The Hunt for the Right Wing Snipe

May 12, 2015

Multiple Pages
The Hunt for the Right Wing Snipe

“I was never a true believer, but the money was good.”

When I started writing about politics and hanging around with conservatives, I started hearing leftists say the weirdest crap.

Stuff that stank of desperation, like some dough-bellied comb-over’d dude trawling a mail order bride site.

You know what I mean:

If you’re Canadian, you’ve been hearing for most of this century that Conservative Prime Minister Stephen Harper is a racist “Dominionist” Christian with a “hidden agenda” and that any day now, the country will transmogrify into The Handmaid’s Tale.

In actuality, the PM’s spittle-spraying critics – rather like TV’s Bigfoot Hunters or those cranks camped on the shores of Loch Ness — believe far more devoutly in Harper’s Christianity than he’s ever seemed to. His real “religion” appears to have something to do with hockey and cats.

“The guy’s doubled our Muslim population since 9/11 and/yet his Jewish voter base gets bigger every year.”

Even the Soviets quickly realized that their go-to cartoon insult – sticking a cowboy’s Stetson on every president’s head – didn’t work with JFK. But Canada’s progressives? After three elections, they still can’t admit their “Harper with devil’s horns and/or fangs” drawings have clearly had a less than devastating effect on voters.

Look: The guy’s doubled our Muslim population since 9/11 and/yet his Jewish voter base gets bigger every year. Plus I have yet to be fitted for my government issue ankle-length skirt.

Worst. White supremacist dystopia. Ever.

Meanwhile, south of the border: Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh are many things, good and bad, but she isn’t “stupid” and he isn’t “loud.” But to leftists, right-wingers are all stupid and loud, and Coulter and Limbaugh are the only ones whose names they know. Think of the three-year-old who points at every animal and yells “moo!”

More pernicious, though, is the left’s persistent suspicion that Coulter, Limbaugh, and conservative people I know (and even me) “don’t really believe that stuff and are just saying it for the money.” Gavin McInnes soundly bitchslapped that notion here, but I usually go further:

First off, that’s the kind of thing people who don’t have any money always say. They’re super confused about how cash is acquired, which is why they resent those like Limbaugh who’ve managed to get any.

For almost 25 years, five days a week for three hours a day, Rush Limbaugh has monologued, mostly guest-less, on live radio to a national audience. Think about it: If he doesn’t really “believe that stuff,” then he’s arguably more deserving of that $40 million a year because let’s see you do that.

These scoffers think their reflexive, paranoid “dot connecting” makes them sound worldly, when just the opposite is true. Remember: Conspiracy theories are History for stupid people. 

Case in point:

I once worked for a Catholic publishing company that was owned by a company that was owned by a company that was owned by Conrad Black. We got letters, emails and phone calls pretty steadily from folks who’d convinced themselves that the Baron of Crossharbour had personally overseen the wording in the new (and therefore automatically suspect) Sunday missal. Whereas I doubt Black even knew we were part of his portfolio.

Being accused in the Taki’s Magazine comments section of accepting semi-annual ZOG checks long ago lost its novelty. More amusing was the mainstream reporter who was convinced some other Canadian bloggers and I were on the PMO payroll. That the Tories would pay me to post regular features called “Japan: Nuked Too Much or Not Enough?”, “Apartheid: Was It All Bad?” and “Happy Kent State Day!” rather than not is a theory I guess you have to work at a major daily to believe.

So I’ve toiled the better part of 15 years trying to convince idiot leftists to remove their red colored glasses. “Connecting the dots” is a children’s pastime; maybe move up to crossword puzzles?

But now I’m screwed.

I admit to not getting out much, but recently a Professional Conservative ™ said unto me – unsolicited and matter of factly – the very sentence at the top of this column.

I was not at all surprised by this particular individual’s defection. I sense the stirrings of a cyclical, seismic shift within the conservative “movement” that will manifest itself more clearly as the 2016 presidential election inches closer.

But I must say, having sniped for so long at the very notion of the Snipe’s existence, I was startled to encounter one in the wild.

I resent having to retire a beloved talking point. Yet perversely, I rather look forward to who else turns between now and next November.

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