Bill O'Reilly

The left gets a serious going-over on this site. Not that they don’t deserve it. If you come screaming into the room with an aluminum water bottle on your backpack and start ridiculing everyone for being ignorant, people are going to make fun of you. It’s fun to expose liberal hypocrisy, but the downside is that you get lumped in with Republican tight-asses. They can be just as irritating. For example…

1. THEY EXPECT DONATIONS
Conservative intellectual Bill Whittle recently did a great video called Walking Into Mordor where he explains how naïve it is to assume the rich can solve all our problems. He blames Hollywood for this assumption—which is fine—and then says he’s going to make his own pro-free-market movie. That’s even better. Then the guy puts a link up asking for donations to make this movie. What? Socialists such as Michael Moore may employ non-union workers, but at least they use real money to criticize America. Ever heard of an ad? I love me some VDARE, and Steve Sailer is brilliant, but both of them also ask for donations. If you can’t sell ads for your company, find someone who can and put them to work. That’s what I’ve done for every company I’ve started, and that’s why I can afford to be such a pedantic prick about it. You can’t mock liberals for assuming everyone who disagrees with them is on the Koch payroll and then quietly ask strangers to bankroll you. It’s bad manners to scoff at the very notion of political donations and then openly solicit them.

2. THEY TAKE CATHOLICISM SERIOUSLY
Hearing atheists rant is enough to make you wish you were in a foxhole. They are self-righteous and cruel and have no respect for the fact that we are living in a country that is 75% Christian. I’m not saying the believers are as irritating as the nonbelievers, they’re just…weird. You actually believe all that stuff with the guy in the gigantic hat and the jewel-encrusted robe shaking the thing with the water in it at everybody? What are you, Haitian? Hearing smart conservatives seamlessly lapse into a discussion about how they met the archdiocesan coordinator at the annual Vatican congregation of the Holy Spirit vows of the papal Christ throne, etc., is like someone pushed a Star Trek button on the conversation and turned it into bullshit. I don’t get how someone could call themselves pragmatic and rational and then talk about all this ancient astrology with a straight face.

3. THEY THINK IT’S BAD TO LET VEGETABLES DIE
I’m sure there are plenty of cases where someone has been at death’s door and just as people were giving up on them, they came back. That’s nice, but we all know the difference between murder and euthanasia is like the difference between porn and erotica—you can tell merely by looking. If they’re in a coma and it’s been a few months, let’s stop kidding ourselves and pull the plug. If grandpa is so old he can’t watch TV because he can’t follow the plot, it’s time to stop wiping his ass and let him go. The fact that most conservatives seem so averse to this makes me think they’re capable of brainwashing themselves into ignoring what’s right in front of their eyes.

4. THEY THINK BEING GAY IS A CHOICE
Every day I wake up and praise God I was kept away from those delicious dicks. I work in a homo part of Manhattan and am exposed to dozens of perfectly sculpted men every lunch hour, but thanks to a solid upbringing, I am able to resist the notion of stuffing one of their big huge cocks in my face and then letting them sit on me with their big fat hairy smelly asses. Come ON! Are you kidding me? You honestly think something as gross as horsing around with a man is something into which we could all be brainwashed? What’s the recidivism on gay cures? Judging by the flaming homos I’ve seen enrolled in these rehabilitations, I’m going to go with 100%. Anyone who thinks being gay is a disease you can catch hasn’t seen male genitalia. You might as well be trying to rescue people from drinking too much ipecac.

5. THEY PRETEND MARRIAGE IS SACRED
I would have let you have your anti-gay-marriage stance if you showed any kind of respect for the tradition. When the right says gays are only pretending to want to get married because they think it’s a great place to showcase their civil rights, I’m inclined to agree. In Coloring the News we learn the gays did the same thing with the St. Patrick’s Parade where they demanded the right to fly their rainbow flag even though none of them really gave a shit about being Irish. However, unlike New York’s passionately drunk Irishmen, the political right is on more of a “Do as I say, not as I do” trip when it comes to marriage. Some say Republicans have a higher divorce rate than Democrats and some say it’s lower, but even if it’s in the same ballpark, the right has no right to act righteous about it. In a country where our divorce rate is damn near 50%, the point is moot. Nobody seems to be taking it seriously, and pretending it’s too sacred to let the gays in is like telling your buddy he can’t crash in your garage when the whole thing is full of old boxes and broken bikes.