The Week’s Yuckiest, Suckiest, and Starbuckiest Headlines
BLACK PEOPLE GO TO STARBUCKS?
In a racially charged story that has shocked our fractured and bleeding nation to its quivering core, word out of Philadelphia is that black people go to Starbucks.
This startling fact was confirmed as news broke that a pair of fine young buck Mandingo able-bodied and strong-willed African American men were hauled off in chains as if they were modern-day slaves after insisting on their right as citizens of this country to pee and poop in the Starbucks’ bathroom without actually ordering any pumpkin-spice lattes.
What sort of world do we inhabit where young black men can’t lay free claim to the electricity, water, and urban rental costs of maintaining a functional overpriced-coffee-shop toilet—costs which will eventually be passed on in the form of higher prices for things such as Café Americanos and Kale Frappuccinos to the clueless white urban marks who buy this shit—over which these entitled and arrogant Young Urban Men can spray the digested remains of their Jolly Ranchers and pork cracklin’s? If a black man can’t shit for free anywhere he wants, what the heck kind of world is this, anyway?
It’s a RACIST kind of world, that’s what kind of world that is. And don’t you ever forget it, which is why we feel compelled to rub your nose in it every moment of your life until you draw your last breath.
As far as we can piece together the facts, the two young urban black men—Donte Robinson and Rashon Nelson, whose parents apparently wanted you to know they were black merely by the names they chose for them—came into a Philly Starbucks near the perennially posh Rittenhouse Square and planted their black asses at a table. Then, without paying a penny, they asked a white female barista—who but of course is described as an “SJW feminist”—if they could use the little boys’ room. She said that she would gladly permit them to do so if they, you know, maybe ordered a single shot of expresso and shared it.
Just like the bold Civil Rights heroes of the 1960s who sat at lunch counters and declared the right to order grilled-cheese sandwiches without being lynched, the two black men refused to unglue their posteriors from their seats.
It was then that the white SJW feminist, who may or may not have been a coal-burner herself (we’re leaning toward “yes”), decided to call 911:
I have two gentlemen in my cafe that are refusing to make a purchase or leave.
It would take a posse of seven Philadelphia police officers to finally extricate the defiantly non-coffee-purchasing black men from the Starbucks, at which point young Donte and Rashan became internationally famous racial-justice warriors, Oscar winners, and future male runway models.
The black people who make a living complaining about white people in the mainstream press were shocked, appalled, and flabbergasted.
According to Touré—yes, that’s what he calls himself, accent mark and everything—the Starbucks incident can be blamed on a sudden, irrational, and completely unnecessary wave of “white fear”:
It’s no mystery to me what happened in that Philadelphia Starbucks last week. Two black men were arrested after a few minutes of calmly, quietly sitting in a place that famously welcomes people to come and sit a while….What happened is white fear entered the room….White fear is a powerful force. Once in the bloodstream it can make calm black customers look scary. It can even make little black boys look scary….Did they perpetuate a racist society or lean on their white privilege? Did they react out of white fear?… I live in fear of white fear….I’m scared out of my mind right now.
Touré, I am certain that I am not the first to suggest that you may have some issues.
In the Chicago Tribune, an overweight black woman named Dahleen Glanton scolds even the white people who expressed deep and public sympathy for The Starbucks Two by slapping them with an unnecessarily bitchy, “What took you so long?”
To its immense credit, Starbucks issued a groveling and possibly entirely insincere public apology.
On May 29, all 8,000 of its company-owned stores will be shut down in order to hector and lecture and scold and shame approximately 175,000 workers on the touchy topic of “racial bias.” It sounds hilarious. We wish we could attend.
This is a potentially volatile situation. Nothing is more dangerous than white people being afraid of black people being afraid of white people.
Adding some levity to the festivities was Jesus Hotep—one of the Happy Hoteps profiled in these very pages about a year ago—who filmed himself walking into a Starbucks saying the following to a white female clerk:
I heard y’all was racist, so I came to get my free coffee…I heard you guys don’t like black people, so I came to get my Starbucks reparations voucher.
She gave him the free coffee. You knew she would.
HANS ASPERGER, NAZI ENABLER
As if we all didn’t already know this by this late date, Nazis are evil, so anyone who enables Nazis is also evil, and even if they’re dead, they should probably be resurrected and beaten to death again just for being foolish enough to ever help a gosh-darned Nazi.
Hans Asperger was an Austrian pediatrician who was honored with having a form of autism named after him. He wrote about what would later be christened Asperger syndrome in 1944. Now an Austrian medical historian claims that at the same time he was doing pioneering work on autism, Asperger—although not a member of the Nazi Party himself—referred severely disabled children to a euthanasia clinic where they were purposely killed with drug overdoses.
We could make a list of precisely 1,000 reasons why this practice was wrong, but we don’t want to ’sperg out on you.
DEMOCRATS’ GAME PLAN: SOCIALISM AND REPARATIONS
If you’re a black Marxist who yearns to find a political party you can call home, the Democratic Party is spreading its legs wide and offering its warm, gamy womb to you. Whatever free money you don’t get from socialism you will surely receive through government-mandated racial reparations.
A long article in The New York Times tracks the Democratic Socialists of America, whom it claims has “experienced an enormous surge of interest since the election of President Trump,” presumably among people who write for The New York Times. It says that the Democratic Socialists of America boasts a robust 35,000 members across the USA, which is really impressive when you consider this means there are about 324,965,000 Americans who aren’t members of this group.
At a vibrant, diverse, throbbing, and veiny event in Atlanta last week titled “Way to Win: 2022 Victory Party,” top-ranking national Democrats gathered together to discuss exciting new ways to justify taking other people’s money:
It’s 2022 and we are celebrating policy victories across the nation: Medicare for All and Free College, and next on the agenda is Reparations.
For years we have endorsed a reparations plan for black Americans, provided that it makes sense.