The Invisible Nutsack

February 10, 2014

Multiple Pages
The Invisible Nutsack

We are told, often with ill intent, that we live in a patriarchal culture. Our schoolteachers, who always seem to be female, lecture us that males enjoy unfair privileges merely for being born with an “outie’ rather than an “innie.”

We are also told, on buttons, T-shirts, bumper stickers, coffee cups, and even whiskey flasks, that “Feminism is the radical notion that women are people.” I think antimisandry.com phrased the problem more accurately: “Feminism is the radical notion that men are not people.”

For all the gum-flapping that these dizzy broads do about male privilege and the brute emotional coldness of the entire male gender, they’re either blind or indifferent to the multifarious ways that women enjoy tremendous societal advantages. And on the rare occasion when they concede that men are able to experience any emotional pain whatsoever, it is usually to mock them for it. Amid all this balderdash and poppycock and bunkum and flapdoodle about “rights” and “equality,” you gals lose sight of the fact that us guys don’t always have it so swell.

“Amid all this balderdash and poppycock and bunkum and flapdoodle about ‘rights’ and ‘equality,’ you gals lose sight of the fact that us guys don’t always have it so swell.”

Peggy McIntosh, a homely woman at any age, is famous for her essay “Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack,” which urged white people to divest themselves of their allegedly unearned—and apparently imperceptible—privileges ASAP lest they suffer the hell-pangs of eternal racial guilt. In the same misguided spirit of that essay, I would like to suggest that rather than enjoying unbridled and unchallenged privileges, modern males are laden with several distinct disadvantages that we carry around in our invisible scrotums like granite stones weighing down a stretched-out wineskin. Hence, “The Invisible Nutsack.”

‘Tis a nutsack that weighs so heavily upon our fortunes, we tend to die much younger than you do. Even in this allegedly racist society, black women have a longer life expectancy than white men. While male NFL players are forced to wear pink cleats to fight breast cancer, men quietly die in larger numbers from prostate cancer. But perhaps as the saying goes, men die before women do because they want to.

Our male privilege is so egregious, we are far more likely than women to die in war, in the workplace, and as the result of violent crime or suicide. Despite our society’s “war on women,” we are statistically more likely than females to become homeless and/or alcoholics. Our lives are deemed so valuable, we get shoved to the back of the line when evacuating a sinking ship. Our bodies have always been, and may always remain, more dispensable than those of women.

To our privileged eyes, the legal system appears biased in women’s favor. Even when convicted of identical crimes, men are far more likely than women to be sentenced to prison in the first place, and when they are, their sentences are on average more than 60% longer. Only men and not women are required to register with the Selective Service. Women may receive government funds to start businesses that are unavailable to men. The law leans heavily in women’s favor when it comes to adoption, divorce, and child custody. Since a man has zero say in whether a woman chooses to keep or abort a fetus, he literally has zero “reproductive rights,” yet he will be jailed if he does not financially support his spawn. Both the law and public sentiment automatically favor women in any domestic dispute. Women consume a majority of entitlement programs while contributing a minority of taxes.

While women whine about being “sex objects,” men are largely measured by their earning potential. And despite the largely inaccurate and mythical wage gap, a Nielsen report claims that women “control the majority of spending decisions,” which suggests that the schmuck who works for the money may not be nearly as important as the shrew who winds up blowing it.

Double standards abound. Criticizing a girl’s looks is nearly a hate crime, while fat bald males with tiny schweens are fair game for cackling shrieks of ridicule. Men merely get circumcised, while women suffer “genital mutilation.” Adult males who have sex with young women are pedophiles, while adult females who have sex with young men are “cougars.” If a man loses at romance he’s a loser, whereas a woman has the privilege of claiming she was “wronged.” Women getting raped is never a laughing matter; men getting raped is always a laughing matter.

Perhaps most importantly, men can’t win when it comes to expressing emotions. We’re depicted as coldhearted for maintaining a stiff upper lip, but as weak if we cry. And still you wonder why we die younger.

How about you girls be cool for once and check your own damn privileges? I honestly think it would help. You chicks should lay off the henpecking just a tad and acknowledge that we are every bit as human as you, that our suffering is just as real as yours, that we are not monsters and that we bleed, too, although admittedly not every month. By the way, if you’re truly so oppressed, why are you the ones who get multiple orgasms? Talk about first-class citizens!

I often get wistful and wish we actually lived in a patriarchy. I heard it was great.


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