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The Week That Perished

December 24, 2017

Multiple Pages
The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Boorish, Whorish, and Moorish Headlines


NOT-SO-YOUNG TURDS
If farts had a face, they would look like Cenk Uygur.

The aging Turk’s name is pronounced “Chenk Yoogur,” but if you’re the type whose memory is aided by mnemonic devices, think of him as “Chunky Booger.”

Apart from being fat and oily, Cenk is the bulldozing blowhard who hosts the aggro-left video channel The Young Turks, which has over three million subscribers and about four billion total views. Cenk is so proud of his ethnic identity as a Turk, he named his show after the perpetrators of the Armenian Genocide.

But if you’re white and don’t have a problem with your ethnic identity, the roving, belching buffalo known as Cenk Uygur has a problem with you.

A delightful recent trend involves watching progressive standard-bearers publicly shamed and often destroyed by more fanatical aspiring progressive standard-bearers who hold their targets’ feet to the fire regarding decades-old writings from back when they were straining with all their souls to be woman-slaying alpha edgelords. Former expat frat-bros Mark Ames and Matt Taibbi have recently been fed through the woodchipper over passages from a 2000 book that explicitly claimed to be nonfictional but that they are now insisting was pure fantasy.

Now the same is happening to the walking bag of flatulence that is Cenk Uygur. And he’s blaming it all on the fact that he was a Republican back then but in the interim has successfully transitioned away from being evil.

Now 47 and as chubby as a warthog, Uygur was a 29-year-old Republican when he lamented that he wasn’t getting laid enough in Miami:

The only problem is that after seeing these girls every day and not being able to have sex with them, after awhile, you begin to lose your mind.it seems like there is a sea of tits here, and I am drinking in tiny droplets.  I want to dive into the whole god damn ocean….Obviously, the genes of women are flawed.  They are poorly designed creatures who do not want to have sex nearly as often as needed for the human race to get along peaceably and fruitfully.

Obviously, he never considered that perhaps it’s people who look like farts whose genes are flawed and that women are endowed with a natural repulsion toward men who resemble malodorous digestive functions.

“If farts had a face, they would look like Cenk Uygur.”

In a blog post that was archived in 2003 but may have been written earlier, Uygur boasts of groping “countless breasts” while hammered on Jack Daniels and of pressing his slimy eel lips on at least 23 women at the Mardi Gras:

I had one of the best nights of my life at Mardi Gras. I kissed over 23 different women, saw and felt countless breasts, and was in a wonderful drunken stupor thanks to my friend John Daniels.

In a 2004 post from the now-defunct YoungTurk.com, David Koller­—cofounder of The Young Turks and now the company’s senior vice president of operations—writes about stopping for gas with Cenk in a “small Pennsylvania town:

Turns out they were three teenage girls, whores in training…these three little spoiled brat bitch young American girls on their way to becoming abused porn actresses or dispensable property in a New York City prostitution ring….They were around 14-16 and in a few more years will be pretty damn good looking, but not great.…I asked (I think before Cenk came) if these girls had ever had sex.

Like so many male-feminist creepy-crawly Bernie Bros before him, Cenk is now backpedaling somethin’ fierce. He claims that the road trip with Koller happened but that no underage girls were harassed. He insists that Koller’s piece was “over-the-top satire” and that his own comments were made back when he was an entirely “different guy”:

The stuff I wrote back then was really insensitive and ignorant. If you read that today, what I wrote 18 years ago, and you’re offended by it, you’re 100 percent right. And anyone who is subjected to that material, I apologize to. And I deeply regret having written that stuff when I was a different guy….I had not yet matured and I was still a conservative who thought that stuff was politically incorrect and edgy. When you read it now, it looks really, honestly, ugly. And it’s very uncomfortable to read.

As far as what “looks really, honestly, ugly,” we’ve already established that it is Cenk Uygur’s super-ugg mug. But what looks beautiful is the sight of rival progressives who are trying to out-prog him by clubbing him over the head with things he wrote when the culture was far less matriarchal. They’re trying to eat him alive, and there’s plenty to eat.

WHITE GUYS AND THEIR DARNED WHITENESS
What the heck is the deal with guy guys being, you know, all evil and everything?

Jim Corbett (right, pictured with co-author Tim Jones) is a painfully passive-looking white guy who has released a coloring book called “I Am So Sick of White Guys.” Corbett grew up in 90%-white Yorktown, NY but now lives in Seattle, which is 70% white and thus far more bursting at the seams with vibrancy and herpes. Corbett says he will donate 10% of the book’s profits to the Southern Poverty Law Center, which has made a lucrative career out of being sick of white guys.

Upset at grossly disproportionate white ownership of Hollywood, actor Christian Bale yearns and strains and craves for “the day that we stop saying, ‘Hey, it’s all white dudes who are running things.’” We suggest that, as a white man in Hollywood, it is incumbent upon Bale to expedite the process and retire immediately.

White people are sick,” shrieks the headline for a potty-mouthed article at the Portland State University Vanguard, published in a city that is 76% white and hates itself for it.

Two white alleged academics at the University of Northern Iowa claim—which is in a town that is 93% white—in a recent paper that urging “civility” in classrooms is merely a pretense for the more sinister motive of creating “a good white identity” and enforcing “white racial power.”

As always, they’re aiming 180 degrees in the wrong direction. There is definitely something wrong with white people these days, but these types of suicidal enthomasochists aren’t fighting the problem; they embody it.

In other news, a 24-year-old black gang member in Cleveland allegedly walked up to a 51-year-old white woman, knocked her to the ground with one punch, and based on zero evidence accused the woman and her son of being white supremacists and Klan members, at which point a crowd of gathering blacks allegedly began threatening the mother and son, who fled in horror. Jermaine Hines, Jr. has been arrested and is being charged with ethnic intimidation.

Oh, and the EU Commissioner for Migration has vowed to leave no part of Europe “homogeneous and migration-free.”

TWENTY THOUSAND “DEATHS OF DESPAIR” IN CALIFORNIA
A recent study from The California Endowment called WHY ARE DEATH RATES RISING AMONG WHITES IN CALIFORNIA? claims that between 1995 and 2014, a staggering 21,350 young and middle-aged whites in the Golden State lost their lives in what are known as “deaths of despair.”

According to a spokeswoman for The California Endowment, “The sad part of this report is these deaths are all preventable. These are not deaths from cancer—these are deaths from drug abuse, suicide.”

Due in part to the opioid crisis, life expectancy among American men has fallen for the second year in a row. On average, American women live five years more than men do—and as the joke goes, men die younger because they want to. White men have a lower life expectancy than black women, which is astonishing when one considers how oppressed the latter are.

CNN: KIDS GRAVITATE TOWARD “FASCIST” CARTOONS
The Goofiest Goddamned Article of the Week award goes to Elissa Strauss at CNN, who attempts to explain: Why kids love ‘fascist’ cartoons like ‘Paw Patrol’ and ‘Thomas.’

Without one dandelion petal’s worth of evidence, Strauss claims that parents “want our children to inhabit a world in which identities are both mutable and equal, and imagination and empathy reign supreme!”

However, much to her displeasure, this noble task of brainwashing her children has been supplanted by the super-seductive lure of hidden “fascist” messages in Thomas the Tank Engine—which critics have condemned as one disgusting ode to corporate-totalitarian imperialist classism and sexism just because Thomas tries to do his job and not be a jackass.

Strauss—who sounds like a BALL to be around—also takes Paw Patrol to task because its protagonist, Ryder, takes his pack of dogs on rescue missions that are so heroic, they suggest he is a megalomaniac and possibly even a narcissist.

As Sylvia Plath famously said, every child adores a fascist cartoon.

D.I.Y. CIRCUMCISION KIT ABRUPTLY PULLED FROM AMAZON
Have you always wanted to save money by performing a home circumcision in the manner of the ill-fated “Home Breast-Implant Kit” craze of the early 2000s?

Well, it appears that your chance has come and gone. “Amazon pulls DIY circumcision ‘training’ kit,” reads the headline in England’s Metro, and we wish they could have used a more appropriate and less suggestive term than “pulls”—perhaps “tugs” or “jerks” would have been less problematic? According to the article:

The kit includes a model of a young boy’s genitals, with a dark or light-skinned dummy available, to perform a mock circumcision with a selection of scalpels.

But after representatives for England’s National Secular Society wrote a letter to the manufacturer warning that the kit could lead to potentially deadly home-brewed circumcisions, Amazon vigorously yanked the product from their site.


Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.

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