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The Week That Perished

April 01, 2018

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The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Sclerotic, Neurotic, and Robotic Headlines

DERSHOWITZ: LEAVE DONALD ALONE!
Celebrity lawyer Alan Dershowitz—who, to our knowledge, has never been employed as a male model—pulled a Chris Crocker last week and told Special Counsel Robert Mueller to drop the Russian-collusion investigation and leave Donald Trump the hell alone.

Mind you, we thought everyone would have dropped the silly idea of collusion when it was revealed last summer that the transfer speeds of leaked DNC emails were too quick to have been hacked via any internet connection on earth and must have been an inside job, but Trump Derangement Syndrome appears to be incurable.

In an interview with a CBS reporter, Dershowitz compared the FBI’s anti-Trump witch hunt to Soviet tactics:

Lavrentiy Beria, the head of the KGB said to Stalin, ‘Show me the man, and I’ll find you the crime!’ That’s what special counsel does….The issue of criminalization [of political differences] has not been subject to rational discourse…When you appoint a special counsel you give them targets and you say, ‘You better get that guy or the people around him…and we’re going to give you tens of millions of dollars. And if you come up empty-handed, you’re a failure.

Possibly smelling of pickles, Dershowitz also emphasized a legal issue that almost no one in the mainstream press has noted—that although collusion might not be nice, it is not technically a crime:

It is not a crime to collude about an election unless there are payments made, or violations of the federal law involving gifts to campaigns from foreign governments. But collusion itself is not a crime.

Let’s review: There has been zero evidence of collusion, and even if there was, it probably wasn’t a crime. So all the arrogant assurances from brain-damaged leftists over the past 18 months that it’s only a matter of time before Trump is removed from office for being nice to Russians has been nothing more than a fever dream.

“It never occurred to us that the light beer/dark beer dichotomy has sinister racial undertones, but you learn something every week.”

ASSANGE BANISHED FROM INTERNET
Speaking of entities that probably actually had a palpable effect on the 2016 presidential election, Julian Assange—who’s been ensconced in London’s Ecuadorian embassy for a half-dozen years after being charged with rape in Sweden, although the charges were eventually dropped, which is miraculous, because everything is rape in Sweden—has suffered the indignity of having his internet access revoked by his Ecuadorian zookeepers.

The precipitating factor in the decision appears to be that on Twitter last Monday, Assange questioned the British narrative that Russia used a nerve agent to poison a former Russian double agent and his daughter in England. The next day, British foreign office minister Alan Duncan called Assange a “miserable little worm” during a Commons debate. Hey, Assange may be a lousy dancer, but we think “miserable little worm” is a wee bit harsh!

A statement from the Ecuadorian government claimed that Assange breached “a written commitment made to the government at the end of 2017 not to issue messages that might interfere with other states.”

Mr. Assange, may you never stop leaking.

DOG BREEDERS ACCUSED OF MISOGYNY, EUGENICS, AND SEX TRAFFICKING
Crufts, an England-based international canine event that bills itself as the “world’s greatest dog show,” stands accused of misogyny, eugenics, and sex trafficking.

During a dog show earlier this month, one of those mentally addled “animal rights activists”—who don’t seem to realize that if given the chance, most animals would kill and eat them—stormed the arena and accused Crufts of promoting “eugenics” by committing the sin of breeding healthy and attractive dogs.

Upping the absurdity just a notch, the psychopaths at PETA—who have been accused of killing tens of thousands of animals in the name of saving them—recently issued a blog pasted called “You Can’t Be a Feminist And Buy a Dog,” which examined the deep-seated woman-hatred that simmered beneath the simple act of purchasing a canine:

Have you ever been called a “bitch”? “Bitch,” of course, meaning a female dog. Apparently, it’s supposed to be an insult. Perhaps that’s because, in breeders’ circles, female dogs’ main purposes are to win beauty pageants and then to be bred repeatedly until their bodies wear out. And if you buy a dog, you are funding sexual exploitation.
In puppy mills and breeding operations, female dogs are trapped in a nightmare sickeningly similar to the illicit sex trade. Their bodies are controlled, manipulated, bought, and sold—all for the financial benefit of their peddlers.

These bitches be crazy.

GEORGIA TEACHER ACCUSED OF TWO MURDERS IS ALLEGEDLY MEMBER OF CRIPS GANG
When we entrust teachers to educate, inform, and nurture our children in order to build a better and more vibrant society, we would like to believe that they are not multiple murderers who belong to criminal syndicates.

Therefore, we may be disappointed to learn that an Atlanta-area teacher stands accused of murdering two children and is allegedly a member of the Crips—which, in case you were unaware, consists of young males who are typically not crippled in any way, at least not before they get shot by Bloods.

Michael De’Sean White—if we were criminal defense lawyers, we would advise all clients to remove the apostrophes from their names before entering the courtroom—is a 26-year-old fifth-grade teacher at Toney Elementary School who is accused of slaying an 11-year-old girl and her 15-year-old brother in 2016.

Recently obtained documents allege that White—who, it must be emphasized, is not white—is a “known member” of the Crips street gang.

If he was a member of La Cosa Nostra, we might let it slide. Or even the Dixie Mafia. But a Crip? This is a new low for American education.