Taki's Mag

Ask anyone who has been in law enforcement for a long time what would be his or her dream job, and the answer is invariably “executioner.”

Not for nothing are drink, divorce, and dark humor constant companions of the boys in blue (and various hangers-on). They see the story behind the headlines that most only peruse.

The dividing line between the Decapitationalists and the Compassionistas is one between those who know what the world is really like and those who want to believe it is something different. (Closely related is the schism between conservatives who live in “diverse” areas and progressives who reside in gated communities.)

Yet the traditional view has enormous support whenever people are permitted to choose. For centuries it was a social event to see someone getting the long end of the law. This was true in Europe and America. It is still true in the Middle East and to some degree in Asia.

Many in the West like to think public execution ended due to popular disapproval. Nothing could be further from the truth. In London they quit the necktie party because too many citizens wanted to crash it. This unjust world’s huddled masses loved getting together to see some singular justice meted out. People often brought box lunches to spend the entire day watching others get their just desserts.

The opposition insists the noose is not a disincentive to crime. My response is, “The death penalty is an effective deterrent to everyone who receives it.”

True, this example isn’t universally demonstrative to the general criminal population but neither is anything else. Not bread and water, not early education, not “scared straight,” not confinement, and not even the threat of eternal damnation.

Statistics (which vary widely but agree generally) show most crime is committed by the same handful of incorrigibles who keep coming back for more of our things. Deliver these out the side of the courthouse to a higher power, and we’re done with most of our troubles. Once it’s clear that we’re serious about creating mounds of high-grade garden mulch, more than a few of the unlawful will begin to abide.

For those alarmed at such carnage, consider whether the world is so much better with seven billion inhabitants than it was with five billion or three billion (which seems about the right number for ecological and social harmony on this little planet).

I am not advocating detention camps, mass poisoning, or any of the other typical dystopian fantasies. But we need to take some drastic measures before Mother Nature takes them for us. Rest assured, when prompted she will be much less discriminating than us.

What better way to thin the herd than by removing the worst among us? Neither religion, race, ethnicity, nationality, appearance, inheritance (material and genetic), nor any other discernible or imagined traits will be weighed in balancing the scales. It is based solely on what you do, and if you don’t hurt other people you don’t have anything to worry about from the hangman resurgent. Yet none of the above will offer an exemption, either. Whatever you do, there are no excuses.

Neither age nor mentality will be excused. If you are shotgunning your parents at age 14, why should anyone assume you will magically improve with age? Any tiny-tot Lizzie Bordens should be shown the door without delay. We got along fine without children who kill from around 2500 BC through circa 1960 AD.

Likewise, how is mental incapacity a mitigating rather than an aggravating factor? On the contrary, there’s good reason to put crazies on top of the execution list.

Other than these, who should get the noose? Everybody. That isn’t hyperbole; it’s deadly serious.

Do you enjoy raping women (or men)? We have enough perverts sitting in front of flickering computers without worrying about those who are trolling dark alleys. Did you act out your favorite episode of Dexter? Swell, then. Now it’s our turn to enact a few scenes from The Lives of the Twelve Caesars.

Nonviolent offenses are exempted, which includes prostitution and personal drug use, both of which constitute self-inflicted internal violence. Yet even the smallest external violence qualifies, so once word gets around that malcontents actually get their throats stretched for tagging the quays in Paris, it will cease instantaneously.

While the hangman has been our exemplar, society ought to be more creative. Arsonists? Burned at the stake. Good enough for saints, good enough for sinners. Thieves? Saudi Arabia has the right idea. Pedophiles? Plenty of obvious suggestions.

If elected governor, I’d call up the marked man on the red phone seconds before the execution just to ask him the time. That’s how much I detest violent criminals. Then again, I’ve had more experience. I’ve been in their cages; those guards lock you inside to interview rapists, kidnappers, and killers. Admittedly, I’m biased.

Therefore I propose we put it to a vote the only way that matters in modern America—by television ratings. Let’s select some irredeemable wretch and throw the switch live on a Saturday night.

If execution ratings don’t spike over 80% I’ll concede the argument and we can go on providing state-of-the-art gymnasiums, full-spectrum cable television, and endless days of afternoon leisure to your friendly neighborhood sadists.

There is virtually no chance of this ballot ever occurring. The obvious reason is that capital punishment’s well-meaning opponents know what people want and are afraid of letting them have it. The ominous reason is that this world’s malicious agents benefit from having a populace terrified and virtually lawless. If folks are focused on the local malefactor, they won’t bother with the supreme fugitives.

It is eminently understood how to drastically reduce violent crime in a society, and certain people are determined that it not be done. If things ever do change, those who have intentionally inflicted this upon us should be the first ones led up the scaffold.

Image of noose courtesy of Shutterstock

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