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The Week That Perished

September 02, 2018

The Week That Perished

The Week’s Most Psychotic, Despotic, and Quixotic Headlines

U.N. URGES FACEBOOK TO FIGHT “HATE SPEECH”
The United Nations was founded after a bad man with an evil mustache named Adolf Hitler tried to steal the rest of the world’s lunch money, and it will forever serve as a bulwark against the creeping tide and stinky breath of nationalism wherever it may find it.

Because the UN has dedicated itself to eradicating even the tiniest blip of European nationalism, it has installed a squawking Middle Eastern parrot named Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein as its High Commissioner for Human Rights, a charitable and altruistic organization dedicated to ensuring that it is impossible for white people ever to get uppity again.

Blaming attacks by Myanmar’s military brass against Rohingya Muslims solely on the dippy idea that it was facilitated by Facebook chats among people we used to call the Burmese, the guy with the Arabic name that we don’t want to type again encouraged Zuckerberg’s Monster to clamp down on “hate speech,” obviously because there’s no possible way that Muslims could do anything wrong.

That Arab dude at the UN also warned that if Facebook were to refrain from silencing anyone who suggests that Donald John Trump is a human being, we’ll probably have another Holocaust.

We hate people who believe that hate speech exists.

A tiny cabal of 100+ Facebook employees who claim that “We Have a Problem with Political Diversity” have come out of the closet to start a group where they will all likely get themselves fired for daring to suggest that airing unapproved ideas on Facebook might get you fired:

We are a political monoculture that’s intolerant of different views. We claim to welcome all perspectives but are quick to attack, often in mobs, anyone who presents a view that appears to be in opposition to left-leaning ideology….You either keep quiet or sacrifice your reputation and career.

One study found that due to a recent algorithm change, Facebook has caused liberal publishers to gain two percent in traffic, while conservative publishers suffered a 14-percent loss.

“We hate people who believe that hate speech exists.”

Facebook, along with tech titans Twitter, Apple, Google, and Instagram, is being sued for $1 billion by Larry Klayman, founder of Freedom Watch and Judicial Watch. Claiming that these groups “quash and/or limit advocacy by conservative and pro-Trump public interest group,” the suit alleges:

Defendants have intentionally and willfully suppressed politically conservative content in order to take down President Donald Trump and his administration with the intent and purpose to have installed leftist government in the nation’s capital and the 50 states.

A few more lawsuits such as that, and one day soon Mark Zuckerberg may be shopping at Goodwill for used pants. Wouldn’t it be nice?

”IN GOD WE TRUST” TO REMAIN ON U.S. CURRENCY
Last week in St. Paul, MN, the 8th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals rejected a lawsuit by a group of atheists demanding that the phrase “In God We Trust” be ripped from the US dollar like a Band-Aid from an open wound.

The phrase first appeared in 1864 on US coins. In 1956, Dwight Eisenhower made the phrase the national motto. It finally appeared on dollar bills in the mid-1960s.

Let’s just say we trust God more than we do the US dollar.

TRUMP V. SOROS IN FLORIDA GOVERNOR’S RACE
Republican Donald Trump faces off against Democrat George Soros in Florida’s gubernatorial race.

In this corner is the Sorosbot, a 39-year-old black man named Andrew Gillum who was considered a longshot until Soros and billionaire Tom Steyer injected funds into his campaign. He is black—we know we’ve already said that, but it can’t be stressed enough—and has the endorsement of apopleptic Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders. He wants to abolish ICE and demands universal health care for all, even fat people. He likes puppies and kittens and long walks on the beach.

In this corner is the Trumpbot, US Congressman Ron DeSantis, a Harvard-schooled Iraq War vet. He wants a border wall and says “people should have a right to pursue the healthcare that they want.” DeSantis was recently quoted as saying:

I heard that he’s ‘articulate,’ that ‘he performs well.’…You know, this is a guy, although he’s much too liberal for Florida, I think he’s got huge problems with how he’s governed Tallahassee. Let’s build off the success we’ve had on Gov. Scott. The last thing we need to do is to monkey this up by trying to embrace a socialist agenda with huge tax increases bankrupting the state.

We know whom we’d vote for if we lived in Florida, but only crazy people live in Florida.

INDIAN MEN TAKE RITUAL BATHS TO CLEANSE THEMSELVES OF “TOXIC FEMINISM”
As of this writing, India is home to 1.3 billion people, most of whom have very strong body odor.

Due to a concept called “Sexually Antagonistic Selection,” non-Indians tend to rate Indian women as relatively attractive compared to their nerdy lumpy weird male compatriots, who tend to resemble skid marks made flesh. Unfortunately for Indian men—who have historically held the whip hand against their womenfolk—the gals there have caught a whiff of the ol’ Rape Culture after falling under the spell of what a group of pro-guy Indian guys call “Toxic Feminism.” They claim that these dizzy broads often get so drunk on their vaginal wiles that they falsely accuse men of rape and domestic violence.

Last week, a group of 150 or so Indian men protested the emergent gynarchy by taking a “holy dip” in the River Ganges as a way of performing “Last Rites” on their still-living ex-wives.

We hope their holy dip goes well—and that afterwards, they no longer smell.

BLACK CHILDREN URINATE ON WHITE GIRL, BLAME A WHITE MAN
Isn’t it cute when children perpetrate hate-crime hoaxes?

In August, accusations emerged that a sixty-year-old with man in Grand Rapids, MI, stuck his wiener through a chain-link fence in a back alley and urinated on a five-year-old black girl while calling her a “racial slur,” which we assume to be “pickaninny.”

The girl was one of a group of children, all of them age seven or under, who confirmed to police that the man, who lived in the neighborhood performing “odd jobs,” had whipped out his pee-pee and pee-peed on the girl.

After a two-day investigation, police concluded that the story had been fabricated…by a group of black children who were age seven or under…to cover for the real reason that she ran home drenched in urine.

They’re teachin’ ’em young these days.

FATHER OF WOMAN MURDERED BY ILLEGAL ALIEN SAYS HISPANICS HAVE “BETTER FOOD”
Mollie Tibbetts was a young white girl in Iowa who once posted “I hate white people” on Twitter.

She disappeared in July and her dead body was found in a corn field late in August. The coroner ruled she had died from “multiple sharp force injuries.” A 24-year-old illegal immigrant from Mexico was arrested for the murder and has allegedly confessed.

During Mollie’s funeral last week, her father delivered the following comments during his eulogy:

Today, we need to turn the page. We’re at the end of a long ordeal. But we need to turn toward life — Mollie’s life — because Mollie’s nobody’s victim. Mollie’s my hero…. The Hispanic community are Iowans. They have the same values as Iowans….As far as I’m concerned, they’re Iowans with better food.

True or not, your daughter will never eat a burrito again, and that’s probably because one of those vibrant Hispanics killed her.


Every Monday, Jim Goad reads the previous day’s “Week That Perished” on his podcast.

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