accuse him of “persecuting transgender Americans” by “shamelessly exploiting bigotry in an effort to keep himself in office.”

Whoa, hold your horses there, Nelly—we see how well it worked out when the US Army was pathologically tolerant toward Bradley Manning’s gender delusions.

Then again, one would have to be a small-fingered, tiny-brained, insane bigot to oppose sending into battle a group of chronically suicidal and unstable PTSD cases who want to slash their wrists and drink bleach at the mere thought of someone using the wrong personal pronoun.

WALMART’S ONLINE STORE DESCRIBES HAIR-CARE PRODUCT AS “NIGGER BROWN”
We always thought Nigger Brown was the name of a 1970s blaxploitation flick starring Fred Williamson and Pam Grier, but boy, were we wrong!

Instead, it’s apparently a color.

The shade of some sort of newfangled African American hair-maintenance contraption known as a “netting weave cap” was described as “nigger brown” in an ad for retail titan Walmart’s website. After the inevitable outrage erupted, Walmart censored The Most Offensive Word in the English Language and issued a statement saying it was “very sorry and appalled” that this ever happened and blamed a “third party seller” for the hilarious racial mishap.


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