News

The Week That Perished

July 01, 2018

Jarrod Ramos

The Week’s Scariest, Wariest, and Hairiest Headlines

FACEBOOK STALKER SHOOTS UP MARYLAND NEWSROOM, TRUMP ACCUSED OF CAUSING IT
According to Maryland police, last Thursday 38-year-old Jarrod Warren Ramos entered the office of the Capital Gazette newspaper in Annapolis with a shotgun and blew away five people.

Ramos had a longstanding feud with the paper going back to 2011 when it published a story about him pleading guilty to criminally harassing a woman he’d attempted to befriend on Facebook. According to the woman, Ramos had contacted her out of the blue and told her she’d been the only person who was kind to him years ago in school. When she suggested he seek counseling, she says he launched a sustained campaign of vitriol against her that included “vulgar names” and demands that she kill herself. She obtained a restraining order against Ramos.

After the Capital Gazette reported on the case, Ramos began harassing staff members at the paper as well. On Twitter, Ramos said that although he’d like to see the paper stop publishing, “it would be nicer” if two of its reporters were to “cease breathing.” Over the years he had attempted suing the paper, to no avail.

On the day of the shooting, the avatar on Ramos’s Twitter page was a photo of former Capital Gazette reporter Eric Hartley. A banner image showed photos of the paper’s former owner as well as former editor Thomas Marquardt, who told a reporter after the attack that over the years, “I was seriously concerned he would threaten us with physical violence.”

Ramos’s Twitter page contained the following message:

Dear reader: I created this page to defend myself. Now I’m suing the shit out of half of AA County and making corpses of corrupt careers and corporate entities.

The page had been inactive until last Thursday moments before the shooting, when Ramos posted a message that said, “Fuck you, leave me alone.”

Ramos has been arrested and charged with five counts of first-degree murder.

“When you club a piñata, candy pours out—not heroin and decapitated heads.”

There has emerged not one pinkie toenail’s worth of evidence that the shooting had a political motive. All the evidence suggests that this was a guy who did not deal well with rejection—an FBI profiler describes Ramos as an “injustice collector.”

Regardless of the evidence, the establishment media placed the blame where they always do—“You caused this, Mr. President” belched Beltway correspondent Andrew Feinberg.

NORTH CAROLINA REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE: “GOD IS THE GREATEST RACIST EVER”
In an election year crammed with some of the furthest right candidates the far right has burped up since the days of George Lincoln Rockwell, the woolly hinterlands of North Carolina have produced possibly the most entertaining Christian Identity White Supremacist Anti-Semitic Neo-Confederate Former Chemical Engineer in political history.

In May, 75-year-old Russell Walker won nearly two-thirds of the vote in the GOP primary for North Carolina House District 48. Walker, a giant ruddy ginger lump of a man, speculates that his opponent lost the race the minute he admitted he was Catholic, because white Southerners don’t like papists and never have.

According to Newsweek, Walker claims that “GOD IS A WHITE SUPREMACIST, JEWS ARE SATANIC,” which is an admittedly unique campaign strategy. It quotes Walker:

What is wrong with being a white supremacist? God is a racist and a white supremacist…Someone or group has to be supreme and that group is the whites of the world.… There is no such thing as equality. Someone or something has to be superior and someone and something has to be inferior….the Jews are not Semitic they are satanic as they all descend from Satan…God made the races and he is the greatest racist ever.

It’s going to be really hard to fit all that on a T-shirt.

Walker is a self-admitted adherent of Dual Seedline Christian Identity. The Christian Identity movement preaches that white Euroepans are the descendants of the ancient Hebrew patriarchs. The Dual Seedline sect also preaches that Eve had sex with Satan and that Jews are biological descendants of the Devil.

Walker’s website—which has an absolutely adorable picture of him posing with his “little white ass,” features some intriguing policy planks in what he calls his “Populist Platform”:

• Make it illegal for employers to fire workers for comments they did not make in the workplace.
• End the War on Drugs, which Walker calls “a war on the poor”
• End compulsory vaccinations
• End compulsory water fluoridation
• Deport all illegal aliens
• Make English the official state language

Naturally, the North Carolina Republican Party has loudly disavowed Walker, which makes him even more exciting, because he won the primary and there’s not a thing the North Carolina Republican Party can do about it. They’re stuck with him.

On November 6, Walker faces off against fourteen-year Democratic incumbent Garland Pierce, a black minister. Although Walker concedes he doesn’t have a chance of winning, there’s a 95% chance this will be the year’s most hilarious political campaign.

IS A FLORIDA SERIAL KILLER TARGETING TRANNIES?
After hundreds of thousands of years of willful hatred and ignorance, roughly three years ago everyone in the world suddenly became enlightened to the fact that gender is nothing more than a social construct and that if a man claims he’s a woman, then by gum, he’s a woman, even if he’s rocking a beard that would make Grizzly Adams jealous.

Jacksonville is a scuzzy city in Florida, the nation’s scuzziest state. So far this year the city has seen the murders of three “transgender women,” which is a dog whistle that the press uses to denote “delusional men who have some sort of psychosexual problem that makes them think they’re women.”

And not only have all three murder victims been “trans women,” they are also all black, so we’re basically talking about six hate crimes here—at the very least.

On February 4, the body of Celine Walker was found in an Extended Stay America motel room in southern Jacksonville.

On June 1, the corpse of Antash’a English, whose parents apparently had no respect for the English language or they wouldn’t have plopped an apostrophe in their daughter’s name, was found with two bullet holes in the abdomen between two abandoned houses on the north side of town.

Then last Sunday, the cadaver of Cathalina Christina James was found at a Quality Inn and Suites near where Celine Walker was murdered.

Police have yet to allege that this may all be the handiwork of the same killer, but that hasn’t stop the stereotypically hysterical local trans activists from stomping and screaming and shrieking and ululating at the top of their tiny little glitter-speckled lungs that the police hate them and don’t want to protect them and might even be jerking off to the murders because transphobia makes people do really sick things.

Supposedly a “Trans Lives Matter” march of some sort is being arranged in Jacksonville. We’re sure that will stop the killer—not!

But if they’re really sincere about the value of trans lives, they may want to stop killing themselves.

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