News

The Week That Perished

January 28, 2018

Rob Reiner

The Week’s Most Clickable, Kickable, and Despicable Headlines

MEATHEAD CALLS FOR SECOND CIVIL WAR
Rob Reiner is a rotund and fundamentally charmless man who’d likely be a Certified Public Accountant if his father hadn’t been famous. He first gained fame as the defiant son-in-law of Archie Bunker on All in the Family, relentlessly acting as if he were morally superior to Archie while largely living on Archie’s dime.

Rumors have long circulated that Reiner is a pedophile, but those are unconfirmed and better left for a full-length examination in a feature article. (Leads and tips are greatly appreciated!)

During the recent government shutdown, Reiner chose not to blame it on the Democrats’ refusal to honor existing immigration laws, but rather on “RACISM,” which is a word that people such as Reiner use to describe anyone who desires an ethnic homeland in the style of, you know, Israel:

Make no mistake, this shutdown boils down to one thing: RACISM. GOP frightened to death of the browning of America. They will lose this last big battle of the Civil War. Diversity is our strength.

Diversity? You mean that word that is similar to “division,” that is rooted in a Latin word meaning “disagreement,” and always had a negative connotation until the early 1990s?

And hey, if Rob really thought that diversity is such a strength, why does he live in a city that is 91.5% white and only about 7% brown? If he’s so staunchly against borders, why does he live in a tightly gated community where the average home price is $13 million?

Because he’s a painfully hypocritical meathead, that’s why. Time will vindicate Archie Bunker. And make no mistake: In a real Civil War, this tubby knish wouldn’t last five minutes.

“In a real Civil War, this tubby knish wouldn’t last five minutes.”

DISGRUNTLED ONLINE NINCOMPOOPS CLAIM THE SPANISH WORD FOR “BLACK” IS RACIST
A Mexican woman named Becky recently lost her black dog, whose name is Negro. In the event you are severely uneducated and/or learning impaired and weren’t aware, “Negro” is the Spanish word for “black.” It’s an innocent word unless you think that there’s something wrong with being black, and again, that’s a topic for an entirely different article. In an improbable twist of fate, Becky’s dog is black. When loyal nine-year-old Negro went missing, Becky pleaded for help on Twitter:

negro is missing…please if anyone sees him message me!!!

Rather than being showered with an outpouring of sympathy and help, Becky was largely rebuffed and reprimanded by hostile Tweeters whose hue, if their avatars are any indication, would accurately be described by the Spanish word “negro.” She was called a racist, was grilled as to why she’d have the audacity to call her black dog a Negro, and told that she deserved neither sympathy nor to ever find her dog again.

It is an odd world indeed where Negroes refuse to rescue a Negro.

UGANDAN PRESIDENT NOT UPSET BY TRUMP’S ALLEGED “SHITHOLE” REMARK
Whether or not Donald Trump actually referred to Haiti and African countries as “shitholes” isn’t important; what’s true is that the comment was not only accurate, it was hilarious.

Standing boldly alone among sub-Saharan tin-pot rulers is Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni, who has reigned over that dysfunctional bucket of dysentery since 1986. Last week he described his own nation as a “pre-industrial society” and had surprisingly warm words for Trump:

I love Trump because he speaks to Africans frankly. I don’t know if he was misquoted or whatever. He talks about Africans’ weaknesses frankly….Africans need to solve their problems. You can’t survive if you are weak. It is the Africans’ fault that they are weak.

Museveni represents a small beam of self-awareness shining across the Dark Continent.

PHOTO OF OBAMA AND FARRAKHAN, SUPPRESSED SINCE 2005, FINALLY RELEASED
The Right Reverend Honorable Mystical Innumerate Louis Farrakhan helms the Nation of Islam, a wacky black-supremacist cult founded by a man who did not appear to be black. Among other things (such as wearing bow ties and selling bean pies), the Nation of Islam teaches that whites were created by an evil scientist named Yakub and that there’s a gigantic black-operated spaceship named the Mother Plane hovering over Earth that will one day rain down violent retribution upon the Sons of Yakub.

To our knowledge, America’s mainstream press has never excoriated Farrakhan for claiming that white people are devils and will one day face a much-deserved extermination. No, but they have a huge problem with the fact that the Nation of Islam published a book about the Jewish role in the African slave trade.

Although in his own autobiography, Barack Obama admitted to being an avid reader of the Nation of Islam’s Final Call newspaper, this did not seem to impede his eventual path to two presidential terms.

But now comes news that photojournalist Askia Muhammad—sounds like a nice Jewish boy—snapped a picture of Obama and Farrakhan smiling and acting super-chummy in 2005. He also says that even before he left the scene where he took the photo, a member of the Black Congressional Caucus phoned him and persuaded him to hand over the photo to a Nation of Islam representative. However, Muhammad kept a copy of the photo hidden from the Nation of Islam representative and says now that if he’d released it back in 2005, it “absolutely would have made a difference” in Obama’s electoral prospects. He is reprinting it in an upcoming book.

So let’s review: Obama’s mentor and fundraiser Tony Rezko was also the Nation of Islam’s business manager. Obama read Farrakhan’s newspaper regularly, posed for a photo with him that borders on the bromantic, and yet the press refuses to condemn him. Donald Trump said he didn’t know David Duke and openly disavowed him, yet the press has nailed Trump and Duke together on the same cross.

Yet the country’s self-described “journalists” still wonder why people don’t trust them.

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