Taki's Mag

Tina Brown

Most of us Westerners are a happy bunch despite our countries being wracked by debt, rising prices, and job losses. Still, I know 4,700 people with no sense of humor whatsoever. I refer to those hardy souls who complained to the BBC concerning on-air remarks about shooting the strikers. What made me laugh out loud was Ed Miliband posing as Labour leader rather than the human biohazard he really is, complaining in his nasal monotone about how the remarks were disgraceful and disgusting. Miliband might have a British passport, but he looks awfully foreign to me, like a Transylvanian bloodsucker.

He sure doesn’t have a Brooklyn sense of humor—unlike that old queen Brian Sewell, profiled in The Spectator by Freddy Gray. Sewell claims to have bedded 1,000 men over a period of five years, which I suppose is easier if you’re Josephine rather than Napoleon. Still, his remarks about phonies such as Tracey Emin, Damien Hirst, and Anish Kapoor are right-on, which means those three untalented freaks will soon also be complaining.

Victimhood is de rigueur in today’s politically correct culture. Take, for example, a real outrage—aid for Africa to fight so-called “climate change.” It is beyond belief that as Britain teeters on bankruptcy and cuts pensions, the usual claptrap is being bandied around and one billion pounds are supposedly on their way to that unhappy continent. How many Range Rovers does one billion pounds buy? How many yachts, how many large houses on the Riviera or in Switzerland? Because that’s where the billion pounds will end up, and I’ll perform a sex act on Brian Sewell if it doesn’t.

And what about those bullies blustering about the euro and having summit after summit to try and save it? I have it on impeccable sources that most of these summits consist of EU biggies having nonstop sex with animals—mostly goats and donkeys, depending on the summit’s location. Some of the pictures I have seen are hilarious, although the ASPCA would not be best pleased. The image of that fellow Barroso underneath a Greek donkey could be straight out of the scene in The Odyssey when the great Ithacan escaped yet one more monster on his way to Penelope’s loving arms. The EU biggies keep jerking us off as if we were a bunch of donkeys—which they also do during summits if there are donkeys around.

The euro’s fall would cost the UK 200 billion pounds, although the UK is outside the eurozone. How did this happen? Easy. The EU is beyond government control. Yet Paddy Pantsdown and Michael Heseltine still bang on about adopting the euro—they say the sooner, the better. I’m mystified that they still want the UK to join the eurozone. Maybe they merely like traveling to Brussels, which I suppose is a bit like having sex with Brian Sewell.

But I must not go on about the EU’s propensity for animal rights. If I were a goat or a donkey and had to service some of those Brussels techno-crooks, I’d claim animal cruelty and then some. Imagine Van Rompuy or that Ashton woman with a sweet little goat or a cute-as-hell donkey. Some will claim it’s all unsubstantiated gossip, but I have photographic proof and eyewitnesses have come forward. That ghastly frog Jacques Delors allegedly got the ball rolling long ago. He is said to prefer horses—specifically, polo ponies.

Speaking of gossip, a man named Joseph Epstein has written a long and interesting book on gossip, giving us the lowdown on many higher-ups—people such as Ari and Jackie, the Windsors, Harold Pinter, and JFK. He tells us about a London ménage à trois between a woman, her maid, and her Mastiff. Alas, it happened back in 1681. For a second I thought he would be ruining my exclusive about EU biggies and sex with animals.

Epstein reveals something everyone whose brain has not been zapped by too much junk TV knows: Barbara Walters is America’s dumbest woman, which makes Babs the dumbest woman on Earth. He also gives us Tina Brown—perennially climbing the ladder of success and never quite making it while always precariously balancing her act on somebody else’s dime. Tina is living dangerously on Barry Diller’s stockholders’ dime to the tune of more than $10 million per annum. That’s what her website loses, yet Diller calls it a success. I’d do the same if I had suckers paying for it. Brown has probably lost more money over the 25 years she’s been an American editor than anyone ever, yet she manages to keep finding people to invest in her. What was that about a sucker being born every minute? Over 25 years she’s probably set the record for financial losses in publishing. Good for you, Tina.