The Spit-Roasting of Paula Deen

June 24, 2013

Multiple Pages
The Spit-Roasting of Paula Deen

Deep-battered and Southern-fried celebrity chef Paula Deen is crying tears made of butter after admitting in a court deposition that a long, long time ago she said the word “nigger.”

The story became yet another tedious and barf-inducing racial scandal last week. It led to the Food Channel, where the cheesecake-fryin’, nut-droppin’ Georgia porker had ruled the pigsty for over a decade, announcing on Friday that they would not renew Deen’s contract because, well, c’mon, she said the word “nigger” and that’s the modern equivalent of the unpardonable sin.

Amid all the public shirt-rending, the wagging of fingers and shaking of heads, the tut-tutting and tsk-tsking, the eyeball-pluckingly pious denunciations about shamefulness, evil, heinousness, and raw pure unabashed hateful unforgivable Southern wickedness, it mostly escaped notice that Deen (an Obama supporter) said she’d used the word in a discussion with her husband after a black man held a gun to her head while robbing her at the bank where she worked.

“To baser creatures, apologies are usually interpreted as weakness, and we all know how wolfpacks treat weakness.”

We live in a topsy-turvy world where people are far more offended if someone says “nigger” than if they act like one. Thus, last week’s sentencing of three black Marines who murdered a fellow white Marine and his black wife received almost zero notice in the national press.

Deen’s deposition involved a lawsuit filed by a white woman named Lisa Jackson, a former employee at Uncle Bubba’s Oyster House in Savannah, GA. The “Bubba” in question is Deen’s brother, Earl “Bubba” Hiers, who is variously accused in the complaint of drinking hard liquor from a paper cup, calling blacks “monkeys,” saying that Obama should have come down South to “nigger-rig” the Gulf oil spill, saying he wished he could send all his black workers on a boat back to Africa, forbidding black workers from using the restaurant’s front entrance, telling off-color jokes, surfing for porn, and basically doing everything one might suspect a guy named “Bubba” of doing.

Jackson also claims that when she asked Deen (who has been held in contempt of court for refusing to fork over a video that allegedly depicts her simulating fellatio on a chocolate éclair) what sort of outfits she’d prefer to see her black workers wearing, she received the following response:

Well what I would really like is a bunch of little niggers to wear long-sleeve white shirts, black shorts and black bow ties, you know in the Shirley Temple days, they used to tap dance around.

In Deen’s subsequent deposition, the most infamous passage—apart from Deen unabashedly saying “of course” when asked if she’d ever used “the N-word”—involved wedding plans for Bubba that involved strictly black servants garbed in formal attire. Deen said that such plans never came to fruition because she feared someone might “misinterpret” her intentions.

Naturally, the bloodthirsty progressive press misinterpreted and misrepresented her intentions. Various accounts lent the impression that she had actually hired black workers to dress as slaves.

The backlash was as quick and ferocious as these things tend to be these days, and Deen quickly cobbled together a very inept video apology and then a slightly less inept video apology.

But to baser creatures, apologies are usually interpreted as weakness, and we all know how wolfpacks treat weakness.

On CNN, a gay Jewish man named Howard Bragman relished Deen’s downfall in a manner that was borderline psychotic:

And the day she dies, this will be in her obituary. She has to wear the stain the rest of her life and she’s earned it.

Bragman also said that “words hurt” and “damage people,” although I doubt he was referring to Paula Deen and her hundreds of suddenly unemployed underlings, who were all literally hurt not by a word’s usage but by the sanctimonious lynch mob that reacted to it.

In a rant reeking of anti-goyishe animus, sports writer Dan Bernstein calls Deen an “Ugly Racist” who peddles “lowbrow, redneck garbage” and indulges in “downright inhuman behavior” while appealing to “diabetic simpletons.” Apparently able to read minds, he states it as a “fact” that “Paula Deen just flatly, clearly, undeniably views blacks as lesser people, if entirely human at all.”

Clearly, Dan Bernstein views white Southern non-Jewish rednecks as entirely human.

The Christian Science Monitor glumly pondered whether it was possible to say anything positive about Southern history and cuisine without conjuring the smelly taint of bigotry, hatred, hateful bigotry, and bigoted hatefulness.

A writer for the yay-for-blacks blog The Root lamented that instead of taking his advice to “Bash Deen” as humorlessly as possible, younger blacks (and a sprinkling of crackers) on Twitter had a bit of fun speculating about some of her favorite dishes such as “Honey Bunches of Ropes,” “Porch Monkey Bread,” “Colored Greens,” “Klu [sic] Klux Flan,” “Cotton Pickin’ Fried Chicken,” and my personal favorite, “Lynchables.”

Both Salon and Mediaite, which you’d expect to be cynical toward primitively mystical notions of morality—or at least Christian ones—referred to Deen’s “sin.”

What a preposterously magical and mystical word “nigger” has become. I think back to the O. J. Simpson murder trial—probably the most high-profile legal proceeding in the past quarter-century—where defense lawyers turned the jury’s attention away from a brutal double slaying to whether a policeman had said the word “nigger.”

No matter what the powers that be insist, no matter how hard they try to purge it from one of American literature’s greatest works, it really is nothing more than a word. It only has the power that you superstitious morons give to it.

I also think of the futility when a white person apologizes for uttering it. Paula Deen’s downfall isn’t the first time a public figure publicly groveled to no avail after it was revealed that they’d said “nigger.” Offering a tearful, shell-shocked apology didn’t do Duane “Dog the Bounty Hunter” Chapman or Michael “Kramer” Richards any good, either.

So I suggest an entirely different tack, one more along the lines of “Draw a Cartoon of Muhammad Day.” The only way to strip the word of the “power” that people insist it has is for everyone to start saying it as often as possible. I suspect the only thing that will stop this insanity is for everyone to start saying the word en masse like a sudden populist upsurge of racial Tourette’s. Let it burst forth like an epidemic of niggerrhea. Throw the word right back in the faces of the pious turds who use it to destroy careers through cowardly festivals of public shaming. I’m only half-joking when I suggest that the only rational solution for this ceaselessly embarrassing national moral panic is for people to start filming themselves saying the word “nigger” and posting it online.

Here…I’ll be the first.


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