Taki's Mag

This morning, a bottle hit the Manhattan island shore, containing a rather distressing log from The Weekly Standard‘s annual Caribbean Cruise. It seems that things have gone terribly awry aboard the dreadnaught HMS Hegemonic.

Bimini: Great news—no going back to Fort Lauderdale. The good ship Hegemonic has just been bought by some Greek tycoon who thinks we deserve a longer vacation! Eleuthera: Captain says the new owner has set a new itinerary including South Georgia—Savannah maybe? East of Grenada: Had consommé poolside with Fred Barnes. Bill Kristol had us in stitches with his imitation of Robert Maxwell walking the plank. The Equator: Our satellite link is toast. John Podhoretz dissed King Neptune’s people about Georgia being in the opposite direction, and had the NavSat card in his pocket when they keelhauled him. So much for real time blogging. Devil’s Island: Put Senator Craig and Congressman Foley ashore with the ship’s goat. South Georgia: Stopped to pick up sheep, put out more flags, and lay wreath at tomb of the unknown Daily Telegraph correspondent. Beagle Channel: Native canoes came alongside offering Inca Pisco, Vicuna coats, and a neat new powdered soft drink called Coca Coca. Cape Horn: Ambasador Bolton and Bill Kristol went ashore to pay a courtesy call on General Pinochet’s brain. Elephant Island: Locals in white tie crowded Bill Kristol’s gala dinner, but dove overboard during his speech, sticking Barnes with a whinging caviar bar bill . Pitcairn: Landed after 100 days at sea, but the newsstand here refuses to stock our mag until stocks of The American Mercury and Look are exhausted. Easter Island: Finished giant stone head of Rupert Murdoch this afternoon—damn white coral contact lenses kept falling out. East of Java: Bill Bennett broke the bank at chemmy last night, but lost the last of his Virtue sequel advance playing Hold Em. Bill Kristol and Fred Barnes put in irons after jumping ship on a raft made of Mai Tai umbrellas. Wiki Wiki: Pursued by proas flogging the pidgin edition of The Economist. Goldberg and Barnes beat them off by flinging remaindered copies of Liberal Fascism. Tanna island, Vanuatu: Cargo Cult here hailed David as John Frum’s long lost heir after he stopped the volcano erupting by tossing in Ann Coulter. Christmas Island: Tried out the Vanuatu Letters of Marque and Reprisal David got in exchange for poor Anne,  but The Nation Seminar at Sea aboard Oosterdam gave us the slip in the fog.  Demerara: The Pusser’s distillery gave the former Sec Def a 151 Rum salute while the AA crowd went inland to Jonestown to chill out with Pina Koolaidas. Bequia:  After practicing their harpooning skills on J-Pod, the recreational whaling seminar guys scored a humpback. Locals very impressed Guantanamo Bay: Camp X-Ray Commander nixed our landing to buy Cohibas, but Cuban pilot says we’re assured a warm reception down the coast. Bahia Cocinas: Some welcome. Venezuela’s Secretary Of The Navy For Life was waiting to offer his submarine for next years “Weekly Standard North Pole Cruise.” He offered to drop David off in Havana in exchange for his Canadian passport. Dry Tortugas: Free at last! Crude oil spiked again and the owner ordered Hegemonic converted to an oil tanker, and gave us this nifty trireme to row home. All we have to do is find the oars, and some Dramamine for the ship’s cat.