News

The Week That Perished

April 09, 2017

STANFORD ACCEPTS STUDENT WHO PASTED “BLACK LIVES MATTER” 100 TIMES ON APPLICATION
Stanford University is one of the nation’s most esteemed institutions of higher learning. As proof of its commitment to placing academic excellence and intellectual rigor above blind and frankly stupid ideology, it recently accepted a self-described “activist” teenage Muslim from New Jersey named Ziad Ahmed based on apparently no other criteria besides his wacky answer to a question on his application. When asked “What matters to you, and why?,” he pasted #BlackLivesMatter 100 times. “I didn’t think I would get admitted to Stanford at all, but it’s quite refreshing to see that they view my unapologetic activism as an asset rather than a liability,” Ahmed gloated Islamically to a reporter.

STUDENT SHAVES HEAD TO PROTEST “HAIR PRIVILEGE”
Based on nothing more than her name, we will presume Yvonne Nguyen is a woman of at least partial Vietnamese ancestry. She is also a student at Villanova University and for some reason appears to enjoy making huge public displays of how much guilt she feels for being privileged and how much she wants to ally herself with people who don’t quite have as much privilege as she does.

In a recent essay for the school paper called “Shaving My Head: Oppression, Privilege and Power,” Nguyen relates in that inimitable SJW style of shame-addled pride how she shaved her head on St. Patrick’s Day “to be in solidarity with people undergoing cancer treatment and take time to identify the privileges that I take for granted.” She relates how she repeatedly felt shackled by “society’s oppressive gender norms” whenever she’d cut her hair short and people would say that girls look better with long hair. But now she’s seen the light—or at least has been blinded by it:

Shaving my head permitted me to focus and recognize not just my oppression and privilege, but also my power to change the circumstances for me and others….However, using one’s power comes with a caveat. One must forgo some of their undeserved privileges to provide justice for others. Are you willing to shave?

It would truly be a tragedy if, in the course of shaving her head for social justice, Miss Nguyen would one day accidentally shave off her entire head.

DON RICKLES: 1926-2017
Listen, all you dummies and hockey pucks—it is with tremendous sadness that we announce the passing of Don Rickles, AKA Mr. Warmth, AKA the Merchant of Venom. We honor and will surely miss his titanic comedic talents despite the fact that he was Jewish, and especially due to the fact that he was the last of a breed of comedians who wouldn’t be offended by what we just wrote.

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