Taming the Wild Nugent

April 23, 2012

Multiple Pages
Taming the Wild Nugent

All the right people hate Ted Nugent. And when I say all the right people, naturally I mean all the left people.

His pinko antagonists were screeching like freshly castrated mink at an overcrowded fur farm last week regarding comments the wild-eyed and possibly insane rocker/hunter/gun fetishist had made at a National Rifle Association convention in St. Louis, specifically this Nugent nugget:

If Barack Obama becomes the president in November again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year.

That sort of sounds like a threat—until you pay attention for five seconds and realize the person who’s winding up dead or in jail in that scenario is Ted Nugent, not Barack Obama. Rather than making an open threat to the government, it seems as if Nugent was expressing fear of being threatened by the government.

But, lest ye forget, this is the real world, where people believe what they want to believe. A Daily Kos blogger who doesn’t think “Neon Vincent” is an idiotic pseudonym—or whose parents, the Vincents, didn’t think it was idiotic to name their child “Neon”—accused Nugent of “stochastic terrorism”—a new imaginary term apparently first imagined around the time of the Gabrielle Giffords shooting when the left was popping hemorrhoidal veins trying to imagine that right-wing rhetoricians are able to send out coded or subliminal or low-frequency messages that somehow cause psychotic lone wolves to shoot bubbly and kindhearted Democrats. A CNN writer who has dreadlocks and once received some sort of gay-journalist trophy said that Nugent should be in jail for his comments.

“I find it refreshing that he’s at least making an attempt to be macho.”

These are the same sort of people who for eight years walked around with picket signs featuring Bush’s bloody head impaled on a stake, so it’s heartwarming to see that they’re suddenly concerned with the sanctity of the presidential office and our sacred mission to vigilantly protect the Commander in Chief. For some reason, thug rappers rhapsodizing about using firearms to blow off civilians’ heads or threatening presidents’ lives don’t seem to alarm the progs nearly as much as Ted Nugent’s gun obsessions do.

A lonesome blogger who isn’t ashamed nor afraid to announce he’s part of some group of Dungeons & Dragons fanatics who plan to vote for Obama called Nugent a “Domestic Terrorist, Chicken Hawk, Coward, [and] Child Rapist.”

Those are some serious charges. The Secret Service appears to disagree with the “Domestic Terrorist” thing, or they probably would have arrested Nugent after grilling him about his “dead or in jail” comments last Thursday.

“Chicken Hawk” and “Coward” both likely refer to the fact that although Nugent is always blasting off high-powered firearms, guzzling ox blood straight from recently slaughtered oxen’s throats, and saying we should pull a “Nagasaki” on the Arabs, he received a military deferment in the late 1960s and thus avoided serving in Vietnam. In 1977 Nugent told a High Times reporter that he’d purposely avoided bathing for a month before his Army examination and defecated in his pants for a solid week preceding his meeting with military examiners. He later said he fabricated the whole story to prank the High Times reporter, possibly because Nugent has always been stridently anti-drugs. He also said he was lying the time he told a reporter he once stuck his erect penis through a map of West Virginia. Either way, he received a military deferment, but the official documents are inconclusive as to the specific reason.

The “Child Rapist” charge is perhaps the ickiest, especially since Nugent admitted to bagging numerous underage groupies back in the 1970s. The Nuge even took the Creep Factor up a notch when he persuaded a 17-year-old girl’s parents to allow him to become her legal guardian, in effect slaloming around pedophilia charges by becoming the girl’s ersatz father while presumably having sex with her. Courtney Love also claims she gave Nugent a blowjob when she was twelve, but I suspect that Courtney Love was born lying and giving people blowjobs—often simultaneously—so I’m not sure how to deal with that claim.

Nugent also appears to be a gullible Republican tool, gleefully supporting all the neocon-industrial complex’s post-9/11 military escapades. He also tends to unquestionably support every carcass of a presidential candidate the GOP spits up every four years. And he’s been known to chum it up with neuron-deprived mushroom-brains such as Rick Perry and Sarah Palin.

Now that I’ve gotten the bad things out of the way, there’s a lot that I find to be absolutely lovable about Ted Nugent.

He has a sort of Jack Nicholson-with-rabies charisma, and even reporters who hate what he represents say they find it almost impossible to dislike him after meeting him. He’s also one of the most quotable musicians of all time, bestowing upon the world verbal gems such as “The whole world sucks, but America still sucks less,” “If you don’t have a sense of humor, you’ll hurt yourself getting angry at me,” and “Mitt Romney has already denounced my guitar playing because it’s too sexy.”

Nugent writes gleefully of killing and eating pigs, composes songs with titles such as “My Baby Likes My Butter on Her Grits” and “My Love is Like a Tire Iron,” and is unafraid of releasing albums with covers so sexist, they would make Spinal Tap blush.

This rope-swinging, loincloth-clad, boulder-tossing Hemingway of Heavy Metal’s entire life is so broad and hyperbolic, Nugent is almost impossible to caricature. He even hosted a reality show where the game was to avoid being hunted down, caught, and humiliated by Ted Nugent while camping on his wildlife preserve. The program was canceled shortly after the Motor City Madman accidentally injured his leg with a chainsaw, requiring 44 stitches.

Seriously—what’s not to love?

Especially after he came out of a meeting with the Secret Service last week purring like a cat. “I’m havin’ the time of my life,” he told an interviewer. “They work for me. I pay their salaries, and I mean that seriously….So when you say Secret Service, all I can do is get a big grin on my face and realize that we’ll either be shooting some taxpayer ammo at targets or we’ll be eating barbecue.” If anything, Ted’s scandal may have taken some heat off the Secret Service for their own hooker scandal.

Still, the day after the Secret Service deemed he was not an imminent threat to the president’s life, Nugent pled guilty to a misdemeanor federal charge for knowingly transporting a black (of course) Alaskan bear in 2009. Apparently some half-assed minor wildlife-transporting charge was the only thing the feds could make stick to him, at least for now.

Almost entirely absent from the furor surrounding Nugent’s comments was something he repeatedly cited in his defense of said comments—he felt he ticked off the Attorney General and the ATF with his published criticisms of the unfolding “Fast and Furious” scandal, where the feds allegedly walked guns south of the border and into the hands of Mexican drug cartels.

To my knowledge, none of Ted Nugent’s guns has killed a human being, but at least one American—Border Patrol Agent Brian Terry—was killed with guns given to Mexican cartels as part of Fast and Furious.

Via Skype, I asked a Russian friend in Kaliningrad to take a gander at a clip from one of Ted’s reality shows and give me his impressions. Here, exactly as typed, are his responses as they came in line-by-line:

he is good
all Americans who like guns are good
in my opinion
he is cool
white guys mostly loosing the coolness un big metropolies like NY
hipsters are also part of culture
but wild guys are always protecting the nations
hipsters can’t protect families

Even if, as his liberal critics insist, Ted Nugent has a tiny penis and all the macho posturing is nothing more than frightened bluster, I find it refreshing that he’s at least making an attempt to be macho. As things stand, we have neutered, bespectacled, agreeable, compliant statist prog-frogs who look like this calling Nugent a “coward.” The government seems as if it wants all males, at least the white ones, to look like they write for Gawker.

To such oversocialized, hyper-urbanized jelly blobs, Nugent probably embodies some notion of violent subhuman psychotic atavism. But I’m not sure if “psychotic” is the right word to describe Ted Nugent. He may only be what my mother-in-law, who’s lived in Georgia her whole life, calls “wild.” Many urbanized nudniks would seem to prefer if everyone was rendered permanently deaf to the call of the wild. I suspect a lot of people hate Ted Nugent because there’s a part of him that hasn’t been tamed like they have. But if civilization falls apart like nearly all of us seem to think it will, only the uncivilized will survive.

Thank you, Ted Nugent, for being Ted Nugent. Your personality is a national treasure. You are the anti-Cobain. I’m glad they haven’t killed you yet.


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