News

The Week That Perished

January 07, 2018

Multiple Pages
The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Illicit, Complicit, and Explicit Headlines

PANCAKKKES OF HATRED
Eating pancakes for breakfast is an American tradition—just like slavery and lynch mobs.

That’s why it is with a sense of deep personal emotional pain that we report a black waitress at a Texas IHOP recently endured the ghastly site of uneaten pancakes that she says four evil white-male teens from a local high school had conspired to carve into the most heinous three-letter combination in the English language—namely, “KKK.”

The waitress, a gap-toothed and plump young African American filly named Tenasha Ballard, describes being fazed, flustered, and flabbergasted upon first espying the evil flapjacks:

At the moment I’m like I don’t believe this. I’m seeing this wrong. So I went to the tables at the front and said what do you see on this plate? What letters are these? And they said KKK. And I said, ‘I thought so.’…They just crushed my spirit. I didn’t know what to do after that.

After her momentary bewilderment, Ballard took matters into her mahogany-colored mitts. She snapped a photo of the Hate Cakes and promptly posted them on social media, to the shock and dismay of black Americans and the good white people who fetishize them from a safe distance in different zip codes.

The local school superintendent decried the incident and explained that America is not a country where it is appropriate for people to take basic pancakes and twist them into what is essentially a racial death threat.

“Eating pancakes for breakfast is an American tradition—just like slavery and lynch mobs.”

We wish Tenasha the very best in her new career as a professional hate-crime victim and hope with every last gummy fiber of our souls that this incident doesn’t turn out to be another hoax like the lesbian waitress in New Jersey or the black waitress in Tennessee who faked hate crimes against themselves.

BANGKOK GOES FULL WHITEKOK
Men in Thailand are forced to endure the shame, humiliation, and disempowerment that go hand-in-hand with having a reputed average penis size of a measly and frankly hilarious four inches. Not only that, but if you’d ever watched Asian porn, you’d realize that their penises are not yellow like the rest of their little bodies—rather, they are a hideous shade of purplish-brown, not unlike a tiny ripe eggplant.

To rectify this unfortunate situation, Thai men have been attending a Bangkok hospital to have their penises whitened. A representative for the Lelux Hospital claims that they began offering the treatment about six months ago after a male client bemoaned the “dark parts” of his crotch. At the moment, allegedly 100 Thai men request penis whitening at the hospital every month. To perform the procedure, surgeons reportedly “use a very small laser.”

BOY CHARACTER WEARS GIRL’S CLOTHING ON REVAMPED ROSEANNE
After starring in the mega-successful sitcom Roseanne from 1988 to 1998, Roseanne Barr hasn’t done much beyond dressing as Hitler to bake cookies.

Now that the show has been reborn, Roseanne’s dykey daughter Darlene (Sara Gilbert) has undermined rampant suspicions about her sexuality by popping out a nine-year-old son who dresses as a girl but isn’t gay or transgender—he’s just a little boy who likes to wear girls’ clothes, because according to Gilbert, that now “represents the world” rather than an absurdly tiny minority of gender-confused prepubescents. Entertainment Weekly lauds this new development in the working-class Conner family as “enlightened” instead of “mental.”

RAP OVERTAKES ROCK AS KING OF MUSIC INDUSTRY
After a long stretch as the dominant force in American pop that extended several decades after it ceased innovating, rock ‘n’ roll is no longer the biggest-selling genre in the music industry. Instead, the category of Urban Mating Songs known as “R&B/hip-hop” has finally supplanted rock music “in terms of total consumption,” according to an end-of-year report by Nielsen Music.

Only two of 2017’s ten most listened-to artists did not come from the R&B/hip-hop dog pound. Of the 19 songs that had more than 500 million streams in 2017, only two were not R&B/hip-hop. And of the five Grammy nominations for Album of the Year, only one lonely LP didn’t have that slick, ooga-booga, crotch-grabbing beat.

Our main fear about this is that it will bring a wave of painful, pus-oozing, and incurable herpes from the ghetto into the suburbs of America’s heartland.

TARIQ NASHEED SUGGESTS BLACK “CRIMINALS” ARE ACTUALLY WHITE GUYS IN MASKS
Tariq Nasheed used to be a rapper who called himself “K-Flex” and recorded the hip-hop classic “Wash You Ass.” He also postured himself as a dating expert, writing books with titles such as The Art of Mackin’ and The Art of Gold Digging.

Of late, he has rebranded himself as an anti-racist activist, which naturally means that he is far more race-obsessed than even Adolf Hitler, who at least took some time out every once in a while to play with his dog. It appears that someone who is far smarter and literate than he is counseled him to call nearly every white person he argues with online a “suspected” white supremacist, which makes it far more difficult to sue him for libel. But as far as being a moron is concerned, we don’t even need to use the term “suspected” with Tariq Nasheed—all the evidence confirms it.

On Twitter, he recently posted a picture of a white man wearing a black mask and suggested that absurdly disproportionate black crime rates were the result of white men hiding their true colors:

There are several companies that make realistic looking “Black men” masks, and white supremacists are using these masks to commit crimes, like bank robberies, etc. I wonder what other crimes they could be committing using these masks?

We wonder whether he knows about Solomon Zemichael Teklie, a black man who in 2015 was arrested for 2014 crime spree performed while he was wearing a white-man mask.

CALIFORNIA PROSECUTES MAN FOR ISLAMOPHOBIA
In 2016, a California man named Mark Feigin—who describes himself as Jewish and Catholic—left a series of hostile messages on the Islamic Center of Southern California’s Facebook page that included the following tasty nuggets:

THE MORE MUSLIMS WE ALLOW INTO AMERICA THE MORE TERROR WE WILL SEE.

PRACTICING ISLAM CAN SLOW OR EVEN REVERSE THE PROCESS OF HUMAN EVOLUTION.

Islam is dangerous — fact: the more muslim savages we allow into america — the more terror we will see — this is a fact which is undeniable.

Filthy muslim shit has no place in western civilization.

The California Attorney General’s Office decided that Feigin has no place walking around free in their state. They are claiming that his comments are not protected speech and instead constitute misdemeanor harassment:

Protected speech? Political speech? Defendant’s posts on the ICSC Facebook page are neither of those things….The mere content and nature of the posts establish that they are not made in ‘good faith’ as Defendant would suggest but are meant to annoy and harass….Defendant is not seeking uriderstanding [sic] or guidance, instead he is posting in order to annoy and harass those who have beliefs with which he vehemently abhors.

Feigin’s criminal trial for harassment began last Tuesday. According to his lawyer, the state offered Feigin a “bizarre” plea-bargain deal that would have required Feigin to “renounce the KKK and the alt-right,” two groups with which he was never associated.

BLIND MAN PERFORMS HATE CRIME HOAX  ON HIMSELF
Shaf Patel is a blind Indian Muslim and aspiring hacker—which is the nerd’s version of “aspiring rapper.” Perhaps he can be cut a tiny bit of slack because he’s blind, but last week he forgot to switch accounts and used his own Twitter account to post the following xenophobic message to himself:

GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY WHERE YOU FUCKING BELONG YOU ANTIAMERICAN LIBTARD ILLEGAL

Perhaps it’s time for him to go to India after all. Can we all chip in and buy him a seeing-eye dolphin to help him find his way back?

HUFFPO WRITER: “KILL ALL MEN”
The predictably portly Emily McCombs is a writer for women’s sites who has a history of saying nasty things about men in order to shunt attention away from her rancid personality and physical undesirability. Last November she tweeted that she filed her nails “into sharp little points last night so that I may spear and devour the hearts of men.” Earlier in the year she expressed her desire to have a “day without men.” And Last week she posted the following New Year’s resolutions:

1. Cultivate female friendships
2. Kill all men

Although the fact that she retains her writing gigs is a minor tragedy, it can’t compare to the fact that she has a kindergarten-age son whose mind she is apparently in the process of wrecking with her flabby and unhinged man-loathing. Back in August she publicly worried in a Huffington Post essay about whether her innocent little boy would grow up to be yet another woman-terrorizing monster:

[I have] sweat-soaked, sit-straight-up-in-bed feminist nightmares…[because I] can imagine a future in which my own spawn makes some woman feel as voiceless as the boys in my high school once did, a world in which he blithely argues against the existence of male privilege and shit-talks the latest all-female remake on Twitter.

Way to put your ideology before your flesh and blood, lady. For all your deluded and self-serving ravings about “misogyny,” it’s coldhearted grrrls such as you that are its root cause.

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