Bizarro World

The Great Fix-A-Flat Butt Fiasco

November 23, 2011

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The Great Fix-A-Flat Butt Fiasco

My grandfather used to say that if you don’t use your brain, you might as well have two asses. A Florida woman who recently decided to get a super-discount butt-enhancement was apparently trying for a third ass.

A nightclub worker, the woman wanted cheap plastic surgery to get a curvier body, which to her meant a bigger butt. She found somebody to do the work: “Look here, girl, I know this tranny who will give you an ass to die for!”

The tranny, Oneal Ron Morris, is a man who says he’s a woman and has been “practicing medicine” for some time now. Oneal was passing himself off as a doctor whose specialty was augmenting the human derriere. Oneal’s technique took “Fix-A-Flat” to a whole new level, as he actually injected the emergency tire-repair product in this woman’s obviously European—ergo flat—ass.

“Better a flat ass than a dull personality.”

I don’t blame Oneal for all of this, as the woman seeking a new butt at rock-bottom prices must assume some fault here. So do all the other would-be butt-enhancers who came out of the woodworks after the first woman went public complaining about her cement-injected caboose.

Let’s walk through this. Since Oneal had no home, he texts you the location where you show up at his mobile “operating room.” He admits you into the clinic—skipping all those trifles such as checking your blood pressure—and goes right to work, pulling out a can of FIX-A-FLAT!

I think at this point I might have had a question or two about the “procedure.”

“Excuse me, Dr. Tranny…uh, but do you think injecting my butt with Fix-A-Flat is SAFE?! I’m sorry for asking, but should something that is meant to keep polyisoprene operating at 100MPH really be good for MUSCLE? I don’t mean to sound skeptical, but are there any clinical trials that prove this radical new procedure’s efficacy?”