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The Week That Perished

August 27, 2017

Multiple Pages
The Week That Perished

The Week’s Dippiest, Drippiest, and Yippiest Headlines

ANTIFA V. BLACKS
Antifa (pronounced “an-TEE-fa”) is a group of psychopathically self-righteous masked pussies who live with their parents and refer to all non-members as “fascists,” whereupon they proceed to club the accused Nazis’ skulls with nail-studded baseball bats to atone for perceived historical sins. They are at least partially financed by George Soros’s Open Society Institute yet remain blissfully unaware that they are the cowardly pawns of global power rather than its brave opponents.

Because intersectional pissing matches between the patchwork of deranged identity groups that form the modern left is one of the only forms of comedy remaining in this increasingly dramatic and even tragic world, we glean tremendous mirth from the fact that Antifa’s almost entirely white ranks are turning against black people who don’t submit to their every psychotic whim.

On August 19 in Dallas, throngs of historically illiterate cretins gathered together to work out their lifelong resentment against their parents by hootin’ and howlin’ in the streets about how all monuments to the Confederacy need to be SMASHED and CRUSHED.

In an amusing incident that recalls the severe dressing-down a black guy gave to a white Antifa geek in Auburn, AL earlier this year, an alleged Crip wearing a giant cowboy hat squared off with a fat white masked Antifa member, telling the group of neo-commie white-savior misfits to get the hell out of his town. In response, the masked chubster sucker-punched the black guy in the face. For some unknown reason, the American mainstream media was silent about this horrifying hate crime that was captured on video.

“In order to fight ‘Nazis,’ apparently you have to punch a few black people.”

The next night, a young black Trump supporter named R. C. Maxwell was sucker-punched by an overweight, unmasked antifascist loser during an anti-illegal-immigration rally in Laguna Beach, CA. The alleged assailant, 20-year-old Richard Losey of Ohio, was arrested last Tuesday on suspicion of misdemeanor battery.

R. C. Maxwell wrote the following in a blog post:

I showed up in Orange County and got punched in the face by ANTIFA. My name is RC Maxwell and I am a victim of leftist violence. The media won’t show me because it will detract from their narrative….I knew that leftist groups were inspired to ramp up their violent attacks against Trump supporters after the mess that was Unite The Right in Charlottesville. What I didn’t expect was that I would become Antifa’s target so quickly….I took a punch for Trump in Laguna Beach. Not because I had to, but because I wanted to expose to the nation how violent leftist agitators are.

In order to fight “Nazis,” apparently you have to punch a few black people.

GOOD NIGHT, LEFT NUT
The funniest Benny Hill-styled slapstick of the week came last Tuesday night in Phoenix when riot police fired a tear-gas canister square into a gas-mask-wearing chubby Antifa protestor’s groin, sending him to the ground in pain. People online originally thought that 29-year-old Joshua Stuart Corbin, a worker for web giant GoDaddy, had been hit with a pepper ball, leading to several memes referring to Corbin as “Pepper Balls” and a parody of an Antifa slogan titled “GOOD NIGHT LEFT NUT.”

From a hospital bed with his face covered, Corbin made a video addressing his “brothers and sisters” in Antifa about how he was fighting “Nazis,” who in this case were supposedly the Phoenix police. His tone was much less defiant when he told a reporter, “I was out there just mindin’ my own business” and that he had a right to peaceably assemble and protest the Nazis he’s always hallucinating in his fever dreams.

However, Phoenix police arrested him and charged him with three felony counts of assault against a police officer and one misdemeanor count of unlawful assembly. A police report claims that surveillance footage shows Corbin threw two gas canisters at police and kicked another two canisters toward them.

Good luck in court, Pepper Balls!

MAN STABBED FOR “NEO-NAZI HAIRCUT”
In case you needed more evidence that the country has gone completely Nazi Crazy, a Colorado man was stabbed by a man who thought he had a Nazi haircut. According to Joshua Witt, he was getting out of his car in a Steak ’n Shake parking lot when a man ran up to him, said, “Are you one of them neo-Nazis?,” and began swinging a knife at him. Witt deflected the knife with his hand, suffering a slash wound that required stitches. “Apparently, my haircut is considered a neo-Nazi statement,” Witt told the New York Post. Witt says he is not a Nazi and is considering a new hairdo.

ASIAN BROADCASTER NAMED ROBERT LEE DROPPED FROM ANNOUNCING U. OF VIRGINIA FOOTBALL GAME
Because everyone of sound mind and body knows that it was an inanimate statue of a dead Confederate general that caused the bloodshed in Charlottesville, VA, earlier this month, sports network ESPN decided to pull announcer Robert Lee from a September 2 football game between the University of Virginia and William & Mary. According to an ESPN statement:

We collectively made the decision with Robert to switch games as the tragic events in Charlottesville were unfolding, simply because of the coincidence of his name….In that moment it felt right to all parties. It’s a shame that this is even a topic of conversation and we regret that who calls play-by-play for a football game has become an issue.

As it turns out, Robert Lee is Asian. Therefore, his name is pronounced “Lobbert Ree,” so what’s with all the fuss?

MAKE WAY FOR TRANSGENDER TOBOGGANISTS
The International Olympic Committee has announced that transgender athletes will be able to compete in the 2018 Winter Olympics, meaning that South Korea’s Olympic ski slopes and skating rinks will be glutted with dudes who think they’re chicks stealing gold and silver medals from chicks who identify with “the gender they were assigned at birth,” which is a very clunky way of saying, “their gender.” We wait with bated breath to see who will win the Male-to-Female Luge Contest and the Cross-Country Skiing For Cross-Dressers Competition.

MUSLIM MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT TELLS ROTHERHAM ABUSE VICTIMS TO “SHUT UP”
England’s Rotherham child sexual exploitation scandal is one of the most egregious examples of the Global Leftist Ministry of Truth’s tendency to allow for any atrocity, no matter how ghastly, so long as the perpetrators are from a designated victim group and the victims are from a designated perpetrator group. From 1997-2013, an estimated 1,400 indigenous British girls aged 11-15 were raped and tortured and brutalized and terrorized by Muslims of Pakistani origin. Police ignored countless complaints for fear of being called “racist,” which is apparently worse now than actually being a rapist.

Now comes news that a female Labour MP named Naz Shah—ethnically a Pakistani, nominally an Englishwoman—approved of a comment on Twitter that “abused girls in Rotherham” should “shut their mouths for the good of diversity.” After a backlash, a spokesman for Shah said the Tweet was a “genuine mistake. 

Was it as genuine a mistake as importing countless Pakistanis to Britain in the first place?

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