News

The Week That Perished

August 05, 2018

President Donald Trump

The Week’s Dumbest, Numbest, and Glummest Headlines

TRUMP KEEPS CALLING PEOPLE DUMB
It has been firmly established beyond the mildest whisper of a doubt that Donald Trump is the dumbest man who ever lived, despite the fact that he overcame his tremendous intellectual handicaps to defeat both political parties and the entire mainstream media.

Scientists and anthropologists have also firmly established that there are absolutely no genetic differences between the so-called “races” besides the fact that only white people have a genetic defect that makes them evil.

Since we, like most people who belch their opinions online, are able to read the sinister motives behind what people say, we realize that anyone who calls any black person “dumb” cannot possibly be making an honest observation. Statistically significant intellectual gaps between blacks and other groups appear in every intelligence test ever devised due to the simple fact that institutional racism has lowered black self-esteem to the point where they don’t even realize that the mercury and lead in their drinking water forces them to give their children dumb names such as “Lebron.”

Gloria James is the mom of NBA superstar Lebron James. She spawned the bearded giant when she was only 16 and was rumored to have “struggled” with crack addiction while raising him and the poor impressionable youth was being shunted from one living space to the next like a choco-coated ping-pong ball.

Last September Lebron referred to our multi-billionaire president as a “bum” and no one in the major media blinked an eyelash. Yet on Friday night, Trump referred to both Lebron and CNN’s Don Lemon as stupid in one glorious tweet:

Lebron James was just interviewed by the dumbest man on television, Don Lemon. He made Lebron look smart, which isn’t easy to do.

How could someone with a name as dumb as ‘Lebron’ possibly be dumb?

“How could someone with a name as dumb as ‘Lebron’ possibly be dumb?”

Never mind the fact that if one were bound to logic like a slave is bound to chains, calling a billionaire president a “bum” is far less accurate than implying that someone who likely couldn’t identify a subject and predicate is stupid. The world as we currently know it is ruled by dimwittedly girlish phantasms of right and wrong, not quantifiable notions of true and false. Perhaps it was always this way, but it seems just a touch flagrant these days.

To his immense credit, our president does not see black skin as automatic sunblock against accusations of stupidity. He continues to aggressively hammer the unabashedly dense Maxine Waters for her glaring cognitive deficiencies.

Last week alone, Trump referred to Waters as “very low I.Q.” He estimated the perennial California congresswoman’s intelligence quotient to be “somewhere in the mid-60s.”

We elected this man to call dumb people dumb, and despite what his detractors insist, this is not the same thing as calling a spade a spade.

I.C.E. AGENTS CAST AS NAZIS IN ANNE FRANK DRAMA
Is it possible to die from hyperbole? If so, expect members of the modern left to start dropping like flies any day now.

It may not have occurred to you, but if you persist in comparing everything to the Holocaust, people may start to think you require sedation.

Despite what you may think of Anne Frank or whether her diary was a forgery or not, it’s indisputable that she shares a birthday with Taki writer Jim Goad, which by itself is proof that astrology is nonsense.

Director Stan Zimmerman has brought playwright Wendy Kesselman’s adaptation of The Diary of Anne Frank to a theater in Los Angeles through September. This time around, the twist is that a well-meaning Jewish woman is offering refuge to a “Latinx” family who are being hounded by ICE agents rather than Gestapo officers.

In case you were unaware, “Latinx”—pronounced “La-teen-X”—is a term designed to blunt the fact that Latinos are made in boy and girl models.

The revamped drama’s message is as chilling as it is clear—living in Mexico is as bad as living in Auschwitz.

What do Zimmerman, Kesselman, and Anne Frank all have in common? Why, it’s a love of theater, you racist!

As further evidence that the Nazis have really bad PR agents these days, online retailing behemoth Amazon has announced that it has removed “white supremacist-glorifying merchandise…such as a baby onesie featuring a burning cross, and a children’s backpack emblazoned with ‘Neo-Nazi Pepe the Frog’ artwork.

This will, of course, drive white supremacist mothers to the black market in order to procure racist bibs and milk bottles for their children, driving down wages and lowering tax revenue and making the Cloward-Piven strategy a reality, which was obviously the plan all along.

RENAMING AUSTIN, TEXAS TO SOMETHING LESS HURTFUL
A racist white man named Stephen F. Austin helped found the State of Texas by helping move about 300 white families onto that massive chunk of sunbaked dust. The state capital of Texas—which basically exists to help tattooed hipster musicians apply for Obamacare before their livers give out—bears Austin’s surname.

Being a racist white man, Austin said that if black slaves were to be freed, they would become “vagabonds, a nuisance and a menace.” Whether or not his prediction came true is irrelevant—the point is that what he said was racist and never should have been said it.

As part of the ongoing Confederate Purge that is an Exodus 34:13-style desecration of anything positive about Euro-American history, the city of Austin recently changed the names of Robert E. Lee Road and Jeff Davis Avenue into more palatable variants. In a report issued by Austin’s Equity Office this week, it was proposed that Austin rid itself of the name “Austin” entirely.

But whatever will it call itself now? Names being bandied about include Coward, TX; Yellowbelly, TX; and our personal fave, Surrender, TX.

NATIVE AMERICAN ACTIVIST CHARGED WITH RAPING AND FILMING UNCONSCIOUS VICTIMS
It is our firm opinion that if you name your child “Redwolf,” he will probably become a rapist.

Redwolf Pope is a sullen, overweight Native American activist who is so oppressed by Paleface Supremacy that he is able to maintain separate residences in Washington State and New Mexico. He appeared on The O’Reilly Factor mewling like a bitter alley cat about how Thanksgiving hurts Injuns’ feelings. He now stands accused of “raping unconscious women and recording the assaults on video.” He denies the accusations, but we suspect red man speak with forked tongue.

Raping and filming unconscious women appears to be a thing in New Mexico. So does heroin and alcoholism and unemployment and violent crime. Then again, if you can overlook the Native Americans who are accused of raping and filming unconscious women, the Land of Enchantment sure is pretty.

78-YEAR-OLD WOMAN CHARGED WITH HATE CRIME FOR SAYING “YOU PEOPLE”
Aydene T. Militello is a 78-year-old Illinois woman with some of the worst penciled-in eyebrows we’ve ever seen. The borderline octogenarian is due in court on Wednesday to face a hate-crime charge for allegedly telling a black woman during a road-rage argument that “You and your people need to take responsibility for your own actions.”

Using this “reasoning,” every “Dear White People” letter ever written is a hate crime.

An alleged reporter notes that “Militello has been very outspoken in public Facebook posts, including a June 23 post in which she makes an offensive statement about the gay community.” We call this person an “alleged” reporter because a true reporter would realize that “offensive” is an unquantifiable and therefore entirely non-journalistic term.

You know, we’re really starting to hate you people. And the fact that you’ll never understand why is probably the main reason we’re learning to hate you.

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