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The Week That Perished

April 02, 2017

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The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Dogmatic, Prostatic, and Schismatic Headlines

CONGRESSWOMAN’S HAIR COMPARED TO JAMES BROWN’S, WORLD RECOILS IN RIGHTEOUS HORROR
Since 1991, Democratic Congresswoman Maxine Waters has represented much of southern Los Angeles, a wonderfully vibrant community which has gifted the world with endless gang war, two major riots, and Rock and Roll Hall of Fame members Niggaz Wit Attitudes.

Waters referred to the 1992 LA Riots—in which 54 people died because serial loser Rodney King refused to obey police orders to lie on the ground and instead kept getting up to attack them—as an “understandable…rebellion.” She also said that she was forced to march for abortion rights “because my mother could not have an abortion.”

More recently Waters has been the loudest of the congressional blabbermouths calling for Donald Trump’s impeachment. She referred to his cabinet members as “scumbags” and depicts Trump as a puppet of Vladimir Putin, who as everyone knows recently invaded Korea.

Waters may not be the dumbest member of Congress—after all, she has to compete with such titans of anti-intellectualism as Hank Johnson and Sheila Jackson-Lee—but she is aggressively and impenitently stupid nonetheless.

In a recent oratory on the floor of Congress, Waters said that race pimps such as her were the true patriots and that Trump—rather than her constituents who loot and rob and riot and take more money from the federal treasury than they contribute in taxes—was going to destroy the country.

“Mr. Trump, please build a wall on the northern border, too.”

While watching a clip of her sub-literate ululations, Fox News host Bill O’Reilly said he didn’t listen to a word of her speech because he was too fixated on her “James Brown wig.” Despite the fact that whatever wig the 78-year-old career politician is wearing is nearly indistinguishable from the late soul singer’s hair, the progressive shock troops erupted in horrified rage at such an insensitive, misogynistic, and deeply racist statement. On MSNBC, Waters told white lesbian Chris Hayes that “I’m a strong black woman and I cannot be intimidated” and that we all needed to look away from racist bigots who make comments about strong black women’s hair and instead focus on “the real issues of this country,” chief of which is apparently the mass delusion that Russia stole the election.

The esteemed and impartial Black Voice News stood in solidarity with Waters, claiming she is helping to “bring an end to a national edifice that supports the dual poisons of misogyny, racism and sexism.”

Technically, that would be three “poisons” rather than two, but to note this would be to lend tacit support to this horrifying “national edifice,” so we will refrain from pointing out that Waters’s supporters seem every bit as dumb as she is.

NEW PICTURE BOOK SHOWS SANTA CLAUS IN GAY INTERRACIAL RELATIONSHIP
Slated for release this fall, a picture book called Santa’s Husband writes Mrs. Claus out of the history books and replaces her with a Black Santa who lives with and engages in a homosexual relationship with White Santa, where they presumably take turns sitting on the North Pole.

The book is written by Daniel Kibblesmith, a writer for The Late Show With Stephen Colbert who looks every bit like the smackable beta prog male you’d expect him to look like. Last Christmas season Kibblesmith had tweeted that he and his wife’s “future child will only know about Black Santa. If they see a white one we’ll say ‘That’s his husband.’” Naturally the culture destroyers who currently rule American media snapped up the idea and green-lit its conversion into another propaganda tool with which to subvert and pervert every remaining undefiled Western icon. According to Rachel Jacoby Zoldan of Teen Vogue—apparently America’s teens won’t free themselves from the shackles of their imaginary oppression until their minds are filled with images of White Santa sucking black dick—the book represents “a pretty major moment for inclusion.”

CHINESE PROVINCE BANS VEILS AND “ABNORMAL” BEARDS
In a move that is objectively more “Islamophobic” than anything Donald Trump has suggested but will not receive any attention in the Western media because it would be racist to criticize Chinese people, officials in China’s western province of Xinjiang have passed a measure that bans the public wearing of veils and “abnormal” beards, which it argues encourage “religious fanaticism.” China’s western provinces border such vipers’ nests of Islamic fanaticism as Pakistan and Afghanistan, and the province of Xinjiang in particular has seen perennial tensions between Muslim Uighurs and Han Chinese.


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