Conservatism

Ten Things I Hate About the Right

July 22, 2011

Multiple Pages
Ten Things I Hate About the Right

The left gets a serious going-over on this site. Not that they don’t deserve it. If you come screaming into the room with an aluminum water bottle on your backpack and start ridiculing everyone for being ignorant, people are going to make fun of you. It’s fun to expose liberal hypocrisy, but the downside is that you get lumped in with Republican tight-asses. They can be just as irritating. For example…


1. THEY EXPECT DONATIONS
Conservative intellectual Bill Whittle recently did a great video called Walking Into Mordor where he explains how naïve it is to assume the rich can solve all our problems. He blames Hollywood for this assumption—which is fine—and then says he’s going to make his own pro-free-market movie. That’s even better. Then the guy puts a link up asking for donations to make this movie. What? Socialists such as Michael Moore may employ non-union workers, but at least they use real money to criticize America. Ever heard of an ad? I love me some VDARE, and Steve Sailer is brilliant, but both of them also ask for donations. If you can’t sell ads for your company, find someone who can and put them to work. That’s what I’ve done for every company I’ve started, and that’s why I can afford to be such a pedantic prick about it. You can’t mock liberals for assuming everyone who disagrees with them is on the Koch payroll and then quietly ask strangers to bankroll you. It’s bad manners to scoff at the very notion of political donations and then openly solicit them.

“Youth may be wasted on the young, but never really being wasted at all is just as bad.”

2. THEY TAKE CATHOLICISM SERIOUSLY
Hearing atheists rant is enough to make you wish you were in a foxhole. They are self-righteous and cruel and have no respect for the fact that we are living in a country that is 75% Christian. I’m not saying the believers are as irritating as the nonbelievers, they’re just…weird. You actually believe all that stuff with the guy in the gigantic hat and the jewel-encrusted robe shaking the thing with the water in it at everybody? What are you, Haitian? Hearing smart conservatives seamlessly lapse into a discussion about how they met the archdiocesan coordinator at the annual Vatican congregation of the Holy Spirit vows of the papal Christ throne, etc., is like someone pushed a Star Trek button on the conversation and turned it into bullshit. I don’t get how someone could call themselves pragmatic and rational and then talk about all this ancient astrology with a straight face.

3. THEY THINK IT’S BAD TO LET VEGETABLES DIE
I’m sure there are plenty of cases where someone has been at death’s door and just as people were giving up on them, they came back. That’s nice, but we all know the difference between murder and euthanasia is like the difference between porn and erotica—you can tell merely by looking. If they’re in a coma and it’s been a few months, let’s stop kidding ourselves and pull the plug. If grandpa is so old he can’t watch TV because he can’t follow the plot, it’s time to stop wiping his ass and let him go. The fact that most conservatives seem so averse to this makes me think they’re capable of brainwashing themselves into ignoring what’s right in front of their eyes.

4. THEY THINK BEING GAY IS A CHOICE
Every day I wake up and praise God I was kept away from those delicious dicks. I work in a homo part of Manhattan and am exposed to dozens of perfectly sculpted men every lunch hour, but thanks to a solid upbringing, I am able to resist the notion of stuffing one of their big huge cocks in my face and then letting them sit on me with their big fat hairy smelly asses. Come ON! Are you kidding me? You honestly think something as gross as horsing around with a man is something into which we could all be brainwashed? What’s the recidivism on gay cures? Judging by the flaming homos I’ve seen enrolled in these rehabilitations, I’m going to go with 100%. Anyone who thinks being gay is a disease you can catch hasn’t seen male genitalia. You might as well be trying to rescue people from drinking too much ipecac.

5. THEY PRETEND MARRIAGE IS SACRED
I would have let you have your anti-gay-marriage stance if you showed any kind of respect for the tradition. When the right says gays are only pretending to want to get married because they think it’s a great place to showcase their civil rights, I’m inclined to agree. In Coloring the News we learn the gays did the same thing with the St. Patrick’s Parade where they demanded the right to fly their rainbow flag even though none of them really gave a shit about being Irish. However, unlike New York’s passionately drunk Irishmen, the political right is on more of a “Do as I say, not as I do” trip when it comes to marriage. Some say Republicans have a higher divorce rate than Democrats and some say it’s lower, but even if it’s in the same ballpark, the right has no right to act righteous about it. In a country where our divorce rate is damn near 50%, the point is moot. Nobody seems to be taking it seriously, and pretending it’s too sacred to let the gays in is like telling your buddy he can’t crash in your garage when the whole thing is full of old boxes and broken bikes.

6. THEY THINK A TWO-MONTH OLD FETUS IS A PERSON
Pro-choice activists like to drum out the old, “But what if she was raped by her father? Should she have to keep the baby?” This is similar to gay-marriage advocates who keep saying, “But what if she’s in a car accident and her wife wants to see her? Should she be kept in the waiting room?” Both take something that never happens and try to scare you into changing your views. The problem with the right is they won’t allow abortion under much more reasonable circumstances. What if she missed two periods and couldn’t possibly provide for the baby? No problem. It’s a fucking bean at that point. After nine weeks it’s a person and no, you may not have an abortion after that. I’ll force the pro-choicers to accept that if the right can bend and allow abortionists two months of wielding the old Womb Broom.

7. THEY’RE OBSESSED WITH RAP
There’s nothing I hate more than hearing Bill O’Reilly bitch about rap and how great black music was back in his day. All that doo-wop crap sounds like a well-trained minstrel show to me. When Curtis Mayfield dared to stop crooning “It’s All Right” and started singing about “Miss Black America,” white people didn’t like blacks being honest and singing about their lives. You see the same outrage today. Southern rap is crude and sexist and materialistic and juvenile but it’s pop culture, fools. And it’s honest. And it sells. What—just because it’s some fat, tatted-out black guy with gold chains and man-boobs talking about big-booty girls licking whipped cream off his nuts, suddenly you’re against the free market?

8. THEY NEVER FUCKED A HO
I was in a debate in Montreal about prostitution on local TV. It was two anti-legalization nerds against me and some other guy who had paid for sex in the past and figured that was just fine. Not that I found it particularly enjoyable. I want women to be gagging for my cock, not to find it so disgusting, they need $100 to touch it, and even then only if it’s wrapped in latex. The argument was going along all right, but I got the feeling the anti-prostitution side had never really looked up from their books. “Have any of you ever actually slept with a prostitute?” I asked. They said no and when I went further by asking, “Have you ever even met one?” the answer was still no. My third question was, “Well, then, why are we even here?” Stats are great, but you need to round out your argument with at least a squirt of personal experience. You can’t defend the helpless streetwalker when you’ve never even spoken to one. Prostitution is a pretty good job if you’re dumb, horny, attractive, and in a relatively safe city like Montreal.

9. THEY’VE NEVER DONE HEROIN
Heroin is an evil drug that takes away your fear of death and leads you down a dark corridor and pushes you into the abyss. However, if you’re going to talk about the drug war and tell us about the dangers of all these opiates, you should probably have at least one notch in your bedpost. You can’t snort dismissively at people who want to legalize pot when you have no idea how funny it makes your friends and how scary it makes horror movies. The downsides of drugs are well-known to anyone with a computer, but to see the whole picture you need to get really, really high. Youth may be wasted on the young, but never really being wasted at all is just as bad.

10. THEY CAN’T DANCE
Every adult male should know how to fight, fuck, and—yes—dance. You can’t accuse the right of not being able to fight. Pat Buchanan used to destroy anyone who made fun of his slow brother when he was a kid, and you’re not going to find a lot of all-American types who can’t throw fists. That’s why they enjoy football so much. I’m willing to wager they’re not great at fucking because to watch them dance is to watch an old man die. What are they doing with their arms? They look like straight guys trying to become gay. Nobody’s saying you have to go out and take salsa lessons, but you can’t be a well-rounded individual worth listening to if you haven’t experienced life, and if you can’t dance it means you haven’t partied enough. That’s my biggest problem with the right—their gaping lack of partying credentials. You’ve gotta fight for your right to party on the right!

SUBSCRIBE
For Email Updates


Comments


The opinions of our commenters do not necessarily represent the opinions of Taki's Magazine or its contributors.