News

The Week That Perished

July 22, 2018

Alejandro Alvarez Villegas

The Week’s Skankiest, Wankiest, and Crankiest Headlines

ILLEGAL ALIEN, DEPORTED 11 TIMES, ACCUSED OF ATTACKING WIFE WITH A CHAINSAW
(We would first like to apologize for thoughtlessly using the term “alien” in that subhead, as we have been subsequently informed that it is a derogatory word unfairly applied to people who were not born in this country, do not speak this country’s primary language, and who illegally invade our country, drive wages down, milk the welfare system, and break the dominant culture’s spine. Throughout the rest of this segment, we will instead refer to the subject, one Alejandro Alvarez Villegas, as an “Illegal Mexican Spaceman.”)

Villegas, a Mexican-born Illegal Spaceman, has been deported from the USA a whopping 11 times since 2005, which at least speaks to his perseverance. Now back in the USA and fully illegal for the dozenth time, the Mexican Spaceman has been arrested for allegedly trying to murder his wife—whom we presume is an Illegal Mexican Spacewoman—with a chainsaw at their home in Whittier, CA, which has apparently undergone mucho change-o since Richard Nixon attended college there. At press time, it remains unclear whether or not the chainsaw was a naturalized American citizen.

His wife—we don’t know her name, but let’s call her Consuelo—was rushed to a local hospital and appears destined to survive the brutal chainsaw attack, which is rare in Mexico because they don’t have a lot of machines down there. They have a lot of machetes, but not a lot of machines. According to a police report, the woman we have chosen to call Consuelo endured “traumatic physical injuries, believed to have been inflicted by a chain saw.”

After allegedly trying to fell his wife as if he were a Latin lumberjack and she were a Douglas Fir, the Mexican Spaceman allegedly fled in a stolen car. He is being charged with attempted murder, child endangerment, hit and run, and grand theft auto.

Some people have worried that other people—the bad people—will make a big stink about this story and try to spin some debunked false narrative about how immigration actually isn’t the greatest thing since sliced burritos. Don’t listen to those people, because as we’ve already noted, they’re bad.

But it’s finally time for us, as a nation and all we’ve been through as a country, to confront the grisly reality of chainsaw violence. The First Amendment doesn’t make a peep about the right to own chainsaws.

FRANCE WINS WORLD CUP, THEN RIOTS
Remember Barack Obama? He was recently down in South Africa ignoring the murder of white farmers to comment that not all of France’s World Cup team’s members “looked like Gauls to me. But they’re French! They’re French.”

Well, it depends on how you define “French.” If you want to get all racist about it, over half of the team’s players have genetic roots in sub-Saharan Africa rather than in France. Seven of them are practicing Muslims. A mere six of the team’s 23 players are white.

“Serious times call for funnier politicians.”

Last week, France’s soccer team defeated an all-white, all-Croatian team 4-2 to win the World Cup, and this was all the hired puppets needed to declare the victory as definitive proof that Europe isn’t being ravaged down to its bone marrow by immigration. Many gloated that Marine Le Pen and their ilk were having their noses rubbed in black skin.

A CNN mind-control robot wrote that

France’s electrifying 4-2 World Cup win over Croatia represents a victory for Africa and immigrants everywhere…the World Cup champions remind us all that, in an era of globalization, racial and ethnic diversity represent an enduring strength at all levels of society….

As Paul Kersey has noted, when an all-white Italian team won the cup in 2006 and an all-white Spanish team snagged it 2010, the mainstream press wasn’t prattling on about racial purity and ethnostates. One might even start suspecting that the mainstream press is, like, biased or something.

Within moments of France’s victory, riots and looting and window-smashing and car-burning erupted throughout what once was a nation, requiring a police force of 100,000 to keep France from collapsing entirely. A review of footage reveals that the rioters were predominately of the type that are currently invading and enriching France.

Maybe they weren’t acting like Gauls because they weren’t Gauls at all.

Meanwhile, in the Croatian capital of Zagreb, a presumably 99% Croatian crowd mobbed the city’s center to celebrate their upstart team’s unlikely second-place finish. Not a single incident of violence was recorded.

WILL “THE TRUMP OF THE TROPICS” BECOME BRAZIL’S PRESIDENT?
Known as “The Trump of the Tropics,” 63-year-old former army captain Jair Bolsonaro has launched a serious campaign to become Brazil’s next president. Some say that like Trump, his unfiltered mouth and ability to say what everyone is screaming inside—but terrified to utter in public—may galvanize an anxious Brazilian electorate.

Among his more controversial comments:

This idea of oh poor little black person, oh poor little poor person, oh poor little woman, oh poor little indigenous person, everybody’s a poor little something I don’t try and please everybody.

No father would like to have a gay son….We Brazilians, don’t like homosexuals.

She called me a rapist first, and I answered off the bat. I said I wouldn’t rape her…because she didn’t deserve it…[she was] too ugly to be raped.

He has also said that his children would never date black people because his kids were “brought up in an educated environment”; that his only daughter amid five children was the result of “a moment of weakness”; that he used to beat men that he found kissing; that children should be beaten out of being gay; and that the plenteous descendants of Brazil’s slaves “are not even good for breeding anymore.”

Polls currently put Bolsonaro at around 20 percent, second only to former president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, who is polling at 30 percent but is barred from the ballot because he’s imprisoned on corruption charges. We don’t think Bolsonaro will be allowed to win, but it’d be funny if he did. Serious times call for funnier politicians.

“PAPA” JOHN TRIPS AND FALLS OVER THE “N” WORD
Although we have always suspected that John “Papa John” Schnatter of pizza infamy’s eyes are a little too twinkly not to have been egregiously enhanced by plastic surgery, that is really none of our business and we really shouldn’t have brought it up.

What matters is that Papa John’s head, along with its suspiciously twinkly eyes, is the latest to be lopped off by the social-justice hatchet. As far as we can gather because nearly all accounts are vague, Schnatter made the mistake of saying the word “nigger” while in a conference call with an ad agency.

(We will now apologize for saying that word. We realize that at the moment, its proper surrogate is “the ‘N’ word.” We also foresee a day, not too far from today, when it will be a hate crime even to say the phrase “the ‘N’ word,” which will at that point be replaced by “the word we’re not allowed to say.”)

Piecing accounts together, it appears that the ad agency had suggested that Papa John partner with lunatic rapper Kanye West for some new multicultural pizza ads. It appears that Schatter objected solely on the grounds that West used the word “nigger” in his songs, and Papa John didn’t want to promote that.

Then, according to Schnatter, he noted that there was a time when food-chain magnates openly used that horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE word:

Colonel Sanders called blacks “niggers.”

And that was that. With that, he lost a pizza empire estimated to be worth nearly $100 million. Advertisers left, right, and center began fleeing the company.

Mind you, Papa John didn’t use that word to describe blacks. He said that Colonel Sanders did. His unpardonable sin was to assume he had the right to say that word under any circumstances.

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