The Week That Perished

April 08, 2018

Multiple Pages
The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Perverted, Subverted, and Disconcerted Headlines

For nearly three years now, our late-night comedians have eschewed comedy in the service of churning out unfunny and morally hysterical propaganda against our butterscotch-flavored president Donald Trump. We suspect they are doing this at the behest of their corporate owners, but that would make us paranoid conspiracy theorists, and nobody wants to be called that.

We can’t recall a single moment in history when we thought gerbil-cheeked Hollywood toady Jimmy Kimmel ever did or said anything funny. If such a moment had occurred, it appears that we have blacked it out. But now we think it’s funny that the progressive mouthpiece is being bitten on the ass by progressive lynch mobs for suggesting that Sean “Dumbest Man in Conservatism” Hannity and Donald Trump are having a homosexual relationship.

After Hannity tweeted that Kimmel was a “pervert” and “Harvey Weinstein Jr.,” Kimmel lashed out in a manner that strongly suggests he enjoys partaking in the homoerotic:

When your clown makeup rubs off on Trump’s ass, does it make his butt look like a Creamsicle

Don’t worry – just keep tweeting – you’ll get back on top! (or does Trump prefer you on bottom?) Either way, keep your chin up big fella..X

Um—what year is it? Oh, that’s right—it’s 2018. Where does this so-called “progressive” get off thinking it’s OK to suggest there would be something wrong if Sean Hannity and Donald Trump were involved in a physical relationship where both indulged erotic desires via the simple, healthy, and nourishing act of Hannity shoving his proboscis into our president’s anus? Is he trying to say there’s something wrong or disgusting with that? As medical science and comic books have proved, anyone who accuses anyone else of homosexuality is themselves a homosexual, not that there’s anything wrong with it—even though, judging by the scolding and sadistic tone in which the accusation is always made, one might think otherwise.

There is no greater proof that someone is a homosexual than if they accuse someone else of being a homosexual.

“There is no greater proof that someone is a homosexual than if they accuse someone else of being a homosexual.”

Many of Kimmel’s homosexual supporters disavowed him, claiming his words made them “physically ill” and that he was an “asshole” for lobbing “homophobic slurs” as if they could ever possibly be funny.

As everyone knows, the problem isn’t whether or not Donald Trump and Sean Hannity are having gay sex, it’s that we live in a world where people are calling other people “faggots” all the time, and this clearly has to stop! An English rugby player whose name is—no lie—Jamie Shillcock has publicly complained that another player called him a “faggot.” Olympic skater Adam Rippon is being touted as our first nationally recognized and respected faggot.” British comedian Rhys Nicholson claims that men on a train called him a “faggot” and threatened to “bash me to death.” Indian publisher Naufal Khan was recently called “a faggot with a mouth,” which Naufal insists is “not okay.” Two of RuPaul’s Drag Race queens claim they were in a Newcastle kebab shop when onlookers called them “faggots” and “walking STDs.”

Stop laughing! It’s not funny! And even if it’s true that gay people have much higher levels of STDs than others, it’s not the result of their own behavior—it’s because society hates them.

Confidential medical sources inform us that actor Sean Penn has always suffered from the worst case of intellectual Dunning-Kruger Effect in the annals of science. Never has a man considered himself so intelligent with so much evidence to the contrary.

His debut novel, Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff, is every bit as stilted and moronic as the title suggests. The Huffington Post calls it “an exercise in ass-showing, a 160-page self-own.” The Guardian calls it “repellent and stupid on so many levels….Penn doesn’t just swing and miss with his ambitious vocabulary; he swings and cracks a hole in reality as we know it.”

If you have any self-esteem at all and aren’t some sort of weirdo who gets off on torturing themselves, you will do the wise thing and skip over these passages:

Whenever he felt these collisions of incubus and succubus, he punched his way out of the proletariat with the purposeful inputting of covert codes, thereby drawing distraction through Scottsdale deployments, dodging the ambush of innocents astray, evading the viscount vogue of Viagratic assaults on virtual vaginas, or worse, falling passively into prosaic pastimes.

There is pride to be had where the prejudicial is practiced with precision in the trenchant triage of tactile terminations.

Bob hastily exited and breathed the new morning’s Muslim air.

She sharted agave shimmering spirits and shifted shit-faced overboard.

She begins to writhe, cackle, and cough out her laughter uncontrollably. Her eyes watering, she nearly poos. Bob spies what might be a dime-sized and expanding moisture blossom from her rear-end-center, signifying perhaps some minimal ass-piss.

These are literary crimes for which there can be no forgiveness.

First they came for the men, then they came for the whites, and now they’re coming for the Christians—again. It’s not like they haven’t come for the Christians since the dawn of Christianity, it’s just that throughout what used to be known as “Christendom,” Christians are increasingly being blamed for everything—and being blamed for everything is usually a precursor to being slaughtered.

Our nation’s father George Washington—and when we call him our nation’s father, this is not to suggest that he was some sort of manwhore—was a Christian. That is why his wooden teeth are likely chattering in his grave that George Washington University recently hosted a seminar about the scourge of “Christian Privilege.” According to the “diversity workshop” held on April 5, Christians—especially the light-skinned ones—“receive unmerited perks from institutions and systems all across our country” and enjoy “built-in advantages” in our nation. Such advantages presumably include being the only major world religion that is openly criticized in the media and on college campuses. At the end of their indoctrination and struggle session, workshop attendees will be asked to name “at least three examples of Christian privilege” and “at least three ways to be an ally with a non-Christian person.”

The 90-minute workshop was hosted by Timothy Kane, a self-described “proud gay member of the LGBT community,” which should come as no surprise.

We’ve written before about the “White Privilege Conference,” an annual event in which an overwhelmingly white cluster of attendees gather together to make one another feel great about themselves for feeling horrible about themselves.

Now comes word that the insanely attractive Abby Ferber, a University of Colorado-Colorado Springs sociology professor and White Privilege Conference organizer, is offering a class that rewards students a robust three credits for attending the conference and reporting back about how good it felt to hate the skin in which they were born. These credits can be applied toward achieving a graduate degree in “Diversity, Social Justice, and Inclusion,” which is a major that never should have been offered anywhere that takes itself seriously as an institution of higher learning.

Concern and alarm and paranoia and fear and terror and anger and much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments erupted in England recently after anonymous letters circulated urging that Tuesday, April 3 should be celebrated as “Punish a Muslim Day” in that once very non-Islamic country. Sent out to residences and businesses alike, the flyer described what one newspaper calls “a disturbing point-based system that would award attackers for acts of hatred and violence.” For example, while verbally abusing a Muslim would garner you only 10 points, you’d hit the jackpot for “butchering a Muslim using a gun, knife, vehicle or otherwise”—that yields a whopping 500 points.

But alas, Tuesday April 3 came and went and no Muslims were punished. Clearly the event’s organizers were incompetent.

John Parker, a DNC member from Duval County, Florida, is facing heat from fellow Democrats because he slipped up and forgot to use the approved (although unnecessary and less grammatically elegant) phrase “people of color” and instead referred to them as “colored people,” which is not only unforgivable, it really should be a felony.

“I misspoke and used the term colored people when I meant people of color,” Parker confessed to the world back in February as if anyone should ever in a million years forgive him for this.

Even Parker’s wife is publicly calling for him to resign, which only proves that she is a loyal and devoted partner. She said that making this public demand had been “painful and awkward” for her but appeared not to have wondered nor cared how painful and awkward she was making it for her hubby.

Activist Diallo-Sekou Seabrooks—the names really say it all sometimes—said that Parker’s “Jim Crow terminology” was “unacceptable” as if Parker had asked him to accept it in the first place.

A recent poll from British marketing firm YouGov finds that 94% of adults over 55 say they have always believed the Earth is round, while a robust third of those aged 18 to 24 say that at one point or another in their lives they have believed that our planet is flat or some other shape. Aren’t old people supposed to be dumb and superstitious while the young’uns are smart and logical? The survey also found that flat-Earthers tend to come from the lower rungs of our economic hierarchy.

The Earth is flat? What sort of nonsense are they going to try to tell us next—that everyone is equal?

Although Donald Trump has been ruthlessly and rabidly criticized for his perfectly sensible and highly sentimental plan to build a wall along our southern border, police in the lovely and chocolatey African country of Botswana are handling illegal aliens the old-fashioned way: They’re beating them. Rumors have emerged that Zimbabwean refugees who’ve fled to Botswana just to seek a better life and a fair shake at securing one of the country’s millions of tech and financial-sector jobs are being harassed and bludgeoned by a few bad eggs and violent knuckleheads in Botswana’s law-enforcement sector. A statement read in Botswana’s senate—which we presume convenes in some mud hut somewhere—detailed the brutalities inflicted upon the Zimbabweans:

They could hardly walk and had wounds all over their bodies. They submitted that they had been beaten up by both the Botswana police and the traditional chief courts.

Now, obviously, we need to make it brutally clear that we aren’t suggesting the best way to fight the flood of illegals spilling into our nation from our southern border is to beat and maim them. It’s just that we never considered it before.

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Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.

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