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The Week That Perished

April 09, 2017

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The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Abusive, Intrusive, and Exclusive Headlines

HAS TRUMP GONE FULL NEOCON?
We regret to inform our readers that last Thursday, Donald Trump authorized the US military to fire 59 Tomahawk missiles at a Syrian airfield that was suspected of launching a chemical-weapons attack against civilians. Tomorrow’s feature article will be an analysis of what this all means.

SEATTLE’S GAY MAYOR ACCUSED OF SEXUALLY ABUSING CRACK-ADDICTED TEEN
If Seattle Mayor Ed Murray looks gay, that’s because he is—and he even admits it! Even weirder is the fact that he claims to be proud of it!

This totally gay mayor also willingly bends over, grabs his ankles, and offers Seattle as a “sanctuary city” for all the criminals and terrorists who’d be the first to slit a gay white dude’s throat if given the chance. Murray recently made headlines for pushing a lawsuit against the Trump Administration for threatening to withhold funds from Seattle for, you know, breaking federal laws with every illegal alien it allows to huddle and breathe within city limits.

Now Seattle’s Gay Mayor is facing a lawsuit from a 46-year-old man identified only as “D.H.” alleging that in the 1980s Murray “raped and molested” him repeatedly. The plaintiff alleges that while he was a homeless crack addict, he repeatedly allowed Murray to give him money in exchange for sex. To be brutally honest, the sex must not have been very good, because Murray only allegedly forked over $10-$20 for each encounter.

“It would truly be a tragedy if, in the course of shaving her head for social justice, Miss Nguyen would one day accidentally shave off her entire head.”

D.H. tells the Seattle Times that his stint as the personal gay crack whore to the Emerald City’s current mayor has forced him to confront “the shame, the embarrassment, the guilt, the humiliation” that comes from being paid a pittance to have sex with a man who really isn’t very good-looking in the first place. He also hints at sexual coercion as he ruefully recalls “times he would be doing certain things and I would tell him to stop and he wouldn’t stop.” This is especially traumatizing to hear considering that D.H. describes Murray as having “reddish pubic hair and a unique mole on his scrotum—it is a small bump.”

This is the latest of numerous allegations of Murray sexually abusing underage males that date all the way back to 1984. You sure know how to pick ’em, Seattle!

SOROS RELATIVE ACCUSED OF ABUSING GAY BLACK BUTLER
Scientific tests have established beyond question that George Soros is the living incarnation of Satan on Planet Earth. It then follows that he emanates a toxic Cloud of Evil that taints everything in his vicinity—even if the person in question is only related to him by marriage.

His octogenarian sister-in-law Daisy Soros is being accused in a lawsuit of demeaning her gay black chauffeur, Zahied Mohammed, for being a gay black peasant. Mohammed’s lawsuit says he endured a “barrage of discriminatory, racist, homophobic and retaliatory conduct” at the liver-spotted hands of Ms. Soros, who called him a “sissy” and forced him to sleep on the floor while her pet poodle Tango was allowed to luxuriate on the guest bed.

“It made me feel like a slave,” Mohammed told the New York Daily News. “It was really painful because the dog was allowed to sleep on the bed — but not a black human being, a black immigrant,” he said.

George Soros is known for funding organizations such as Black Lives Matter and advocating for a border-free world.

“FANCY WHITE PEOPLE” ATTACKED AT GAS STATION
A New Jersey woman has been arrested in connection with an alleged hammer attack on a white couple at a Virginia gas station. According to a severely bloodied white male victim identified only as “Bob,” twenty-six-year-old Angela Jones of Newark began smashing his boat, Porsche, and face with a hammer while shouting that she was sick of “fancy white people.”

Since this shocking case has not become a national news story, we must conclude that it is open season on fancy white people.


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