News

The Week That Perished

July 01, 2018

MEXICAN PRESIDENTIAL FRONTRUNNER ENCOURAGES AMERICAN INVASION
Mexican presidential frontrunner Andrés Manuel López Obrador—what the hell is it with these Spaniards and their ridiculously long names, don’t they think it’s a little supercilioso?—has announced that it’s a “human right” for the undersized, bean-nibbling masses whom he may soon rule to just ignore the idea that there’s a “border” between Mexico and the USA and they should just go up there and squeeze every last drop of leche y miel out of those evil palefaced gringo ghosts who have humliated his people for centuries with all their technology and organization skills and their tendency not to rip out people’s beating hearts or to decapitate them to appease their primitive, mentally challenged gods.

Obrador insists that Mexico will not become Trump’s “piñata.” We don’t think it will. See, when you club a piñata, candy pours out—not heroin and decapitated heads.

SWEDES RECONSIDER THE WELFARE STATE
When stupid, affluent, arrogant, sheltered, punchable neo-Marxists in the Anglosphere struggle to sift through communism’s ashes to find a single example of it ever working for a minute, they always point to the countries of Scandinavia, which have abundant natural resources and tiny populations that until very recently were almost entirely white.

But in the past five years, Sweden—population 10 million—has had 600,000 immigrants forcibly injected into the nation’s bloodstream, which is causing some Swedes to reconsider whether the welfare state was really such a swell idea in the first place. Suddenly there are new cultural phenomena such as female genital mutilation and riots and street gangs and more raping than a three-day Viking tailgate party in Valhalla.

Speaking of Vikings, the recent demographic pressures that have indigenous Swedes in a vise will determine how much Viking they still have in them.

MAN CLAIMS CELLMATE RAPED HIM; IT TURNS OUT HE’S A LYING BABY
We’ve often written about false rape charges by women for two reasons: 1) because it happens a lot; 2) because no one else writes about it.

But to our disgrace, we have almost entirely ignored the phenomenon of men falsely accusing other men of raping them. This is inexcusable for two reasons: 1) because it happens; 2) because it’s hilarious.

Twenty-three-year-old Evan Curtis Hudson of Davidson, TN, is being charged with filing a false report after he lodged a June 22 complaint whining that his cellmate had found him sexually desirable enough to take him by force. Although Hudson claims to have been raped, at press time we were unable to determine whether he also says he was pillaged.

But now police have determined that although he may have wished he’d been raped, Hudson wasn’t raped at all and will now have to spend his time behind bars wearing the invisible jacket of a snitch who isn’t even hot enough to rape.

WHITE HERO ATTEMPTS TO RESCUE DROWNING BLACK MAN AND ALSO DROWNS
In the most allegorical American news story since, oh, maybe the end of the Civil War, news out of the chewed-up Rust Belt city of Buffalo, NY, is that a white man has drowned to death in the course of attempting to rescue a black man who was drowning to death (and proceeded to drown to death despite the white man’s efforts).

According to an eyewitness who apparently couldn’t be bothered to help either man and thus is still alive, “It was only a couple of seconds before they both just sunk like rocks.”

Make of that what you will.


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Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast. This week’s episode includes an interview with the aforementioned North Carolina Republican candidate Russell Walker.

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