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The Little Bomb That Couldn’t

January 12, 2015

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The Little Bomb That Couldn’t

BREAKING NEWS!!!—A bomb may…or may not…have gone off near a Colorado Springs office of the NAACP last week, and it may…or may not…have been a hate crime.

I’ll provide further details as they come in.

The alleged racial terrorist attack reputedly happened last Tuesday morning. The story slowly started trending on social media and news outlets, only to be suddenly dwarfed and effectively erased by Wednesday’s Charlie Hebdo massacre in Paris.

Many black people on Twitter—as well as untold legions of their white enablers and allies—appear very pissed that the NAACP story never really got “legs,” as they like to say in the publishing biz. Or as the blacks like to say, there may be a bit of “player hating” going on here by disgruntled African Americans who feel nudged out of the victimization spotlight, however temporarily. They decry the fact that the racist media cares about a dozen dead white Parisians much more than it does about the slightly scuffed side of a building in Colorado.

Trying to race-shame you with all the sadistic ferocity of someone slapping your face with a giant dead fish, they allege this is further evidence of things such as white privilege and institutional racism and the media’s utter indifference toward the terrorist violence that “black bodies” have to deal with even when they open their front door and bend down to pick up the morning newspaper off the front stoop. They wail that “race relations in this country” are at a fever point, even after “all we’ve done to struggle for progress” and that “white people shouldn’t be so mean” and that “black bodies are being gunned down like so many jackrabbits in Tennessee Ernie Ford’s watermelon patch” and that “black people have every right to hoot and holler in the streets while leaping up and down, scratching their genitals, and burning convenience stores to the ground simply because history says so.”

“If there were much substance to this story, the American media would be running with it like Jesse Owens at the Berlin Olympics.”

Oh, shut the hell up at least for five minutes…please? If there were much substance to this story, the American media would be running with it like Jesse Owens at the Berlin Olympics. Embarrassingly large swaths of the American media bend over backwards so far that they’re sniffing their own asses trying to generate endless stories about RACIST WHITE HATRED. They are dying to find racist white hatred wherever they can find it. If they can’t find it—which usually seems to be the case these days—well, they’ll just make it up.

Writing in Huffington Post, NAACP President and CEO Cornell William Brooks commented on the alleged bombing:

And when violent agitations confronted and dozens of other brave men and women while walking through a hostile town in Missouri during the NAACP’s Journey for Justice: Ferguson to Jefferson City March last month, we kept marching.

Read that out loud. Like, two or three times. What the hell does that mean? I can’t make head or tail out of it. Anyone?

Maybe it’s not a good idea to depend on an NAACP spokesman for information about an alleged NAACP bombing, so let’s review the available evidence. The description of the bombing suspect from the Colorado Springs police seems highly passive-aggressive if you ask me:

…a Caucasian male; approximately 40 years of age and balding; driving a 2000 or older model dirty, white pick-up truck with paneling, a dark colored bed liner, open tailgate and a missing or covered license plate….

On Friday, authorities released a rather hilarious police sketch of the person of interest in the bombing investigation, a hastily dashed-off scribbling which makes him look like the bastard hybrid child of a Martian and the Pillsbury Doughboy. It’s quite the sketchy sketch. (And by the way, the sketch makes it appear as if this guy shaved his head, which is not the same thing as the official description, which is that he is “balding.” Not all of us white guys who shave our heads are balding. Statistically speaking, it’s really not many of us at all.)

I don’t claim to know what happened, only that there are several amusing possibilities. Let’s go through the possible scenarios…

It could have been a bona fide racially motivated attempted terrorist bombing by a balding white guy with a dirty pickup truck. If so, we are dealing with one highly unskilled bomber. Check out as two NAACP members observe the tremendous amount of damage from the bombing. Someone on Twitter claims to have morning farts that wreak more devastation than that.

In what may have been a deliberate attempt to make things look worse than they were, progressive white MSNBC host Chris Hayes, a verified friend of the black man, covered the bombing story while a photo montage that unfolded behind him included a still photo of massive destruction to a storefront that turned out to be from the recent unrest in Paris rather than outside the NAACP office in Colorado Springs. Hayes apologized for the network’s faux pas by writing “Our bad” on Twitter. Just when you think Chris Hayes couldn’t get any worse, he goes ahead and says “Our bad.”

The narrative becomes even more, as the progressives like to say, “problematic” when one considers that the building where the alleged homemade incendiary device exploded houses a barbershop alongside the NAACP office. Several reports claim that a bomb exploded “outside” the NAACP office, which is technically correct. It also exploded “outside” of Russia. But hardly anyone is noting that it exploded on the other side of the building from the NAACP office. The explosion clearly happened on the outer wall of the barbershop on the complete opposite end of the building from the NAACP clubhouse.

The barbershop in question is known as Mr. G.’s Hair Design Studios. And wait a minute—the suspect was described as “balding.” Maybe the dude has some serious hair issues and sought to carry out a terrorist bombing in retaliation for what he felt was a substandard and overpriced haircut? At the end of the day, this might ultimately wind up to be nothing more than one of the most underwhelming African American hair-salon bombings in American history.

Another prominent theory…well, it just occurred to me…is that the NAACP tried to pull off a hate-crime hoax to raise funds, but just to be dicks they made sure to detonate the bomb outside the barbershop so their own office would emerge without a scratch. (By the way, is the NAACP ever going to change that “Colored People” part of their name? I hope not. I rather like it. As a kid, the term “Colored People” gave me the impression that everyone on the assembly line starts out white, then some people have artificial coloring added at a certain juncture.)

Some have alleged that a Google Earth photo proves that the meager smudge from the alleged bombing was already there on the side of the building last September and that the whole shebang is one big hoax.

Or maybe this bombing was a Top Secret CIA/NSA/FBI/IRS/SPLC false-flag operation of some sort?

Or maybe nothing happened at all?

Friends, I simply don’t know enough facts to reach a conclusion about what actually happened, but personally, I’m pulling for it to be a hoax. For a man of my tastes, hate crime hoaxes are the only enjoyable, quality public entertainment available anymore on this dismal American cultural landscape.

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