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Ten Great Things About the Japanese

June 23, 2011

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Ten Great Things About the Japanese

People around the world were deeply impressed by the manner in which the Japanese handled the big quake earlier this year. By “handled,” they of course mean “didn’t run around in marauding packs looting and shooting at each other.” It’s impressive stuff if you experienced Hurricane Katrina or Haiti’s 2010 quake, but it’s taken for granted if you live in Japan as I do. With apologies to Taki’s resident list-maker Gavin McInnes, here are ten more things about the Japanese that are far more impressive than calmly waiting for food aid and blankets:

1. THEY COMBINE MULTICULTURALISM WITH MONORACIALISM
While Western countries have to permanently upset their ethnic balance and raise the specter of future genocidal civil wars to get a bit of decent ethnic cuisine or exotic dance classes, the Japanese manage to import most of the world’s culture without importing most of the world’s people. This means they don’t have to develop the sort of liberal totalitarianism and thought-crime legislation that sad little countries such as England and Canada do, which, because they are increasingly multiracial, are increasingly monocultural—the monoculture being state fascism.

“The Japanese manage to import most of the world’s culture without importing most of the world’s people.”

2. THEY PAY MONEY TO SPEAK ENGLISH TO YOU
A definite upside of Japanese monoracialism is that when you actually get here, there are plenty of people who are willing to pay good money just to hear you speak English and to ask you dumb questions. Over the years I’ve spent here, the top five questions I’ve fielded have been: “When did you come to Japan?”...“Can you use chopsticks?”...“Do you like Japanese food?”...“Where are you from?”...and…“Can I give you another erotic massage?”

3. THEY ONLY ACCEPT REFUGEES FROM FIRST WORLD COUNTRIES
While most Western countries throw open their borders every time there’s a public flogging/vaginal circumcision/paper-clip shortage in the Third World, the Japanese do their bit for the planet’s displaced by only accepting refugees from First World countries such as America. Japan is home to an estimated 88,000 US citizens. Since most of them are Democrats, geek boys, and liberal-arts graduates, this provides a valuable service to Americans by removing what would otherwise be a highly unproductive and unsightly segment of their population.

4. IF YOU TIP THEM, THEY WILL RUN AFTER YOU AND FORCE YOU TO TAKE IT BACK
In addition to having the world’s best service—another thing you unfortunately start taking for granted after a few years—the Japanese also hate being tipped. If you do this, expect the waiting staff or taxi driver to pursue you and force you take back your brown coins by threatening ritual suicide. If you must insult them, it’s far kinder to make a disparaging remark about the emperor’s buck teeth and comically thick bifocals.


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