What did the Indian say when he crossed the road? “Me just walkum Trail of Tears!”
Merely for telling that joke, current mores dictate that I should apologize and make amends for insulting a sacrosanct assembly’s sense of honor. It isn’t coming, so hold on to your tomahawks.
There is no more pathetic group example of puerile ancestor-worship and perpetual aggrievement than American Indians who make a profession of it. (They are not “Native Americans” or “First Nations,” since proof continues to mount that they were neither native to America nor the first to arrive there.)
Indians met a difficult reality when 1492 rolled around. But so had half of Europe for most of the preceding thousand years. It was that same year of 1492 which saw the last of the Muslim invaders finally repelled from Spain. We needn’t go into the whole history of world conflicts, but there is a reason China still has Japan Envy a thousand years going. Pick a spot on the globe and you’ll find a graveyard, so who gives a damn whose cemetery plot is most deserving?
Still, Professional Indians stand out as the people who have received the most in amends and demonstrate the least appreciation for it. For over one hundred years now they have had several nations within a nation completely subsidized at taxpayer expense—something no other minorities have yet managed to wrangle out of the feds.
What has the Indian done with this unparalleled opportunity? Proved himself to be a genuinely noble creature by taking the plots of land and largesse to resurrect his literally mythic way of life? No, he built a parking lot of abandoned vehicles. Did he go the alternative route and demonstrate to his oppressor he could surpass him in worthwhile endeavor if given the opportunity? No, he got drunk on firewater. Did he insist on ennobling his Great Spirit through higher ideals and superior morality? No, he put up a casino and cutthroat loan-shark clip joints since he doesn’t have to compete under usury restrictions.
The Professional Indian is as good as everyone else. He merely needs special privileges to help him prove it.
Such is the reason for my little love note to the ignoble savages. Unsatisfied with demonstrating themselves wholly unworthy of the benefits which we so graciously bestowed upon them at the expense of our productive people, they inveigle ever more “considerations.”
The Sioux are contesting the United States government to recover “their” supposedly sacred Black Hills. No one ever asks whence the Sioux originated (which would be the Great Lakes region). Nor do they explain how such prime real estate was totally uninhabited when Sioux arrived. (It wasn’t.)
The Arikara Indians were there, then the Cheyenne, then the Crow, then the Kiowa, then the Pawnee, and finally the Sioux. And those peaceful latecomers didn’t ever harm any of these earlier tribes or any of those unfortunate enough to wander their way afterward.
The Hualapai of Arizona freely entered into a contract with private (non-Indian) developers to build a skywalk which stretches in an arc over a small section of the Grand Canyon. The developer spent $30 million of his own funds to build it, the Hualapai granted him a concession to do so, and under their original agreement’s terms the developer had a right to manage the site and share in the profits.
Lo and behold, only a few years following its construction the Indians have claimed “eminent domain” and are seeking to renege on the document and steal another person’s productive labor. One might liken it to breaking a treaty, a thing over which Professional Indians ceaselessly howl. Others may point out this is a classic case of what is known as “Indian giving.”
The Northern Arapaho last week were granted licenses to kill the symbol of the United States, the bald eagle. This is an endangered species zoologists have given decades trying to repopulate. Yet Indians need feathers for their little two-steps, and synthetic plumage won’t suffice.
These Indians have to do what granddaddy did lest they feel inauthentic. However they don’t do it the way granddaddy did. Hiawatha Do-As-I-Say-Not-As-I-Do-And-Pay-Me-For-It-Paleface won’t be using a bow made from birch and sinew; he’ll have a high-powered rifle with a sniper’s scope.
The Eskimos (or “Inuit” if you happen to be a self-abasing moron) were likewise permitted to kill Pacific whales. No matter most of the world has spent the past half-century trying to bring the creatures back from the brink of extinction. These Indians too put away harpoons and oars and instead utilized outboard motors and machine guns.
Nothing honors ancient traditions like pursuing them with the “white man’s” most modern inventions.
But if we’re going to honor history, why can’t everyone get in on the warpath? To make a garden from a wilderness their progenitors had to eradicate certain disagreeable elements. One might even say creating civilization is a quasi-religious experience. Ergo, it is in their “cultural heritage” to go after redskins. Given such tribalistic logic it is perfectly legitimate that millions of pioneer descendants be granted permits to bag some contemporary Injuns.
Obviously, I kid. (I think.) I do not hate Indians generally (or anyone else for that matter). Yet I am exasperated by preening demands and relentless elegiacs to a largely fabricated past.
Sadly, it is Professional Indians (with notable exceptions) who are what most history books prior to 1960 said they were—dishonest, conniving, and brutal. Don’t look for an apologetic in revisiting the facts about them. They act as if they are special yet also act as if everyone else should have to subsidize their specialness.
They act like this because all white people grew up exactly the same over 4,000 years and not one of them ever had any hard times whatsoever. No one white (or other group) has ever in the whole history of their respective races had civilization demolished and been forced to get up off their knees to rebuild it. They think they honor the past with infantile demands. They aggrandize their heritage because fools indulge these childlike tantrums.
In truth, these Indians do nothing but disgrace themselves and their sometimes worthy nations.
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