Kremlin, Moscow

Source: Wikimedia Commons

The Week’s Most Historic, Euphoric, and Dysphoric Headlines

IT’S OFFICIAL: DNC EMAILS WERE LEAKED, NOT HACKED
With zero evidence but the sort of unblinking righteous fury that is the hallmark of fanatical morons, this lavender-tentacled thing that calls itself “The Resistance” has insisted ever since Election Eve that Donald Trump cheated his way into the Oval Office as the direct result of Russian meddling in the election, specifically the idea that Putin’s homo-hatin’ henchmen had hacked the DNC servers that contained emails proving that the Democrats were…um…well…if you want to be honest…fundamentally corrupt and therefore undeserving of the presidency.

Now a surprisingly balanced article in The Nation —of all places—says that a group of intelligence vets have conclusively proved that a Russian hack was impossible. The material downloaded from the DNC’s server on July 5, 2016 consisted of 1,976MB of data transferred over 87 seconds—a rate of nearly 23MB per second. Experts say that this speed would have been impossible over any Internet provider on Earth in 2016. However, 23MB per second is a standard transfer rate for a thumb drive, suggesting an inside job.

The data was also transferred completely within the Eastern Time Zone, rather than from DC to Russia or Romania as the conspiracists have insisted.

A recent interview with journalist Seymour Hersh—who apparently was unaware he was being recorded—says that the Russian-hacking story is a fake narrative concocted by Deep State operatives to undermine Trump’s election and that “Trump’s not wrong to think they all fucking lie about him.”

Hersh claims his sources tell him that FBI agents who were able to pry data out of murdered DNC member Seth Rich’s computer found evidence that he had contacted Wikileaks early in the summer of 2016 seeking to sell the damning emails to Wikileaks for money.

It should come as no surprise that the mainstream media has been eardrum-smashingly silent about these revelations.

SLATE: “STOP EQUATING ‘SCIENCE’ WITH TRUTH”
Chanda Prescod-Weinstein is a woman with bushy hair and a gigantic nose who is attempting to infect science with Cultural Marxist dogma the way a street hooker who harbors grudges against men purposely tries to infect her clients with herpes. It’s August, and Chanda may have written the most Orwellian article so far this year. “Stop Equating ‘Science’ With Truth,” scolds Weinstein’s recent article for Slate. Surely they misplaced the quotation marks in that headline—although it can be politicized, science is by definition objective, whereas “truth” can include personal truths and is often subjective.

Weinstein questions the objectivity of evolutionary biology and evolutionary psychology—the two fields that progressives hate the most, because they help us understand things that egalitarian mysticism fails to explain.

Without bothering to waste one second trying to explain why science isn’t truthful, Weinstein instead tells us that both “whiteness” and race were “invented,” but we suspect she made that up. She lashes her serpent’s tongue with caustic disapproval at how this invention called whiteness led to imperialism and violence. She wags her bitter finger at us about how Thomas Jefferson was a white supremacist who raped slaves. In a hysterically anguished plea for someone, somewhere to accept and even celebrate her pain and numerous emotional issues, she yelps:

Women of color listen to white women normalize Europe as the birthplace of scientific intelligence while telling us that our curly hair isn’t professional-looking.

No, Chanda, your tight, angry locks of curly hair aren’t professional-looking. And we would lose the earrings, darling—not that you asked. But by far, the most unprofessional-looking thing about you is your nose. That’s a nose that refuses to assimilate. Join the West and get yourself some rhinoplasty, babe.

THE RISE OF A KOSHER CRYPTOCURRENCY
In an attempt to once and forever lay waste to these ridiculous and discredited rumors that Jews wield tremendous power in the global banking industry, a Russian businessman is launching a startup for a refreshingly Jews-only cryptocurrency that will at least begin to loosen the sinister stranglehold that Armenians, Nigerians, and Guatemalans hold on world finance.

Called “BitCoen,” the digital currency will aid the planet’s financially dispossessed Jewish community to finally pool their economic resources, however meager they may be, and work together to uplift their people from the penury and starvation that the global banking cartels have mercilessly inflicted upon them.

BitCoen’s administrative board will consist of a “Council of Six”—all of them Jewish, because we know that six is a very important number to those people.

“BULLETPROOF” RAPPER SHOT AND KILLED
Little Jibril Abdur-Rahman grew up on Atlanta’s rough and dirty streets. He was raised Muslim, a religion which permits you to slaughter goats and order your wife to make you a grilled-cheese sandwich whenever you want one. As Jibril reached adulthood, he found success as a rapper named Yung Mazi. We’ve never heard his music, but we assume his lyrics dealt with how you should get good grades, respect your elders, don’t eat too much candy, and obey the police at all times.

Earlier this year, Yung Mazi boasted that he’d been shot eleven times and survived—“God made me bulletproof,” he boasted vaingloriously.

According to God’s will, the twelfth time proved to be the charm. Last week at a pizza shop in Atlanta, Yung Mazi was shot and killed.

A TRANSGENDER DAY CAMP FOR FOUR-YEAR-OLDS
Because the alleged “US Constitution” and the so-called “Declaration of Independence” were written by fat, gassy old white men who have thankfully died, transgender four-year-olds in this nation have suffered unbearable emotional pain for over 200 years.

Let us all hold hands and be grateful for the fact that a group of child-loving LGBTQ allies have opened California’s Rainbow Day Camp, which welcomes children as young as four to shed the false gender they were assigned at birth—merely because some evil transphobic asshole looked at the infant’s socially constructed genitals and made some random, off-the-cuff decision that they were a “man” or a “woman”—and run around the playground exploring their true gender identity amid cackling hordes of likeminded children and their warmly approving adult spirit guides.

In other transgender news, a Navy vet who was born Jaron Matlow and calls himself perhaps “the only nuclear-qualified, transgender rabbi” in world history says he’s “absolutely devastated and furious” about Donald Trump’s recent decision to exclude men who think they’re women from stumbling onto the battlefield in high heels and poodle skirts.