Not so long ago, Barack Obama electrified and mesmerized not only America but the entire solar system and even parts of the Crab Nebula with his transparently empty promises, his smooth mulatto charisma, and an oratory prowess that sent tingles running up grown men’s legs. Then, roughly five minutes after his inauguration, Obama lost all his charm and has flailed for the past two-and-a-half years as a frightened-and-flummoxed amateur who’s obviously in way over his oversized ears. His approval rating has plummeted so precipitiously, it reached the point earlier this year where “only” 85 percent of African Americans said he’s doing a swell job.

But except for that opening paragraph, we’re not here to make fun of Barack Obama. Today, we aim our gleeful Schadenfreude at his blood relatives, many of whom have names that sound like slight variations of Ooga Booga Yabba Dabba Doo.

Historically, the press has made a bigger deal of Democratic presidents’ wayward relatives than it has of GOP prez’s familial fuckups. Whether this is due to editorial negligence or the fact that Republicans’ families have kept their noses cleaner, we are not sure. Ronald Reagan’s immediate family members did only slightly embarrassing things such as becoming a snarky, gay-seeming ballet dancer and a charmlessly meandering talk-radio host. Oh, and George Bush, Sr. had a mildly retarded son who became president for twice as long as his dad.

Over on the donkey side, America’s media made huge hay of a bucktoothed, bespectacled, runway-staining Georgia cracker called Billy Carter and a coke-gobbling, talent-free wannabe musician named Roger Clinton.

But Barack Obama doesn’t merely have a single embarrassing family member. He has a whole litter of them. But he’s protected by the Black Shield, a new kind of skin privilege, one it’s impossible to even mention without being branded with the irrevocably shameful “R” word. Due to such fears and also their elaborate financial and ideological entanglements with the current administration, most of America’s press doesn’t leap nearly so eagerly on Obama’s familial skeletons as they do on Sarah Palin’s retarded child or Michelle Bachmann’s screaming faggot of a husband. The press isn’t even in Obama’s pocket—they’re snuggled deep up in his underwear.

We are not constrained by such fears. But because a fundamental spirit of fairmindedness animates us, we’ll leave his immediate family members out of it, although we can’t help mentioning he was raised almost solely by Caucasians after age two and expressed his gratitude by checking off “black” rather than “white” or “some other race” on his Census form.

Since they’re both dead, we will say nothing mean about his commie-sympathizing mud shark of a mother nor his violent, peg-legged, deadbeat alcoholic dad. Since they’re still alive, we will refrain from taking cheap shots at his daughters Sushi and Mongolia and from disparaging his overbearing, insufferable, ball-busting, walking vagina dentata of a wife.

We’re here simply to make sport of his less-immediate family members. It’s funny to hear that Barack Obama has so many half-brothers, because genetically, Obama is a half-brother. Although we don’t think he’s fully responsible for any of their actions, we’ll note that he seems reluctant to “spread the wealth” with any of them.

ONYANGO “UNCLE OMAR” OBAMA
Although he moved to the USA in the early 1960s, the president’s half-uncle is still an illegal immigrant who somehow has managed to finagle himself an authentic Massachusetts driver’s license and a valid Social Security card since 1992. On August 24 of this year, his erratic driving led to an arrest by Massachusetts police, who pulled him over near the Chicken Bone Saloon in Framingham. A police report noted his “obviously red and glassy eyes,” a “slurred speech pattern,” and “a strong odor consistent with consumption of alcohol coming from his breath.” His blood-alcohol level reportedly tested at twice the legal limit, making him a drunk uncle, or, if you prefer, a “druncle.” The 67-year-old liquor-store employee had reportedly also sold alcohol to underaged individuals on two separate occasions. When advised of his right to make a phone call and arrange bail, he said, “I think I will call the White House.” Although facing deportation, he has sought refuge from the same law firm that enabled his younger sister, the innately loathsome Zeituni Onyango, to avoid the same fate only last year.