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The Week That Perished

July 02, 2017

ENGLISH LESBIAN THE SIZE OF WALES IS SUSPECTED OF MAKING FIFTEEN FALSE RAPE ACCUSATIONS
There are planets in the solar system that are smaller than 25-year-old self-proclaimed lifetime lesbian Jemma Beale, a monstrously obese British woman who now finds herself facing charges of falsely accusing a series of men of raping her—as if they’d ever want to in a million lifetimes. Over three years she made rape allegations against fifteen men, claiming she’d never had sex with males before until they all suddenly decided she was so attractive, they just couldn’t keep their meat and two veggies in their trousers. As an English judge reviewed evidence that Beale was lying not only about the rapes, but about never having consensual sex with men, Beale stomped out of the courtroom Godzilla-like, rattling tea cups throughout the greater London area.

TRUDEAU TO IMMIGRANTS: “THIS IS YOUR COUNTRY”
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau—who is poised to become the lead singer of The Rolling Stones once Mick Jagger finally dies—told a TV interviewer on Friday that he’s “jealous” of Canadian immigrants because they showed their devotion to the nation by making the effort to come to Canada, rather than the lazy white donut-gobbling racist bastards in Manitoba. He even went so far as to imply that immigrants are more Canadian than Canadians are:

Anytime I meet people who got to make the deliberate choice, whose parents chose Canada, I’m jealous. Because I think being able to choose it, rather than being Canadian by default, is an amazing statement of attachment to Canada….I always sort of laugh when you see people who are – not many of them, but – intolerant or who think, ‘Go back to your own country.’…No! You chose this country. This is your country more than it is for others because we take it for granted.

Mr. Trump, please invade Canada now.

HANDY NEW PHONE APP FOR NONWHITE HATE CRIME VICTIMS
If you’re a smartphone-owning minority who’s too stupid to figure out how to dial 911, the Council of American-Islamic Relations has developed a new phone app that enables you to contact authorities and accuse someone of a hate crime. The app is called “Making Democracy Work for Everyone,” and a CAIR spokesman says it’s being released in the wake of a supposed tsunami of violent anti-Muslim hate crimes that have engulfed America since Donald Trump became president and stated in his inaugural address that every decent American Christian should personally kill a dozen Muslims. According to the spokes-jihadist:

Anybody can report. That’s one thing we’ve noticed — it’s not just Muslim-Americans who are experiencing more hate incidents, it’s all groups of minorities.

It is presumed that if Muslims ever become a majority in America, they will combat hate in a more traditionally Islamic manner—by decapitating people.

 

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