Cultural Caviar

The 13 Most Annoying People of 2013

December 30, 2013

Multiple Pages
The 13 Most Annoying People of 2013

As someone who’s offended by nothing but annoyed by everyone, I found no shortage of people this past year to stoke the angry embers of my irascible soul. Try as I may to shield my eyes from the countless blinding petty indignities and massive vexations of everyday existence, each sunrise seemed to drop a new human being on my doorstep to annoy me.

I tend to focus on the negative at the expense of everything else, so when I looked back over the past year, I immediately began thinking of people who annoyed me. It was hard to winnow down my list to only 13 selections. They are ranked in ascending levels of annoyance. Although I bear no personal ill will toward any of these people, nor do I engage in any violent fantasies about them, it would not be untrue to say that I would not cry if, say, any of them were to be struck dead by a train in the coming New Year.

If you understand the basic principles behind the butterfly effect, you would be forced to agree with me that these are all people who, each in their own way, have made life a little harder for all of us this year. Through their very existence, they force you and I to suffer. Damn them. Damn them all to hell!


13. UNNAMED 64-YEAR-OLD SOUTH CAROLINIAN STABBING VICTIM AND FAN OF EAGLES MUSIC
In September a rough, beaten-up-looking South Carolina woman named Vernett Bader was arrested after allegedly slashing her housemate with a 14-inch serrated bread knife. Her victim, an unnamed 64-year-old man, had allegedly told her to “shut up” after she complained that he’d been playing too much music by the classic rock band Eagles. (It can never be repeated enough, if only to ratchet up the annoyance factor, that the band is not called The Eagles—they are simply random, unspecified Eagles.) And refusing to quit blasting your stupid, overplayed Eagles music when your torn-and-frayed female housemate requests that you do so qualifies as annoying enough to warrant being stabbed. He should be grateful she didn’t kill him.

“These are all people who, each in their own way, have made life a little harder for all of us this year.”

12. UNNAMED SHRIEKING CANADIAN FEMINIST
Back in April, a group of typically sincere and comically misguided men’s-rights activists was trying to peaceably air its views at the University of Toronto when a chanting pack of progressive albino twat-monkeys pulled the fire alarm and disrupted the event. Outside the building, a plump harpy with her hair dyed the color of menstrual blood that had been exposed to nuclear radiation barked and howled and belittled the persistently peaceable and earnest MRAs in a breathtakingly hostile videotaped rant that singlehandedly managed to justify every misogynist stereotype throughout world history. After the video became viral, she was apparently harassed and threatened into hiding, and I can only hope that wherever she’s hiding, there’s no man there for her to yell at.

11. DAVID OLANDER
Would any sane person think that a dry batch of asparagus is evidence of systemic racism? Of course not, but we’re living in racially insane times. The award for the year’s pettiest racial complaint goes to David Olander, a member of the human relations commission in University City, MO. After espying a relatively desiccated bunch of asparagus at a Schnucks grocery store in a predominantly black neighborhood, Olander says he remembered that the asparagus at a Schnucks in a mostly white neighborhood was much fresher, moister, and more vibrant. Olander fired off a letter of racial grievance to Scott Schnuck of Schnucks, which I only mention so I can repeat the phrase “Scott Schnuck of Schnucks.”

10. WILLIAM LOWELL PUTNAM III
Despite the absurd and nauseating posthumous canonization of junior thug Trayvon Martin, the most rational conclusion one can reach about the Zimmerman/Martin saga is that they were both douchebags and idiots for various reasons and to different degrees. But despite Trayvon’s transparent cretinism, William Lowell Putnam III of the Lowell Observatory encouraged an astronomer friend to submit a suggestion that an asteroid be named in Martin’s honor. The suggestion was rejected, and I’m glad that it was. It’s a better universe without an asteroid named Trayvon.

9. OPRAH WINFREY
Failing to ever publicly acknowledge that she is astronomically fatter and richer in Evil Racist America than if her ample rump had been reared in Mother Africa, the wealthiest black woman in the history of black womanhood spent most of the year wheezing like a punctured accordion about how tough it is to be black. She possibly fabricated a tale of being snubbed by a Swiss clerk, falsely claimed that “millions” of blacks had been lynched in America (the total was actually somewhere around 4,000), blamed criticism of Obama on white American racism, and suggested that the problem will only get better when white racists start dying en masse. Miz Winfrey, you is one ungrateful Negress. And you pee too much.

8. MEG LANKER-SIMONS
With the body of a buffalo and the personality of a shrew, the hyphenated heifer fabricated a hate hoax at the University of Wyoming wherein she basically threatened herself with rape because no one had proved willing to rape her. She had previously been convicted of aggravated assault for a 2005 incident in which she brandished a gun at a radio DJ.

7. KANYE WEST
The loins of the Dumbest Egomaniac Who Ever Lived bore fruit this year as West coupled his DNA with that of onion-hipped gold-digging professional cunt Kim Kardashian to produce a child they named North West. The past year also saw Kanye sporting a Rebel flag and bequeathing golden quotes to the world such as “I’m the Braveheart of creativity,” “I am a god,” “I am the nucleus,” “I am so credible and so influential and so relevant that I will change things,” and “For me to say I wasn’t a genius, I would just be lying to you and to myself.” This year alone he compared himself to Steve Jobs, Walt Disney, Howard Hughes, Da Vinci, Michelangelo, and Jesus.

6. ANTHONY WEINER
Before the world learned that he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants, Weiner was a greasy rageball who’d throw tantrums in front of Congress. Then, in 2011, the world learned he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants, and he resigned his congressional post. This year he almost became New York’s mayor until it was revealed yet again that he can’t keep his dick in his pants. I hope the erection was worth the election! This past year Weiner also pretended to be Jamaican and yelled at another Jew in a bakery.

5. RACHEL JEANTEL
This petulant chocolate toadstool was the defense’s star witness in the George Zimmerman murder trial, but hers is a star that burns very dimly indeed. Watching her barely conscious bulk crammed into the witness stand as she grunted her answers, half of America said, “Wow, she’s stupid” while the other half of America thought, “Wow, she’s stupid” without saying anything. Which leads me to my next selection…

4. PIERS MORGAN
This fey, pompous, snooty, lime-farting Enemy of All Things American had the gall and fundamental lack of honesty to call Rachel Jeantel a “smart cookie” after an appearance on his show that revealed Jeantel to be dumber than a hippo basking in an African mud pond. All year long, Morgan railed against guns, racism, Americans, American guns, American racists, and American racists with guns. Here’s hoping that some meth-addled gun nuts somewhere in the American heartland devise a gun big enough to shoot Piers Morgan all the way back to England.

3. HUGO SCHWYZER
Schwyzer is a “male feminist” who once wrote an article called Why the ‘End’ of White Men Is Actually Good for White Men.” It would have been good for white men if Schwyzer’s suicide attempt this year had been successful, but alas, poor Hugo failed. Schwyzer, who became a “male feminist” after earlier stints as a self-admitted attempted murderer and sexual assailant, had a monstrously narcissistic public breakdown on Twitter this year in the wake of a sexting scandal that he wound up blaming on “mental illness.” It was his second failed suicide attempt. Third time’s a charm!

2. TOURÉ
This sourpussed high-yella jerkoff is MSBNC’s go-to pseudo-black guy whenever they want to blame white males for everything, which is always. He attended prep school in Massachusetts and is both in mannerisms and life experiences about as black as whipped cream. In college he edited a blackety-black newspaper that was “criticized for being militantly anti-white.” He has forged a career upon being black and talking about black things in a black way that stupid racist whites could never understand, but he fails to realize that such tired race-baiting only serves to create more white racists than Tom Metzger’s latest country-and-western album.

1. ETHAN “PAJAMA BOY” KRUPP
This defanged, deballed, hi-snark/lo-testosterone, curly-haired bespectacled beta geek snuggled up in red PJs as he blithely sips a mug of cocoa is easily the most objectionable human being to enter my field of consciousness over the past twelve months. A poster boy for the unspooling disaster known as Obamacare, Krupp is also emblematic of American culture’s systemic devaluation of all things manly. Doris Day had more male hormones than he does. I’ve seen baby guppies that could kick this kid’s ass. Ethan Krupp’s face is the most persuasive evidence I’ve ever seen that society would benefit if it were to open its mind once again to the virtues of bullying.

 

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