The Week’s Most Abusive, Intrusive, and Exclusive Headlines
HAS TRUMP GONE FULL NEOCON?
We regret to inform our readers that last Thursday, Donald Trump authorized the US military to fire 59 Tomahawk missiles at a Syrian airfield that was suspected of launching a chemical-weapons attack against civilians. Tomorrow’s feature article will be an analysis of what this all means.
SEATTLE’S GAY MAYOR ACCUSED OF SEXUALLY ABUSING CRACK-ADDICTED TEEN
If Seattle Mayor Ed Murray looks gay, that’s because he is—and he even admits it! Even weirder is the fact that he claims to be proud of it!
This totally gay mayor also willingly bends over, grabs his ankles, and offers Seattle as a “sanctuary city” for all the criminals and terrorists who’d be the first to slit a gay white dude’s throat if given the chance. Murray recently made headlines for pushing a lawsuit against the Trump Administration for threatening to withhold funds from Seattle for, you know, breaking federal laws with every illegal alien it allows to huddle and breathe within city limits.
Now Seattle’s Gay Mayor is facing a lawsuit from a 46-year-old man identified only as “D.H.” alleging that in the 1980s Murray “raped and molested” him repeatedly. The plaintiff alleges that while he was a homeless crack addict, he repeatedly allowed Murray to give him money in exchange for sex. To be brutally honest, the sex must not have been very good, because Murray only allegedly forked over $10-$20 for each encounter.
D.H. tells the Seattle Times that his stint as the personal gay crack whore to the Emerald City’s current mayor has forced him to confront “the shame, the embarrassment, the guilt, the humiliation” that comes from being paid a pittance to have sex with a man who really isn’t very good-looking in the first place. He also hints at sexual coercion as he ruefully recalls “times he would be doing certain things and I would tell him to stop and he wouldn’t stop.” This is especially traumatizing to hear considering that D.H. describes Murray as having “reddish pubic hair and a unique mole on his scrotum—it is a small bump.”
This is the latest of numerous allegations of Murray sexually abusing underage males that date all the way back to 1984. You sure know how to pick ’em, Seattle!
SOROS RELATIVE ACCUSED OF ABUSING GAY BLACK BUTLER
Scientific tests have established beyond question that George Soros is the living incarnation of Satan on Planet Earth. It then follows that he emanates a toxic Cloud of Evil that taints everything in his vicinity—even if the person in question is only related to him by marriage.
His octogenarian sister-in-law Daisy Soros is being accused in a lawsuit of demeaning her gay black chauffeur, Zahied Mohammed, for being a gay black peasant. Mohammed’s lawsuit says he endured a “barrage of discriminatory, racist, homophobic and retaliatory conduct” at the liver-spotted hands of Ms. Soros, who called him a “sissy” and forced him to sleep on the floor while her pet poodle Tango was allowed to luxuriate on the guest bed.
“It made me feel like a slave,” Mohammed told the New York Daily News. “It was really painful because the dog was allowed to sleep on the bed — but not a black human being, a black immigrant,” he said.
George Soros is known for funding organizations such as Black Lives Matter and advocating for a border-free world.
“FANCY WHITE PEOPLE” ATTACKED AT GAS STATION
A New Jersey woman has been arrested in connection with an alleged hammer attack on a white couple at a Virginia gas station. According to a severely bloodied white male victim identified only as “Bob,” twenty-six-year-old Angela Jones of Newark began smashing his boat, Porsche, and face with a hammer while shouting that she was sick of “fancy white people.”
Since this shocking case has not become a national news story, we must conclude that it is open season on fancy white people.
STANFORD ACCEPTS STUDENT WHO PASTED “BLACK LIVES MATTER” 100 TIMES ON APPLICATION
Stanford University is one of the nation’s most esteemed institutions of higher learning. As proof of its commitment to placing academic excellence and intellectual rigor above blind and frankly stupid ideology, it recently accepted a self-described “activist” teenage Muslim from New Jersey named Ziad Ahmed based on apparently no other criteria besides his wacky answer to a question on his application. When asked “What matters to you, and why?,” he pasted #BlackLivesMatter 100 times. “I didn’t think I would get admitted to Stanford at all, but it’s quite refreshing to see that they view my unapologetic activism as an asset rather than a liability,” Ahmed gloated Islamically to a reporter.
STUDENT SHAVES HEAD TO PROTEST “HAIR PRIVILEGE”
Based on nothing more than her name, we will presume Yvonne Nguyen is a woman of at least partial Vietnamese ancestry. She is also a student at Villanova University and for some reason appears to enjoy making huge public displays of how much guilt she feels for being privileged and how much she wants to ally herself with people who don’t quite have as much privilege as she does.
In a recent essay for the school paper called “Shaving My Head: Oppression, Privilege and Power,” Nguyen relates in that inimitable SJW style of shame-addled pride how she shaved her head on St. Patrick’s Day “to be in solidarity with people undergoing cancer treatment and take time to identify the privileges that I take for granted.” She relates how she repeatedly felt shackled by “society’s oppressive gender norms” whenever she’d cut her hair short and people would say that girls look better with long hair. But now she’s seen the light—or at least has been blinded by it:
Shaving my head permitted me to focus and recognize not just my oppression and privilege, but also my power to change the circumstances for me and others….However, using one’s power comes with a caveat. One must forgo some of their undeserved privileges to provide justice for others. Are you willing to shave?
It would truly be a tragedy if, in the course of shaving her head for social justice, Miss Nguyen would one day accidentally shave off her entire head.
DON RICKLES: 1926-2017
Listen, all you dummies and hockey pucks—it is with tremendous sadness that we announce the passing of Don Rickles, AKA Mr. Warmth, AKA the Merchant of Venom. We honor and will surely miss his titanic comedic talents despite the fact that he was Jewish, and especially due to the fact that he was the last of a breed of comedians who wouldn’t be offended by what we just wrote.
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