The Week That Perished

July 02, 2017

Multiple Pages
The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Nefarious, Precarious, and Hilarious Headlines

Since every sane and patriotic American is a member of The Resistance, we all know that scientific research has proved that Vladimir Putin personally voted in last November’s US election over 243 quadrillion times, handing the presidency to a tiny-fingered orange demon who is not only stupid and evil, he’s the biggest jerkasaurus to ever live.

Not merely content to pull off the greatest miscarriage of justice and subversion of democracy in history, now the malevolent and planet-swallowing demonic force who calls himself Donald Trump has the audacity to demand that all 50 states turn over their voter registration records to investigate whether or not the president’s longstanding assertion that millions of illegal aliens voted in 2016’s election is true.

One study has estimated that as many as 5.7 million short, brown aliens cast votes in 2008’s presidential election, a claim that is disputed by several sources who just may have a vested interest in disputing such a claim. Assuming that nearly all illegal aliens would vote for the Democrats, a total of 2.9 million alien votes for Clinton in 2016 would be needed to invalidate Clinton’s oft-cited edge in the popular vote. This would hand Trump the popular vote in addition to the 306-232 edge in the Electoral College that made him president.

Across the nation, governors and secretaries of state are telling Trump to go sit on his fist. As chance would have it, many of these officials just so happen to be Democrats.

Governor Terry McAuliffe of Virginia—which swung for Clinton in 2016—says he has “no intention of honoring” the feds’ request and instead pretended as if he had the psychic powers to discern Trump’s sinister motives for making the request in the first place:

This is an outrageous violation of citizens’ privacy rights….At best this commission was set up as a pretext to validate Donald Trump’s alternative election facts, and at worst is a tool to commit large-scale voter suppression…[the] only irregularity in the 2016 presidential election centered around Russian tampering.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo—who we’ve always suspected smells like a pepperoni-and-cheese stromboli—tweeted thusly:

NY refuses to perpetuate the myth voter fraud played a role in our election. We will not comply with this request.

In California—which, if it had fallen into the ocean prior to last November’s election, would have given Trump the edge in the 2016 popular vote as well—Secretary of State Alex Padilla called the inquiry “a waste of taxpayer money.” It’s cute that he’s suddenly concerned with wasting taxes, seeing as how his ragingly Democratic state lawmakers have shoveled Cali into a debt hole deeper than $1 trillion. Padilla added:

California’s participation would only serve to legitimize the false and already debunked claims of massive voter fraud made by the President, the Vice President.

We have an idea—if it’s already been debunked, it should be very easy to debunk it again. Turn over your voting records and let the debunking begin.

While the flailing progressive hordes are trying to deflect attention away from the voter-fraud inquiry, their psychotic obsession of the past year—this whole “Russia stole the election” narrative—is slipping through their fingers like the sands of time.

“Turn over your voting records and let the debunking begin.”

At CNN—a self-reportedly objective news channel that a recent Harvard study concluded gave 93 percent negative coverage to Trump’s presidency—three staffers resigned last week for bungling some dumb and unsubstantiated non-story about how Trump ally Anthony Scaramucci was somehow linked to a Russian investment fund. CNN has formerly had to retract a story claiming that former FBI director James Comey would testify he told Trump he was under investigation for collusion with Russia. Further bolstering the president’s contention that CNN is “fake news,” last week James O’Keefe of Project Veritas unveiled a series of videos showing CNN staffers saying that the Russia narrative was “mostly bullshit” and a big “nothing burger.”

In his 2006 book Prisoner of X, former Hustler editor Allan MacDonnell claims he personally viewed a videotape of Jane Fonda sodomizing CNN founder Ted Turner with a strap-on dildo. We cannot verify this claim, but we will add that MacDonnell has not been sued for this allegation. We just want this disgusting mental image spread so far and wide that whenever someone thinks of CNN, they’ll think of a white male getting sodomized.

Jay-Z is a black American male famous for selling drugs, stabbing a record producer, and making rap records. His estimated net worth is $810 million.

He may soon find himself stripped of his fortune and shining shoes in subway stations due to the fact that he raises the Jewish Question on his new album. Lyrics on his song “The Story Of O.J.” are as poetic as Shelley or Byron:

Light nigga, dark nigga, faux nigga, real nigga
Rich nigga, poor nigga, house nigga, field nigga
Still nigga, still nigga

But it’s this couplet which may earn him the wrath of the God of Israel:

You wanna know what’s more important than throwin’ away money at a strip club? Credit
You ever wonder why Jewish people own all the property in America? This how they did it

We would like to take this opportunity to publicly disavow Jay-Z and debunk his preposterous and baldly anti-Semitic claim. Everyone knows that Jewish people only own 98% of the property in America.

There are planets in the solar system that are smaller than 25-year-old self-proclaimed lifetime lesbian Jemma Beale, a monstrously obese British woman who now finds herself facing charges of falsely accusing a series of men of raping her—as if they’d ever want to in a million lifetimes. Over three years she made rape allegations against fifteen men, claiming she’d never had sex with males before until they all suddenly decided she was so attractive, they just couldn’t keep their meat and two veggies in their trousers. As an English judge reviewed evidence that Beale was lying not only about the rapes, but about never having consensual sex with men, Beale stomped out of the courtroom Godzilla-like, rattling tea cups throughout the greater London area.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau—who is poised to become the lead singer of The Rolling Stones once Mick Jagger finally dies—told a TV interviewer on Friday that he’s “jealous” of Canadian immigrants because they showed their devotion to the nation by making the effort to come to Canada, rather than the lazy white donut-gobbling racist bastards in Manitoba. He even went so far as to imply that immigrants are more Canadian than Canadians are:

Anytime I meet people who got to make the deliberate choice, whose parents chose Canada, I’m jealous. Because I think being able to choose it, rather than being Canadian by default, is an amazing statement of attachment to Canada….I always sort of laugh when you see people who are – not many of them, but – intolerant or who think, ‘Go back to your own country.’…No! You chose this country. This is your country more than it is for others because we take it for granted.

Mr. Trump, please invade Canada now.

If you’re a smartphone-owning minority who’s too stupid to figure out how to dial 911, the Council of American-Islamic Relations has developed a new phone app that enables you to contact authorities and accuse someone of a hate crime. The app is called “Making Democracy Work for Everyone,” and a CAIR spokesman says it’s being released in the wake of a supposed tsunami of violent anti-Muslim hate crimes that have engulfed America since Donald Trump became president and stated in his inaugural address that every decent American Christian should personally kill a dozen Muslims. According to the spokes-jihadist:

Anybody can report. That’s one thing we’ve noticed — it’s not just Muslim-Americans who are experiencing more hate incidents, it’s all groups of minorities.

It is presumed that if Muslims ever become a majority in America, they will combat hate in a more traditionally Islamic manner—by decapitating people.


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